The narcissist makes you accept things as normal and adjust yourself and your life around you to suit them. Now it is the time to recognise that it’s not normal and adjust your life to suit you. With a narcissist, everything is ok while you stay in your place and serve them, yet you’re not alright, life’s not ok, you slowly but surely lose who you are, lose your reality, lose your friends and family, lose your freedom, lose your happiness you lose your dreams and lose your sanity. Yet as soon as you start to rise, they try to sink you further under with all their manipulation, from gaslighting, projection, triangulation, silent treatment, blame-shifting, and so many more. Yet when you rise one last time and get out safely, all hell seems to break loose.
You can not win a fight with a narcissist by fighting back with them. They know all your weaknesses to use against you. To win, you have to walk away from the battle.
George Bernard Shaw. “You can not wrestle with pigs, you get dirty, and the pig likes it.”
You did not realise you were in a psychological fight for your sanity during the relationship, and you do not realise you were in the fight of your life.
The only way to move forward to a much happier life for you is to no longer take part in their games.
Your mind controls your emotions, and you need to be in control of your mind.
I understand through experience, and I know it’s easier said than done when they use all your weaknesses against you, when they find old wounds and do their best to Rip them wide open, then they stand and enjoy watching you cry out, with a smirk on their face. When they use children against you, and it’s heartbreaking seeing your children go through this, feeling helpless and the children not having the loving, kind parent you thought they’d have.
You can survive the abusive relationship, you can survive this, and you can help your children survive too. One happy, healthy parent will raise happy, healthy, happy children.
When the narcissist triggers us, and we react, we explain, we defend, we justify ourselves to the narcissist and believe we are getting our point of view across, we are not, we are only giving our power to them to continue their psychological and emotional games. The more we react, the more the narcissist will escape accountability by blaming us for our reactions.
You can not have sincere, honest, open communication with insincere, lying, covert people.
Anything you say to a narcissist will be twisted and used against you.
Learning not to let the narcissist impact your life, learning to ignore them, means you take back control of your life, and they become powerless against you.
Narcissists live in a different reality to us, and they do not want compromise. They do not want to help others. They only want to help themselves.
As we go through recovery, each step is a learning curve. Each battle won within ourselves to overcome anxiety, CPTSD, fear, guilt, anger, resentment, trauma bonding and those negative self-doubts they’ve drilled into our mindsets. It is one step closer to leaving your past behind, no longer be infected by the narcissist, learning to live in the present day, and moving into a much happier future.
A narcissist is extremely jealous and envious of people, and most often when they see you moving on happily with your life. They up their games to pull your attention back onto them. They might do this by trying to destroy you or by playing nice and coming for the hoover as they feel you have something they can use you for.
The silent treatment they use so well to make us doubt ourselves is their biggest weakness. They can not stand it when people ignore them. They feel their power and control slipping away. No contact or grey rock is a must. For some narcissistic people, this will be enough for them to tell themselves a different story and leave you alone. They might reappear sometime later, again with no response they’ll leave you alone, others. However, they will up their games to get a reaction from you. Attention makes them feel powerful. They don’t care for negative or positive, so long as they get attention. At first, you might use ignoring them as punishment. If that’s what gets you started, then it’s a great start, but during that time, you need to work on healing yourself, so ignoring them becomes a way of living for a much peaceful life for you.
Things to remember when recovering from narcissist abuse.
- You are far from alone. Reach out for help and support.
- So you’re no longer dependent on living to how others think you should be living, how you think others think you should be as a person, remember it’s not important to want anyone else thinks of, only you define yourself, with good intentions, there is no wrong way and no right way only your way.
- Standards, keeping your own standards high, yet keep your expectations low when we expect those toxic people to understand on our level. Yet, they don’t understand things like other peoples feelings, morals, compassion, two-way conversation, compromise when we think they do. We are the ones going to spend our whole lives frustrated.
- Boundaries, good people will respect your boundaries, we need a million and one ways to say NO, and we need to stick to our nos. When you learn the art of saying no to things that don’t make you feel good, it becomes a great deal breaker to eliminate toxic people from in your life or entering your life.
- Heal any wounds, if you fear being cheated on, remember narcissists use that against you, when you find a genuine person, they won’t hurt you in that way, if they use the children against you, keep everything via email or messages and keep a diary of the children’s behaviour, keep copies, if they bring the children back late, do not react, that’s why they’ve done it if they let them down have back up plans, do not let the narcissist know, if they know they are hurting you through the children they will focus your time and energy on the children. If you have to go no contact for safeguarding issues, you’ll have healed yourself, have evidence, and you will make it through any court process. Just focus on the best interests of the children at all times.
- Pattern interrupt in the mindset, removing all those toxic thoughts the narcissist planted in your subconscious one by one, writing them out, writing who told you, then writing the truth. When they are running in your mind, rent-free subconscious popping by, consciously remove them back out.
- Learn the patterns they cycle around to get reactions from you, from pity plays, apologies, threats, rage, watch and learn, observe their behaviour, don’t absorb their toxins. Then stop focusing on the narcissist and focus on you if you break a bone. You don’t spend six weeks focusing on how you broke it, and still, use it and live in that pain. You seek help to get it fixed; you deal with the break before anything else.
- Releasing your anger and resentment towards them and towards yourself, it’s in the past now, and your present no longer needs it. If they come at you, by all means, scream it out, shout it out, talk to someone who understands, just never direct it to the narcissist they want and need your reactions. You want and need to heal and become free.
Working on your healing, new dreams, a new thought process will give you a much calmer, more peaceful life. Hopefully, the narcissist will realise they’re not getting what they want from you and leave you alone, yet when they do come at you, it’ll no longer affect you once you’re healed.
Disarming a narcissist.
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All about the narcissist Online course.
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The narcissists counter-parenting.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
Anger and resentment.