The start is learning all about the disorder, who they are and what they do, so you have an understanding and awareness of what’s happened or what is happening while working on healing yourself.
Once you truly learn who you are, and fall in love with yourself, handle all your emotions, the actions of the narcissists in your life will no longer affect you.
You’ll be able to spot a manipulative person a mile away.
People who manipulate others are often extremely childlike, usually, toddlers trapped in adults body’s. They throw various tantrums when they can not have their own way. They pled, beg. Push and push to get their own way, and they have no respect for other people’s boundaries.
They might have learned throughout childhood how to get their own way, they might have watched one parent manipulate the other, so it became a learned pattern of behaviour.
Narcissistic people, deep down, can be insecure, most often not trusting in others. Whatever they do, they are only ever in it for one person, and that person is themselves. They have an ego. Anything that criticises this ego cuts them deep. Often most people don’t even realise they criticised the narcissist’s ego, yet they get, shouted at, silent treatment, provoked, most often not knowing what they even did, and the narcissist will find a way to blame-shift it all onto you.
One big sign is saying no. Narcissists cannot stand someone saying no to them; this criticism cuts them deep; it hurts their ego and their superior status that they are above all others.
They never learned how to accept a no. Process the no or deal with a no. All they know is how to push, provoke and manipulate into getting people to change their no into a yes, and give in to their narcissistic demands. They will guilt trip, provoke, silent treatment, gaslight and triangulate to get their own needs met. They are selfish through and through. Their mindset is, amongst other things. ” what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is my own.” and with that, eventually, they end up alone.
Not getting reactions from others also wounds them. They believe they are special and superior to all others. If they can not control and get positive, they will try to control by getting negative emotional responses from people. No one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist whose losing control of someone else’s mind.
They are not interested in fairness, and they are not interested in compromise. They don’t have the empathy or compassion to care for others needs, only if it meets a requirement of their own. A narcissist is living to win in life, to win only for them, regardless of the cost to those around them. Eventually, when everyone sees through them, they lose.
Life is just a game to them of dominance, control and winning, and they’ll play any game they can to stay on top and keep control at a cost to all those around them.
They cannot stay rational while things are going their way they’ll look like they can, when they are getting what they want whenever they want it all is well, the problem is most of them don’t even know what they genuinely wish to have, so this is unachievable they want instant answers from you, they want to say jump, and you say “how high.” Then they want you to jump that high, even when it’s impossible, they don’t want you to think for yourself, or others, only them, they want to be your top priority, all your hopes, needs, dreams need to take a hike out of the window, and you need to replace those with all of theirs.
They know all your insecurities and your weaknesses, they know your fears, they know what hurts you, and if they are not getting their own way, they will use them against you until they get what they want. They will use your vulnerabilities against you, to gain control of all situations. They are often leaving you, hurt, upset, anger, frustrated and confused as to what just happened, lowering your defence and giving in. Yet giving in will not help you; they will continue to take more and more from you.
When you stop giving them what they want, this is when their games go up a notch, the bullying, smear campaigns, threats, intimidation, the gaslighting, blameshifting, provoking, they project spew of “you’re not good enough, you don’t do anything for me.”
The moment you stop playing their games is when they can tantrum on an epic scale. Stay safe, and most will eventually leave you alone, some, however, are more dangerous than others. Get non-molestation orders, restraining orders, protection orders, even if you’re not called the police before, you’ve got to stand up for yourself against these bullies. Keep diary’s, call authorities whenever they try something, keep messages. Document all their behaviour.
They have a sense of entitlement and hate losing what they believe to be rightfully theirs. They want you to doubt yourself, blame yourself, turn to them and give up on who you are.
Good kind caring people often fall for these types, there is nothing wrong with you, keep that good kind caring side, just stop people-pleasing, when you stop people-pleasing and take care of your own needs first before being kind to others, it will naturally remove negative people from your life, good people who understand and respect other people will stay in your life.
Learning to love yourself is vital. Learning your likes and dislikes, keep asking yourself “who am I.” And keep going until you know, start new hobbies, study something new, try new things, change your routine. Keep going.
How to handle these kinds of people. If they are in your life.
1. If you can no contact, do it, no excuses. If not, no reaction, know who you are, live by your rules and only respond if needed.
2. Know who you are and what you want, if you don’t know that. Ask yourself “who am I.” Don’t say yes to people if you feel uncomfortable with saying yes. Take time to think about it, say no if it’s a no. Don’t do something for someone just to be liked, as you’ll only end up resenting them, only do things for others you feel comfortable in doing. Remember, yes, from the goodness and kindness of your heart. No to protect the goodness and kindness of your heart.
3. It might feel uncomfortable or scary when you start saying no, once you have to stand your ground and stick to your no. Know it’s ok to do what’s best for you at times when you need to. You are not a bad person just because you sometimes put yourself first if you feel the need to explain you’re no, explain once and once only if you don’t want to explain then don’t. Those you first meet, will either respect you or walk away from you, those who walk are not for you, let them go. People who are already in your life that love and respect you will accept your no, those who don’t will not.
4. Be prepared when you say no to a narcissist that’s been in your life for a while. They will try to guilt you, and they will try to shame you. They might threaten and intimidate you.
5. When you get these work on your emotions, don’t react, instead, look inwards and take control. So when that emotion hits.
- Recognise the emotions. It’s a signal.
- What is it telling you? To change your communication, change your perceptions, change your circumstances, change your situation, change your expectations.
- Take action.
Do not give in when they are throwing a tantrum, focus on what you can do for you, so they no longer affect you when they do.
So if they make you feel guilty.
Why do you feel guilty? Is what they say how you truly feel? Or how they are making you think.
Do what’s right for you.
If they make you feel angry. Are they using a weakness against you? If they are, can you change your perception of that weakness, can you change your reaction to them?
Do what will serve you best, not them.
If they make you scared, are they doing this to get you to do something, or stop you doing something?
Get prepared, don’t think of the worst that can happen, focus on keeping yourself safe, and how you want the outcome to be.
6. Keep working on you and who you want to be. Start new activities, create new dreams, build a vision of where you’d like to be next year at this time and take those steps to get yourself there.
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The narcissists counter-parenting.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
Nine phrases if you can not go no contact.