Any reaction to your boundaries by a narcissist is further manipulation of your boundaries.
When it comes to narcissistic people, they will go around many manipulation methods to take down your boundaries to get their needs met. A fragile narcissist might go for passive-aggressive silent treatments and sulks. Other narcissists can use this also. A narcissist might rage out at you, gaslight you with “you promised.” when you know you haven’t.” triangulate with. “Your brother would. My ex would.” to get you to compare yourself to others, they might project out on you and claim “, you’re selfish, you’re awkward.” They will do all they can to distort your reality, lie, deny, deflect and shift the blame. Narcissists go through many child-like tantrums to Break down your boundaries, one of these being the narcissist responding to your boundary by creating a boundary on you when they come at you with. “If you’re not going to do this, don’t expect me to do that.”
Personal boundaries are based on our beliefs and values, things that matter to us, and that are of importance to who we are as a person. We can create many different boundaries.
Genuine people can often accept another’s boundary even if they disagree with said boundary, as they have the morals to accept another’s boundary.
Narcissistic people take others’ boundaries as criticism. One of the characteristics of the disorder is their sense of entitlement, so when someone says no to them, it questions their beliefs that they are superior and therefore entitled to have what they want, when they want, with their lack of empty means, they don’t care for how getting their needs met could hurt those around them.
Narcissists don’t respect others’ personal boundaries. They get offended by other people’s personal boundaries, often causing a narcissistic injury.
An injury is a physical trauma to the body with an external force. It can also be actions or words that trigger emotional trauma and psychological trauma. Emotional or psychological trauma can be just as painful as physical as it hits those same pain pathways within our brains. A narcissistic injury is often when you’ll witness a narcissist react negatively when, for seemingly no reason or in an everyday conversation, or asking them a simple question, the narcissist is not getting what they believe they’re entitled to, the narcissist will suddenly, sulk, guilt trip, pitty play, triangulate, rage. They can go from sunshine and roses to hurricane category seven without warning in milliseconds, often leaving us feeling scared, confused, bewildered, and wondering what on earth has just happened. As they believe you’ve turned against them, you’re not behaving how you should for them.
Some narcissists can play games for fun, others because they feel offended. When a narcissist feels offended by you, they become defensive towards you. Instead of talking to you to gain clarity and understanding, a narcissist will go all out to manipulate you to get their own needs met.
As soon as you set boundaries on a narcissist, as soon as you reach your limit and say no, a narcissist could retaliate by setting a boundary on you.
A narcissist’s retaliation to your boundary is further manipulation.
A narcissist fires back a boundary to threaten us. “If you don’t, then I’ll not.” It is usually something they’ve already promised to do, so we’re left questioning if we don’t do this. They’re not going to do what they had already committed to doing for us, bribery, to make us feel obligated to break our boundaries to serve them. They do it to hurt us, make life hard for us, to intimidate us and punish us as they’ve suffered a narcissistic psychological injury.
A narcissist can ask to borrow your car, and you might need your car for work. They want your car for pleasure, so you naturally prioritise as your employer expects you to turn up and work. In turn, they pay you, which often pays for the narcissist’s pleasures anyway, so you might just explain to the narcissist why you need the car. However, because a narcissist feels entitled to your car, they are going to be offended that you don’t think their need for your car is more important than your need for your car. They might then come at you with. “I hope your car breaks down. I hope you get stuck in traffic, don’t come to me when you need me to come and get you, don’t ask me for anything, and don’t ever ask me to borrow my car.”
Privacy, with data, and protected laws, you might have something on your works laptop that others can not see. A narcissist might want to borrow your laptop, so you rightly say no and explain why. The narcissist might then come at you with. “Have you got something to hide, don’t ever ask to use my computer, don’t expect to use my phone. It’s a two-way street.”
You might allow the narcissist to use your phone as that’s not got data on that would put you in breach of your contract. Some narcissists will calculatedly ask to look at something they know would compromise you if you let them use it. A narcissist might then use that against you, “What would your boss think if they knew I’d seen?” if you don’t, they’ll use it against you. “Don’t ask to use mine.” as they might not be in breach of data protection. However, they can hide the calls, messages and photos of their new supply. Or the morally wrong things they do behind your back.
Some narcissists will set this up so they can hide things from you. However, as they are the self-entitled hypocrite, they’ll expect to look through your things while they’ll happily hide things from you.
As a narcissist is an untrustworthy person, they often don’t trust you, so they might get suspicious and create an argument with you right before an important meeting or a family event. Hence, you turn up all emotionally drained, and the narcissist then feels better because they’ve brought you down all. After all, you didn’t do as they say.
You might have a physical boundary. You might have had a long day and communicate that you want to relax. A narcissist will take this as you not giving them the attention they believe they’re entitled to. They might come after this attention. The more you ask them to leave you alone, the more they’ll come after you, so they can eventually turn it all around to how “you’re selfish” and “don’t come to me when you want something from me.” to frustrate and punish you. They’ll suddenly need to talk to you about something. If you ask, it’ll be those. “You never listen to me, don’t come to me when you need to talk.” often, the narcissist projective gaslighting to make you feel bad. They probably didn’t have anything to talk about. They just want to get you going,
A narcissist feels entitled to ignore you, but they don’t feel like you are entitled to rest.
The narcissist might know you need to be somewhere, and they’ll claim they’ve got an important email that you should look at, and when you let them know you need to be somewhere, it’ll be those. “Oh, I knew I wasn’t important, don’t come looking to me when you need help.” you might ask them to read it out while you get ready, compromise, but they’ll come at you with. “No, I know when I’m not needed, don’t expect anything from me.”
Within a narcissistic relationship, there is usually a lot of financial abuse. When they ask to borrow money, and you say no, they will make your financial life as difficult as possible.
How to handle.
1. Recognise boundary retaliation as manipulation so the narcissist can get what they want with little respect for who you are. Little to no empathy for your feelings.
2. Respect they have every right to set boundaries with you, just like you have every right to with them.
3. Realise that’s who they are as a person and slowly distance yourself from those who react to your personal boundaries.
4. Retreat, don’t take it personally.
5. Radical acceptance that’s who they are. A narcissist’s boundary retaliation says more about the person you’re dealing with than it ever will you.
Just because they don’t respect who you are, doesn’t mean you can’t respect yourself by slowly walking away from those who expect you to be there and do everything for them while they seldom do for you.
You can and you will recover from this.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.