The hoover from a narcissist.
This the term used for narcissist ex’s that come back to try and suck you in to try again, they want to try and break you again. They want you to let your guard down so that you let them back in, they either want to hurt you, or start another relationship with you.
some of you may have already been through this, some not and if you’re lucky enough some never will try. A lesser narcissist will only try if it’s easy with little or no effort, a mid range will try if it’s easy enough for them. A greater narcissist loves a challenge so will go for it even if it’s 15 yrs since you last spoke.
They like to let you know that they are around, but they may not reach out to you, they may walk past and say nothing. They do this to make you question yourself all over again, why haven’t they spoken They just saw me? They are hoping that you are driven by your emotional thinking, they know most of you want closure. Or to get things off your chest, They want you to let down your defences, they are relying on your emotions to let you approach them. once you’ve dropped your guard they can creep back in.
This information is so you have the knowledge, of how to help yourself when/ if they do. Also best actions for those coparenting.
Reduce the risk of the hoover by any means possible to protect yourself and your children. Narcissist absolutely love any emotional reaction from others, happy, sad, angry, hurt, joy, they don’t care if it’s negative or positive, just any emotional reaction.
If they have someone else to get this from, they are more likely to leave you alone, if they can not get any reaction from you, they will usually find someone else or try another ex.
If you can the best action Is no contact at all, changing your phone number, blocking all their friends and family. This isn’t possible when you are co parenting.
When coparenting you need to maintain maximum level of minimal contact. I have a post to help with grey rock treatment on this page, minimise face to face contact at all costs, so they can not pick up on your body language, because you are an empathetic, kind polite person and an emotional thinker, you may struggle to keep your tone of voice flat. They are very good at trying to get any reaction from you, do parents evening at separate times, the narcissist will only be going to get to you, when they realise your not at these events they will soon stop, unless they’re trying to date the teacher, if the walk up to you out of the blue and ambush you simply uses the GO SO method. Get out stay out, just don’t say a word and walk away, you may think a narcissist would enjoy this as a reaction, they may tell other you were rude and walked away, again this is simply to get a reaction so if anyone asks you just say, “ they are allowed an opinion “ and change the subject, because of that person is telling you, the will be filling the narcissist in on what you say. Deep down narcissist hate it when people will not engage with them and walk away, if it’s a situation you can not just walk away from, remove yourself as soon as you can, do not engage in conversation with them, do not ask how they are. If you can just zone out and stair at a tree etc. Avoid giving them any sort of gesture or hand signal, just stick your hands in your pockets, do not attack them with words in any way, they’ll be hoping you do this, even if you want to resist any urge to tell them what you think of them, they are hoping that you do this and they win by it. Remember, simply saying nothing and walking away hurts them more than any words could.
Do all communication in writing, you have time to think what you put, edit what you put, make what you put brief. Also if ever needed if they try mediation because they claim your impossible to talk to about the children this written evidence will show the times you said they could have children and the time they let the children down.
To sum it up, them getting no emotional response from you limits their opportunity to hoover.
Narcissist look for trigger to try and hoover you back in these can be
If your physical around.
They reach out through friends.
Eye-line if they can see you and wave at you.
Telephone you or messages and emails.
Simply you crop up in the narcissist mind, if they think of you they may come and hoover.
Please remember they do not want you back because they regret love or miss you. All they miss is what you did for them. It’s all about them.
You can never completely lose the risk of a hoover, especially if you have children together, but the more no contact or grey rock you go the less likely this will be.
If you look happy and content they are likely to try and get an emotional reaction out of you, or try to get back together with phrases like “ you’ve changed, you’re like the person I first met “ remember yes you have and yes you are because they destroyed everything about you and you let them. Stay strong and don’t let them in again. They rely on the trauma bond they made with you, to reduce the risk follow all the above advice, limit all contact keep it to the point and about children only.
You been happy seriously wounds them.
If you have any evidence of their damaging behaviour towards you. They are also less likely as they’ll not want this getting out and ruining their false self that they show everyone else.