Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw Life-Coach.
Creating boundaries to start is extremely difficult, you might think you’re turning into a narcissist, the narcissist has no boundaries so they will keep upping their game to try and step over yours. Often leaving you full of self-doubt as they say things like. “You’re awkward.” Or “you’re being unreasonable.” Then the. “You’re just bitter and jealous.” Or their favourite. “You’re crazy.” Making you question your own choices and sanity. When it’s not you, that’s the problem. It’s them that cannot handle people sticking up for themselves. It’s their insecurities that cannot handle others being happy and moving on. They are saying these things to break down your boundaries and gain control over you.
If something doesn’t feel right or makes you unhappy to say yes, if something’s doesn’t give you the inner peace, you need to say no and stick to your no, remember why you said no and don’t let their words affect your answer. The problem is with them having no respect for another person’s boundaries. The problem is not you.
Most narcissistic people believe they are above the law. They want power and control over others, and they hate people setting boundaries on them.
As soon as they step over one boundary, they’ll go for another. The only way to stop this is to stop playing, stick to your boundaries. Often they’ll not even listen to court orders, every time they break these, call the authorities, every time.
How to create and stick to your boundaries. If you’re still in the relationship, or if it’s a work colleague, friend or family member, or you’re out of the relationship, and the narcissist is still coming out you. You have most likely found it extremely difficult to set boundaries.
If it wasn’t your parents that were narcissistic think back to what your standards, beliefs and values were before you got into a toxic relationship and how they changed.
If you’ve stayed in a narcissistic relationship longer than you should, or your parents were narcissistic, do you know what your boundaries are?
Narcissists have a great many manipulative ways, to break down other peoples boundaries, from gaslighting to the silent treatment, blame-shifting to triangulation. Sometimes they do it simply to amuse themselves. Like jabbing you in the side or groping you hard. And when you say “that hurts,, please don’t.” They’ll tell you things like. “You’re too sensitive.” Or “My ex never minded.” They’ll sulk or go on the silent treatment. Or “if you loved me you wouldn’t mind. They break down the smaller boundaries that you know others might not have. The cruelty and calculated go after the bigger ones, during and after the relationship.
When you have to stand up to them, you might have physical and mental symptoms of anxiety, fear, dizzy, feeling sick, feeling scared, feeling confused about what’s right and wrong. This is what the narcissist wants to remain control over you.
They will push and push and push to ware you down, hurt you, upset you and confuse you, and they do this, so you give up your fight, give into them and accept defeat for an easier life, though it’ll not get easier as once they’ve got one they’ll go after them all.
Whenever you speak up for your beliefs, values, boundaries or instincts, the narcissist will most often tell you. “You’re insecure.” To fill you with self-doubt and give in to them.
Any weaknesses or fears you have, the narcissist will learn and continue to use them against you, to break you down even more.
They will not soothe your fears, and they’ll do their best to make you fear more. They’ll up the manipulation to leave you feeling worthless and full of self-doubt. They train you not to stand up for your self, through fear of the rage, silent treatments and often them blaming their behaviour on something you did by blame-shifting, leaving you with more self-doubt and fear.
- A narcissist will overstep your boundaries.
- You stand firm with your boundaries.
- A narcissist will triangulate, blame shift, rage, gaslight, pled, push, provoke, prod, belittle you.
- You give up the fight as your left hurt and confused and try to keep the peace.
- Then they start with another boundary of yours, and the same pattern repeats until you lose the fight to stand up for yourself or set any in the first place.
Basic boundaries to set up if you’ve not already got any. It’s hard to set boundaries if you’re a people pleaser, you need to understand, good people will respect and understand you for your boundaries, setting good boundaries are amazing to deal-breakers to remove toxic people from your life without the need for red flags. Boundaries are for how much you give and how much you receive. There are things you wouldn’t tell your children that you’d tell your partner. Things you’d tell your partner that you wouldn’t tell your mother etc. Things you’d do for those that you wouldn’t do for the other. Boundaries do vary depending on whom it with.
Building up your self-esteem will help build up your boundaries, knowing who you are, working on your inners self, what you do and do not feel comfortable with doing. Listening and tuning into your instincts will help you build boundaries.
- No contact or grey rock with those who’ve previously continued to hurt you and step over your boundaries.
- Giving them no reactions when they provoke you, do not defend yourself or respond, they will use it to try and further manipulate you.
- Observe what they do. Do not absorb.
- What are your core values, what do you feel comfortable and uncomfortable in doing, if something makes you feel uncomfortable it needs to be a no, you do not need a reason other then you don’t feel comfortable?
- Does something annoy you or irritate you, then it needs to be a no?
- Are you fed up of loaning money or your car to certain people, then it needs to be a no if you’re happy doing so with those who do in return them yes.
Values vary between each individual person and what theirs are. Also the person you are dealing with. So you might loan someone money. Who you know will lay you back, help you out etc. Say no to those who you know are only using you.
- If someone crosses a boundary remind them what they are, good people will apologise.
- If they continue to cross them, you need to take action.
- If they show up for the children unannounced, don’t answer the door.
- If they’re not supposed to come near you, and they do call the police.
- If they are late (allowing traffic.) to collect children without letting you know to set a time limit and go out. Next time they need to show when they said they would.
- If they borrowed money and never paid you back, don’t loan them any more.
- Be consistent, make sure your actions match your words.
- If they keep trying to cross the same boundaries, let them go.
- If someone will not respect your boundaries, do you need them in your life? Are they taking more than they are willing to give? Do they constantly hurt you or let you down?
Some narcissist will up their games when you start putting boundaries into place do not give in, they will eventually give up.
People test boundaries once or twice, when they’re not narcissistic, especially children.
Things you can control.
- Your words.
- Your ideas.
- Your actions.
- Your mistakes.
- Your behaviour.
- Your effort.
Things outside of your control.
- Other peoples feelings towards you.
- Others intentions.
- Others actions.
- Others behaviour.
- Others mistakes.
- Others words.
So long as whatever you do has good intentions behind them, good people will respect and understand these, toxic or narcissistic people will try to bring you down.
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