Overcoming Narcissist Abuse. By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Most of us fall into the trap of trying to explain our thoughts, feelings and opinions to the narcissist only to be left, confused angry and irritated.
Narcissistic people have a great ability to draw people into arguments and this then leaves us confused, feeling bad, angry, full of resentment or feeling guilty.
One of the human needs is love and connection and significance, we want to connect with others, be loved by others, care for and be cared about by others, we want to understand others and be understood by others, form opinions, find a compromise and get along with people. We don’t all think and feel the same, we don’t all hear what’s being said in the way it’s meant at times. It is healthy to see another perspective and reach a compromise.
The narcissist doesn’t connect with others on the same level, they can not relate to others on the same level.
We find ourselves trying to use reason and logic to find a compromise with most people throughout our life. explaining is a normal human response. Normal people will listen to you and try to understand. It’s exhausting explaining yourself to a narcissist. They will just get you into an argument and you’re left feeling worse. You would be far better of explaining yourself to a brick wall.
You do not need to explain yourself to those unable or unwilling to listen, to those who want to bring you down to their level, you are a good person, so long as you know your intentions are good, people with good intentions will listen to your explanations, narcissists will use them to try and bring you down.
They are not looking to understand or reach a compromise.
If they act in Anger towards you, they feel anger at themselves
If they act in Jealously towards you, they are either feeling jealous or they are doing to you what they are saying you are doing to them.
If they are saying you’re insecure it’s because of something they have done to you, listen to your instincts not the words of hurtful people.
If they are playing victim it’s because they want attention.
They only have and some don’t even have cognitive empathy so they can not put themselves in your shoes to see how you’re feeling, only how you are making them feel, or what you are saying or doing that they could then use against you to further their advantage, to gain dominance and control over you.
Anything you do say, they will use as evidence against you.
They need to remain in control of all others to remain in control of themselves and their lives when they lose control of others minds, they throw massive tantrums, silent treatments, projection, gaslighting, blame-shifting and rage to try and regain control of others. As the genuine feel better than others and a need to remain in control, they just want to stay in control so they will be stubborn, give ultimatums, they only think their way and they want to win no matter what.
They are lacking in cognitive reflection, so they can not Self reflect on something they might have, said, done to cause issues, they can only view the world as causing issues to them.
Nothing you can do or say, will change their minds or opinions, they are locked into their way of thinking, they simply can not hear what you are saying, can not take advice on board, they just see it as you insulting their intelligence, they then take this as criticism and act out as they feel judged, they want revenge on you for how they perceive things and how they believe others to make them feel, they don’t understand that they are the ones hurting people, only that others must be punished for the inner pain they feel.
They can not accept the truth, even when faced with fact and evidence, if it means they’ll lose control, or lose their reality, they will manipulate in many ways to deny and blame-shift.
Narcissists do not hear you and it’s nothing to do with you, your motives are your motives and they are not interested in what they are, they only care about what they care about, which is themselves, and you can explain till your blue in the face and hitting a brick wall and they’ll just not listen, when you’re trying to explain things to them, that they don’t agree with, they will take you off-topic, blame- shift, Provoke, rage leaving you feeling frustrated.
When we are not sure of who we are, when people tell you things about ourselves that touch insecurities that we don’t feel good enough, it hurts, just like it hurts them, when people put us down, we can feel judged and upset, the best and most kind Hearted people can act out in anger, when their buttons get pushed enough, afterwards they will feel guilt and remorse, learn from the mistakes and try not to do it again, if it’s your limiting belief and as you try to show others who you are and they invalidate your feelings it hurts and it hurts hard, when we try our best to people please and help others often destroying ourselves. Narcissistic people do not feel that guilt and remorse for their actions, they just feel deep inner shame and hurt people to make themselves feel better as they blame others instead of learning from their own mistakes. They never look towards themselves they always look to others to find fault.
All people have insecurities, all people have vulnerabilities, most people try to fit in, most people try to fill their own human needs, and most of us than sound extremely narcissistic, we all have narcissism within us, therefore when around narcissistic people, this can bring our narcissistic side out, also causing cognitive dissonance within ourselves as our beliefs to we are a good-hearted person don’t match our realities, then when we get caught up in arguments with them, it doesn’t match who we are, with the help of their manipulative tactics it takes us further down.
There is a difference between, hurt people who hurt people, insecure people who don’t know who they are that go around destroying others, and hurt people who help people, insecure people who don’t know who they are, who then go around trying to help others feel better within themselves so they don’t feel the same pain.
So where you try and try and try to help others feel better, narcissistic people try to make others feel worse.
Learning to accept and love your insecurities, learning who you are, what makes you happy, your boundaries, creating that inner confidence, you will learn to help and support the right people and walk away from the wrong people.
Narcissists will cause arguments simply because they want to, no rhyme or reason.
Narcissists don’t want to be blamed for any problems so they must make others at fault for everything that is wrong within their life.
A narcissist is some of the most miserable people alive and they drain the energy and happiness out of those around them.
It never matters what you say or how you say it. They are not going to understand or listen to you, as their brains don’t work like ours.
You don’t need to explain yourself to the narcissist or convince them who you are, what your intentions are, we go around trying several ways to explain in a different way, or when they are in a better mood. We try serval ways and approach’s to get them to understand us, and they simply do not want to, if your opinions, beliefs, thoughts do not match theirs, they are not interested. Most of them know you’re a good person, they most likely just wish they were better than you. They put you down and make you out to be a bad person to make themselves feel better as a person, as they are projecting who they are onto you. They are full of anger and resentment and project onto others.
Narcissistic people hate the fact that others do well for themselves, they are jealous and envious of confident happy people.
They accuse you of being crazy, being an idiot, not remembering things, as they feel inner shame, they want you to feel shame.
It’s not your responsibility to explain to people who just don’t understand it, you don’t have to explain it’s wrong for them to disappear on you, why it’s wrong for them to cheat on you, as they will keep doing it to you, you have to learn your boundaries of behaviour you will not accept, and walk away. It’s not your responsibility to explain to your parents why you do or do not want to do something, if they are telling you that you can not, making you feel guilty, leave your parents, partner, ex’s, friends to it, that is their opinion and that is for them to keep they are entitled, it’s not up to you to change anyone other than yourself, you can not change people, you can only help people and if they are unable or unwilling to accept responsibility for their own life’s, mistakes, errors in judgment, it’s not up to you to make them see sense, it’s up to know they are entitled to that opinion, and you are entitled to walk away and not let it define who you are.
When you get drawn into their games and arguments they feed off it, winning the discussion isn’t your end goal, that is theirs, remaining true to yourself is all you need. You try to get them to have a better opinion of you and it’ll never happen as they are not interested in who you are, they are only interested in their way.
Keeping true to yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, believing in yourself and who you are, if you have to communicate with them.
Retreat rethink and respond if you feel you’re getting nowhere fast or starting to feel anger.
All you need to say is things like.
”I’m sorry you feel that way.”
” you’re entitled to your opinion.”
In a calm voice, as straight as you can and don’t get defensive. It’s not up to you to force someone else to understand you, so if they don’t agree, there is no need to keep going, if you want to explain, explain once and leave it.
If it’s your parents saying you’re incapable of doing something, don’t explain why or how you can, just go and show them you can, prove them wrong with your actions and not your words.
Remember it’s not about winning, it’s about remaining true to who you are if they are not willing to compromise, leave them to it, managing your emotional state around them.
Knowing they just don’t understand on your level.
Best is saying nothing, leaving them to live their life, and you go live yours.
Hold your ground and don’t give in, it’s not worth it, narcissists will up their games when people don’t react as that’s what they want.
Learning who you are, your worth your value is only ever dependent on you and who you are. You define you.
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