Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be an extremely mentally, physically, financially, energy-draining experience.
It’s extremely confusing as they can idealise/ love bomb you and treat you better than anyone ever has. Just to bring you crashing down and treat you worse than anyone ever has. One minute they treat you so right, then the next they treat you so wrong and just do not care, then they are back to caring for you again like the flick of a light switch.
Yet as we know normal relationships do have their ups and downs, we know it’s normal to disagree and then find a compromise, with the narcissists blame shifting we are made to feel at fault, with their projection we are made to feel like we are not the ones compromising. With the narcissists gaslighting we can not see what is truly happening to us, so it’s even harder to see our own reality especially when there is no physical violence, even those narcissists who do use physical violence, they will twist and turn it around through many manipulation tactics, gaslighting, projection and blame shifting into making us question ourselves. What did I do wrong? How could I have handled the situation better? With the silent treatment often making us look to ourselves for answers to sort the situation out quickly and stop feeling the way we do. Whilst they simply appear to just not care, then when we pled, beg, apologise and make up to them however we can, they suddenly care again, Then with their pity plays and us trying harder and harder to help them, making excuses up for them, forgiving them for things we never thought we’d forgive people for or even let others treat us that way.
Why do we do this?
The narcissist’s manipulation works extremely well even with the most intelligent and strong people. They carefully learn all about us, all our likes and dislikes, all our hopes and dreams, then they mirror them and shower us with them. Leading us into believing we’ve met the one, after this, they slowly and carefully take us down, this is because of their own deeply hidden insecurities. then they make it our fault and when we conform to their demands, they will then shower us with affection again, reinforcing in our minds it was something we did wrong. When all along it was never us, we just have a kind caring heart, understanding people make mistakes and want to help people, we know disagreements happen between people, yet with a narcissist, it’s incredibly cruel intimidating and threatening, often believing we are to blame as well as being isolated from friends and family so only have the narcissist to turn to for a reality check, before understanding the true reality of the situation, most of us are too scared to speak out, in case others don’t believe what we say, things we might have said or did whilst under the narcissists spell, finding it hard to understand within ourselves what’s truly happening. then if we do make it out the narcissists smear campaigns, taking our homes, out lively hoods, threats using their own children against us, using the courts to further control and punish us it’s hard. Often they come for the hoover to suck us back in and through fear of abandonment, just wanting the situation to end, fear of what they might do, our forgiving nature we go back, for the whole cycle to start again.
Most of us are guilty in the heat of the moment, of saying hurtful things to others, most relationships have ups and downs when people disagree with those they care about, yet because we do care, we don’t want to break up, we want to compromise and work it out. This is called object consistency. Even when healthy people not on the disorder do split up, although they know they can not be together, they still have a connection to caring for each other.
Is the ability to maintain an emotional bond with others, even when there is conflict or distance. A cognitive skill usually required around the age of 2 to 3. This means those on the narcissistic personality spectrum do not have this skill set and can simply just stop caring and walk away, however those who’ve suffered at the hands of a narcissist still have the emotional ability to care and have an emotional bond with someone, even when they are feeling, angry, hurt or disappointed in them.
most people can move past the little things, often those who’ve been with a narcissist can move past big things, yet those with a narcissistic personality disorder, the negative feelings they have towards that person at that moment is all they will focus on those negative feelings only.
Dating a narcissist is devastating, one minute you have this perfect loving partner, the next something switches and you have a cruel, calculated, threatening angry monster in front of you.
As they are unable to take responsibility for their own actions they can flick a switch, between hot and cold, kind and cruel so fast, most people around them are unaware of what actually just happened.
This with a lack of empathy towards others, lack of attachment towards others, unable to truly care and connect with others means, they can walk straight out of one relationship and straight into another without a glance back. As they feel superior towards all others and have an inflated ego, often the narcissist believing that you are truly at fault, as they don’t feel guilt or remorse, they believe that they are not accountable, they will not take responsibility, all they do is seek revenge and try to destroy those who dare to escape them.
People can have narcissistic traits and little empathy, you can learn how to manage yourself around those.
Those on the upper end of the narcissistic personality disorder, you truly need no contact, to escape their never-ending games.
It’s the lack of the narcissist’s empathy, with the fact they can not take responsibility for their own actions, they can only project this out onto others. No remorse or guilt, with the lack of object consistency within their own minds. That when their perfect partner (as they believe they are perfect and above all others they don’t recognise they are human and make mistakes or that others make mistakes .) so when their partner doesn’t fit into their box of perfect and makes mistakes as all humans do, they do not have the emotional empathy or the object consistency to care. When they make a mistake they blame shift believing you are at fault. They simply want to outdo all others, try to keep control or move onto the next target. Still believing the ex was at fault. As to them, it’s always something you did that made them act out. They will up and leave, Leaving you alone, confused, feeling crazy, heartbroken, trying to pick the pieces back up of your life, all whilst the narcissist continues to attack with their abusive, manipulative games.
To date, it is unknown if some are born this way. Or something happened in early childhood hood to make them this way, turning into the survival fight mode. Also to date no psychologists or researcher has found one that has been able to reprogram their mind and truly change on a permanent basis, they can only change temporary when their needs are being met which is impossible for you to do on a day to day basis as they don’t truly understand themselves, blame all others, and you just slowly lose who you are when around them.
By the time people realise they’ve been involved with a narcissist most are often in too deep, either marriage, children, trauma bonded, to make a clean break. Or you’ve been devalued that much by the narcissist you truly don’t believe you deserve any better and it’s all your fault. You do deserve better and it’s definitely not your fault.
They love bomb and get us hooked like an addict to a drug, then they slowly traumatise us and devalue us, with intermittent shows of affection to keep us addicted, then they discard in some of the cruellest ways. Only to reappear as our saviour just to take us down again.
A narcissist will never truly be able to love and connect with anyone for a genuinely fulfilling relationship. That’s not why they get into relationships for, they need a supply of your emotions to fill up their self-worth.
They want partners to take care of their every need, cook and clean for them, clean up after them and the mess they make of their life, pay their bills, and take care of all their adult responsibilities. Clean up after any trouble they cause. They can not lash out at all coworkers and friends as then their mask would slip.
They leave many exes in their path of destruction, most often we are left, isolated wondering what just happened, starting life from scratch, confused with a complete loss of self.
Narcissists manipulate all those around them in one form or another, often getting enablers and flying monkeys to do their dirty work for them.
Narcissist also doesn’t have the ability to see others viewpoint, ideas. Perceptions. They can not see that although people are good occasionally they make mistakes and might hurt someone’s feelings. Where we can forgive people and see others perceptions, a narcissist simply doesn’t have that capability, and as they project their faults out they see you as the problem and never themselves.
No matter how many times they promise to change they simply are incapable of permanent change. They just see others as a competition that they need to keep beneath them.
Breaking free from the narcissist isn’t easy, it is, however, possible, working on the groundwork of who you are and building yourself back up into who you want to become, creating new dreams. Coming of the chemicals that are released during the relationship, from those highs and lows, you are weaning yourself off a drug.
Working on your human needs, which are love and connection, growth, certainty, uncertainty, contribution and significance.
A narcissistic relationship hits all of these needs and anything you do that meets three of these needs through, actions or emotions and you become addicted.
Going and trying new activities and meeting new people for love and connection, growth, uncertainty when you start and certainty when you get into the routine.
Finding something where you can connect with others. Contribute to others to learn and grow.
You need to become addicted to something else, a good cause, something you enjoy, something you are passionate about.
Yoga and meditation are also helpful. As is exercise.
Learning who you are, surround yourself with positive people.
Working on your mindset, throwing away all those negative, toxic subconscious thoughts a toxic, that the negative narcissist projected into you and creating and new thought process that is true to yourself.
Start telling yourself “I can.” And you will, that “I am special.” And “I do deserve better. ” that “I am worthy.” Working on you and who you are. Focusing on yourself and a whole new life for you and you will heal and recover.