Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
I do try to stick with the narcissist as both male or females can have NPD; this is more about the female narcissist.
The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and they do need to have at least five traits to have the disorder, these are.
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Exaggerating achievements and talents.
2. Preoccupied with ultimate success. Lives in a fantasy world of power, control, dominance, brilliance.
3. Superiority. Believing they are special and above all others.
4. Entitled. Feels entitled to have all their own needs met, demanding, manipulative and controlling.
5. Excessive admiration. A constant need for excessive admiration.
6. Exploits others. Takes advantage and manipulates others to get their own needs met.
7. Lack of empathy. Can not truly connect with how others are feeling.
8. Envious and jealous. Hate people who have something they want, also believing others are envious of them.
9. Arrogant. An exaggerated sense of their own abilities and behaviours.
Male and female narcissists.
The female lacks empathy and manipulates, just like the male narcissist.
Deep down all Narcissist has an extremely possibly even no sense of self, very jealous people, they have very fragile egos and are insecure, so they have to mask all of this, by playing victim or being grandiose, covert or overt narcissist, It’s all an act to cover up how damaged they genuinely are and how envious they are, it’s all a defence mechanism. It’s nothing to do with you.
Male and female will use, manipulation, and gaslighting, they’ll be charming, they’ll be your soulmate,
The female will use her sexuality to pull you in, and they’ll rush intimacy and want to make you feel like a man. To make you feel like a man, they use their sexuality to hook you in.
Whereas men tend to use all the romance, and sweeping you off your feet, all of the things women want to hear, so they use emotions to hook you in.
Both male and female will be obsessed with achievements, status and money; they both want to be successful, male or female. It’s never enough, and they always want more to try and fill a void they never can.
Both male and female like to spend money theirs or not, not all but most female narcissist want to hook up with someone who has money, and some male ones also do.
Females want to brag and flaunt, everything they’re getting from the male.
Both male and female narcissist wants to be the centre of attention, due to needing to feel validated and cover up their low self-esteem.
Both males and females believe they are better than everyone else, and people will look up to them and be envious of them.
They are just showing superficial and false things to cover their inner feelings. It’s all fake.
With a female narcissist, they are bitchy, and a bully.
Most women will have had a moment of gossiping, and not feeling so good for doing it, that’s normal, we can all gossip. You will have a moment and think, nope I shouldn’t be judging, and feel awful.
With a female narcissist, they will gossip about anyone and everyone they do not care, and they are bully’s, it’s just to make her feel better about herself, you get something new, they’ll get something better, they enjoy bringing others down. Even if they’re not a narcissist someone who consistently puts others down, is basically screaming out their own insecurities.
Both male and female do enjoy putting others down.
Female narcissist and male narcissist are both passive-aggressive and cut others down because they are jealous of you. Because you’ve got quality’s, they can never have. They can not see the damage towards others as their fault, they don’t have the ability to self-respect and change themselves, they cannot accept accountability, and they have to blame others. They believe they are perfect, and it’s others that are at fault.
Male and female will find and make a golden child and a scapegoat child.
Female and male narcissists will devalue, smear and discard.
We all have narcissism in us, we can all have those selfish moments, or those moments we say something we shouldn’t, good people will recognise what they did wrong, feel guilt, apologies and try their best to not make the same mistake twice, narcissist people do no have the ability to care for various reasons, lack of empathy, unable to reflect, blaming all others as to them the world is against them especially the woe is me, vulnerable narcissist,.
Research in 2018 suggests that 7.7 per cent of men and 4.8 per cent of women have a narcissistic personality disorder. It is quite hard to diagnose NPD as most will not go for treatment, and a lot can easily fool any test.
Most people I speak with are women who’ve suffered abuse emotional and sometimes physical abuse at the hands of a male, also men that have been in a relationship with a narcissistic man, and most deaths at the hands of narcissistic sociopaths or psychopath, murders from abusive partners or stalkers are women killed by men, there are a few explanations for this which I will go into further. Men are possibly more likely to take their own lives due to the emotional trauma from a narcissistic relationship.
Firstly males are usually programmed from an early age to be tough, to not cry, they are dominant, powerful and strong, as a women myself it was extremely daunting and took a lot of overcoming my own pride and ego that not only had I been in an abusive relationship, I’d stayed way longer than I ever should have, also fear of judgment from others, with that in mind, my personal opinion is it’s a lot harder for the alpha male (just a sweeping generalisation.) to step forward and speak up about what they have been through, I also believe society is quick to blame the male a believe the female narcissist who’s playing the woe is me, victim, exceptionally well. So statistics are most likely not accurate.
All narcissists feel inner shame, the main difference between male and female narcissists is males can be more prone to use emotional and physical violence, female narcissists are most likely just to use psychological violence, which emotional violence is extremely confusing and damaging, as it still destroys people in the most unimaginable ways.
The vulnerable narcissist.
All narcissistic people have Lack of empathy, Sense of Entitlement, Lack of emotion regulation, Feelings of superiority, Disorder in home life and professional life, Non-linear relationship between facts and feelings, Self-esteem issues characterised by up and down moods, and so many more.
The vulnerable narcissist is considered to be part of the covert narcissists.
A vulnerable narcissist has a victim mentality. They are always playing the victim, and still require a lot of sympathetic attention. All narcissists can play the victim when they feel a need to manipulate in that way.
Like all narcissist types, They are emotionally draining to be around. With the vulnerable, it’s, mostly because of how sensitive they are on top of them being emotionally demanding. Their mission in life is to get the people around them to see them as the perfect creatures they believe themselves to be.
Vulnerable narcissists are often depressed. The life they live does not meet the fantasy of the life they feel entitled to.
Unlike people with other disorders that try to take their own lives or self-harm, Vulnerable narcissists are one of the few people to make threats of self-harm in order to get attention. They rarely follow through with it.
Vulnerable narcissists often appear to be calm people, and they have very confusing self-esteem issues.
A vulnerable narcissist believes they are perfect like most narcissists. They perceive that the world is out to get them. They try everything to get the attention they think they deserve by manipulating those around them.
They are emotionally draining to be around, as they are highly sensitive, extremely emotional and very fragile.
They are vain, Infantile and self-destructive.
Their first line of narcissistic defences they will be, passive-aggressive and shutting people out optioning to use the silent treatment as their preferred manipulation to punish others. They will mostly play the victim card because they will always see themselves as the victim.
They are also known as introverted, covert, fragile or closet narcissist, they still feel, and believe they are superior to most people they meet, yet they hate being in the spotlight. They often seek to try to attach themselves to what they see as special people, and They will seek pity from others to get sympathy and maybe excessive generosity to receive the attention and admiration they need to boost their inner self-worth.
Some vulnerable Female narcissist and those that might not have narcissistic personality disorder, as they want the rich, powerful alpha male to take charge, as they are extremely emotionally charged they can go with their feelings rather than their thoughts of logic, so if they feel you’ve hurt them in some way, they’ll believe you have, even if you haven’t actually done anything.
They will manipulate, they will gaslight, intimidate, provoke to cause that reactive abuse, they will do all they can to push your buttons until you explode. Both narcissistic men and women do this.
When it comes to men and women. In my opinion, most women can be more calculated than men, not in all cases, and some men are more calculated than some women.
So where most men act on impulse, using each part of their brain at that moment in time, women have a whole lot more emotional attachment, I’m not saying men don’t, just women that are emotionally charged remember a lot more as they have usually attached emotions to experience, men’s brains don’t always do this yet some do. So narcissistic women can and will use things against others that happened years ago, they can simmer on something they felt was said or done to them, not actually said or done, and use it against someone years later.
Research suggests that NPD is often diagnosed as something else in women, for those who do get a diagnosis they are often diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder or similar personality disorders.
You could also be dealing with a female that’s suffering from PTSD from past abusive situations, not always, yet symptoms are similar. The main thing to look out for to spot the difference is are they entitled? Do they exploit others? If they don’t have these then they are most likely suffering from PTSD and not NPD.
A relationship with a vulnerable female narcissist is very, they want you when you don’t want them, then they don’t want you when you do want them. Simply because they don’t know what they want. This could also be due to PTSD from past trauma and they desperately want and need to feel loved, yet they are extremely scared of being hurt.
Some girls grow to be women with a miss understanding and a pressure of who they are supposed to be, wanting to fall in love and have a man, yet wanting careers and to be self-reliant so somewhere they lose the sense of being a female the feminine side within a relationship or when they hit that they fear to be dependent on another especially if suffering from PTSD.
Or they’ve been raised to believe they get married and have children, even if that’s not what they truly want, so go with those beliefs and expectation yet as it’s not what they truly want they begin to struggle within a relationship.
Or they’ve been raised to believe they get married and have children they seek to have that perfect family life, and when it’s not perfect they struggle to cope as nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.
When women are raised not sure on simply how to be themselves, to fit into a box of what women should be, often believing they need Prince Charming to rescue them, they end up trying to act in ways they believe men want them to, not being true to themselves, they can also go for the bad guy, the man that takes risks as they seem more manly and more of a challenge, even though it’s not what they truly want, then when their emotions are on overdrive and they start projecting those onto the male, or when they are not happy they start provoking the male until the male snaps, then they blame the male for being violent and the narcissist. Most narcissists will do their best to provoke to cause reactive abuse, so they can spin the story to suit themselves. Yet in culture, it’s deemed far worse for men to lash out at women than women to lash out at men, yet both are equally wrong.
Men then often feel guilty for lashing out to which the female narcissist will then use against them to guilt trip to get their own way.
All people have narcissism within them. So when you’re around negative narcissistic people it can bring out your negative narcissistic side. The toxic relationship is formed and neither of you might actually be narcissistic, yet you both get trapped in the cycle of abuse. If you have empathy for another, if you feel guilt or remorse, if you ever blamed yourself, then you are not a narcissist.
It’s possible most not all-male narcissist uses people to reach their goals, the most female narcissist uses people to break free from the social norm and use people to get to the top of the food chain.
Society for a long time was the male as the breadwinner, and the female the empath and the homemaker, roles are reversed in some, and people are becoming confused and conflicted as to what their role is in life, causing conflict within relationships, as women try to be the women, the girl, the princess, yet want the career, and men try to to be the breadwinner and in charge.
Almost like a battle of wills as to who plays which role.
When it comes to relationships it’s about being who you truly are and 50/50 so sometimes the women need to take care of her man 90/10 depending on what’s happening and sometimes the man needs to look after her women 90/10.
There’s becoming a lot of pressure on who’s supposed to play what role in society, yet we all have masculine and feminine energy, both males and females are allowed to have both and do have both.
Some female narcissist and some females who just have that drive for success can emasculate a man, so the man starts to stand up for themselves only to be provoked by the women.
Like all narcissists the female envy’s those who are where she would like to be, she manipulates situations to get to where she wants to be and tries to control those around her, to suit her wants and needs.
Females can look towards a male to make them feel safe and secure and to be dominant, yet NPD females or those suffering from PTSD, can have learned to become self-reliant, so in putting themselves into a position of trusting someone not to hurt them can be a very scary place to be, then the battle within their own mind begins to keep control of situations any way they can, usually by manipulation, and like male and female narcissists pushing others away.
They can also if on the spectrum or suffering from NPD not truly opening up their love towards their partner, leaving the male not feeling appreciated, the male might try all they can to prove their love, yet as the female pushes them away, the male feelings hurt moves away, for the female to then pull the male back in.
Female narcissistic friends, use their friends, they are in competition with their friends, often putting friends down to feel better within themselves, envious of how friends look, the relationships their friends have with others, often seeking to triangulation, divide an conquer, to gain control of that friend for their own selfish need, rarely being supportive unless it’s to further manipulate, or looking supportive yet destroying marriages and family’s with bad advice. The invalidate how their friends look, think and feel. In a group of female friends the narcissist, or the one with narcissistic traits, will look for the strongest link, the biggest competition and seek to isolate them from the rest of the group to feel better within herself. They can be extremely vindictive, cold and calculating in their ways to achieve this.
No contact is always best if you are dealing with a narcissist, if they are just toxic, limiting your time around them, especially when they are provoking you, retreat, rethink and respond only if you need to do so.
Coming away from any relationship with any narcissist be it friends, parent, family members is draining, it’s the time to create new dreams and new routines for you, making your life work for you.
You can and you will recover from this.
Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse
Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.
All about the narcissist Online course.
Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.
Am I really dealing with a narcissist?