Overcome your anger and resentment.
Anger is a common emotion when we’ve been hurt by someone, deceived by someone, provoked by someone. This can cause us to feel resentment, betrayal, bitterness, which are normal emotions when someone has hurt you or betrayed you. It can cause many to react. When we react, we can then feel emotions such as shame, guilt or remorse. ￼
A narcissist often baits people into reacting so they can accuse peoples reactions of being in the wrong to avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour being in the wrong.
How the narcissist baits you.
In the dictionary, bait means to intentionally make someone angry by saying or doing things to annoy or taunt them deliberately. To hook, trap or entice someone, and getting someone to do what you want them to do.
Baiting is used by a narcissist to provoke an emotional response from us so that they can have the power over our emotions, and ultimately, over our thinking so that they can further their control over us.
Baiting makes people feel scared, guilty, responsible, anxious, even hopeful, which makes it easier for the narcissist to manipulate them further.
A narcissist will provoke you to get a reaction from you so that they can blame it all on you.
From our reactions which are perfectly understandable given the situation we are in, we often then believe everything is our fault, the narcissist will only ever tell their side of the story that they want others to know in their smear campaign against you, the one where they miss out everything they did, the one with only our reactions, where you looked bad, what you did to them, what you said to them, they’ll not tell people the lead up to what happened, it’s just further manipulation for the narcissist to play the woe is me, victim, to those around them and make you feel like you’re in the wrong and need to apologise.
Abusers love the reactive abuse as it’s proof in their minds that the person who reacted is unstable and crazy, that the one who’s reacted is mentally ill, they will use it against you for years to come, narcissistic people rewrite their own history, they change the stories they tell themselves, they are never accountable, they say so many lies they often believe their own lies and reality, and they will use reactive abuse against you for years to come.
You can naturally feel angry when someone provokes you in some way, often leading to resentment. You have no control over someone else provoking your anger. These feelings are normal.
You feel anger and resentment towards wounds that you haven’t healed from the way people have treated you in the past.
How do you handle that?
When it’s in the moment, and you react, it gives you a moment of release, yet you then feel bad for reacting and blame yourself, then the narcissist will use this against you to further their advantage of you.
Even when you may have learnt not to react or to seek revenge when they pull a new stunt that can cause you to feel angry, you can not control what they do. However, you can control how long you hold onto that anger and how you let it affect you.
You go through three emotionally feelings, first is the anger when they provoke you. Then comes the rage when you want to react, then comes the resentment as you feel bad for how you reacted or if hold onto that anger.
When you understand they have a disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, that disorder is who they are. You did not cause it. You can not change it. You can not help them. When you start to take a step back and Re-evaluate your perceptions on it, understanding that they don’t have the emotional intelligence to think or feel like others do, they live in constant fear. Fear holds them back that others will view them for who they truly are, they act out to make you fear them, to keep control over you, they do not have the capacity to put themselves in another’s shoes, they are quite foolish as they can not find their inner happiness, they have bring others down, they have to provoke others to destroy others, to feel better about themselves when you realise this then you will start to pity them, you’ll want them nowhere near you. You might get to a point you feel sorry for them.
Definition of Pity “sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy.”
When you pity someone, you lose the anger, you no longer feel the need to react, and you no longer hold the resentment; instead, you see them for who they are and the game they’re trying to play.
You can not control what someone says, but you can always take control of your reactions. It takes work at first, but it becomes easier, and you can hit that point if you have a wish and drive to do so.
How to not react? Remember, it will never hurt the narcissist as much as it hurts you. Your reactions often benefit the narcissist. You not reacting to them, not paying attention to them frustrates them. When they provoke you when you react to their anger, their feelings of envy are released. When you don’t react, you’re leaving them to deal with their own feelings. You’re not taking responsibility for their anger by reacting to them. Instead, you’re leaving them with it.
When you feel that anger rising, remember to retreat and rethink. Only respond once you’re calmer and if you need to do so.
How to lose the resentment? Keeping the thought in mind that, when you keep hold of that resentment, you’re allowing someone to control your mind and your feelings, you can not control how someone treats you, you can control the meaning behind it, your mind controls your emotions, and you control your mind. Using pattern interrupt helps shift them straight back out of your headspace.
There is nothing wrong with anger. It’s a human reaction when you’re provoked, served actually to protect you. When someone angers you, it’s time to step away from that person. When you react, however, you then feel guilt for how you reacted, which lasts a lot longer than that temporary relief from reactions. Narcissists live with that inner shame on a daily basis, why they must project onto others, gain the reaction, blame them for reacting, thus removing the shame from themselves, yet it’s only a temporary fix.
Don’t feel guilty when you feel angry. Just process that anger the right way.
They can not fix who they are. You can not fix who they are. You can, however, help how you feel for a far happier, more full filling life for you. You are now learning to take back control of your own mindset.
It all takes time, it takes work, and it takes effort. If you keep going with a mindset of where you want to be, you will get there, believe in yourself.
Always be cautious about narcissists. Do not ever stop living how you want because of them, but if you fail to prepare, then prepare to fail, so always keep your guard up around them and stay safe, most will not act out, but you do need to be vigilant around those with a lack of empathy.
Dealing With Anger.
If you’re feeling angry that someone has hurt you, this means a rule you have a standard or a boundary, someone has crossed, or you let them cross, or you might have let your own standards slip, for someone who raised your expectations.
If you feel angry that someone has let you down, you need to keep your own standards high and your expectations low of them.
If you feel angry when someone provokes you, it’s time to think, “what did they use to provoke me?” Take action to heal that wound so they can not provoke you again.
Suppose you feel angry when someone has hurt you. The first time you need to communicate with them, see if your perceptions are different, see if you can compromise. If you can not, and they continue to hurt you, you need to take action to remove them from your life.
If you feel angry because someone oversteps one of your boundaries, the first time you need to communicate that standard to them, if they continue to try and overstep the boundaries, you need to learn to leave them be.
Remember, if you tell someone something yet didn’t explain, you didn’t want them to share the information, they might not have known, don’t feel anger toward those who didn’t know, just communicate. If they do know and do it again, those people are not your problem, leave them be and find people who respect you.
When the anger is about the past, we often go into autopilot to escape the pain, as we never truly dealt with the emotions at the time.
How to recover.
Write out the reason you feel resentment and anger, and then the underlying reason, such as hurt or fear.
Observe it when it comes into your mind. Write what triggered the thought, what happened in the past.
Identify that as you didn’t know the situation in its entirety at the time, you didn’t help yourself sooner, acknowledging the fact you helped yourself as soon as you realised and be proud that you did.
Share the feeling with supportive people who understand you and have been in similar situations.
Learn relaxation techniques when you feel anger and resentment, taking deep breaths in and out, look for the things you can be grateful for, in life, exercise, mediation and yoga also help.
Resist the urge to take it out on those who didn’t cause the pain. Some people subconsciously do this, talk to them and explain instead, good people will understand and help.
Remember it’s in your past, you can not change your past, you do not need to carry it in your future, realise what’s holding you back in the present moment, those feelings no longer serve you, remember that you deserve more and better.
Stop explaining to the narcissist.
Getting the narcissist out of your head.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.