Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Narcissists use gaslighting so that we doubt ourselves and doubt our reality. If you can not go no contact, a narcissist most often will still try to control and gaslight you.
Narcissists are thieves. They want to steal everything from you, including taking your own mental and physical health, they want to keep you under their spell, keep you locked in a trance of confusion and isolated from others, so you only go to them for a reality check. So you have no one to rely on or turn to other than the narcissist.
They want to take your confidence away from you and steal your voice, so you become too afraid to speak up for yourself.
They achieve this in various forms of manipulation. They will criticise you, use your own insecurities against you. They will invalidate you, saying something happened when it didn’t, or something did when it did not.
They will deny the facts. They will blame you. They will try to shame you. They will guilt trip you. They will put fear into you, anything they can do to sink you further under their spell, they will. They are like a virus that’s affects everything about who you were and who you are, they don’t have to affect how you become now.
Narcissists have to remain above all others and in control, even if you know exactly what happened, if it criticised them, goes against them, or they fear losing control, they will deny, deny and deny some more, they will switch the blame onto you to escape accountability. Leaving you with self-doubt and unanswered questions.
They say things with such conviction, you start to believe it is all you and not the narcissist.
With a lot of what the narcissist says, it comes down to your word versus their word, if you can keep communication via email of messages, so you have written evidence, if not keep a written diary, so when they are making you doubt something they did or did not say or something you did or didn’t say, you can check this, especially when it comes to doing the child care arrangements.
Your mindset is also key, they are not in charge of you, your life or who you want to be, so if they’re trying to confuse you, and you know exactly what happened, look inward to yourself and give yourself the answer, do not respond or react to them, they will not suddenly say “oh yes sorry you are correct.” They just keep going for an argument or change the situation into something you’ve not done or how crazy you are. You have to learn to look to yourself and leave them be in their own false reality.
You do not have to defend yourself or rationalise to the narcissist. This is only giving them more reactions and more ammunition to use against you, keeping their control over you and your mind, just know what you know and leave them be, the only person you need to answer to is yourself.
George Bernard Shaw.
“Never wrestle with pigs, you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.”
If you say. “It was like this”, and they say “your wrong.”
If you have to respond. “That’s ok I know you and I think differently, my opinion is for me and yours is for you.” Then leave it at that.
Always remain calm and always remain firm with your own beliefs.
Any form of communication with a narcissist is a game, there is no middle ground and no compromise, it’s their way, or you will be punished way, to them they must win at all cost, and you must lose.
Leave them with their own mindset, as they only want to argue and drag you under with them.
You need firm boundaries of what you will and will not accept from them. Your NO needs to mean NO.
Any given situation when they believe they can get one over on you, they will pounce and do it, so you have to stick with, non-emotional to the point, businesslike responses.
You have to relearn your own values and beliefs system, build up your self-esteem and no longer let the narcissists affect you.
They will also use triangulation to gaslighting you. “Even they think you’re crazy. Everyone thinks your unreasonable.”
Again you must stick to your own thoughts, and your own beliefs, whoever they’re saying has spoken about you in that way probably hasn’t, the narcissist is trying to trick you. If they have, they are under the narcissist’s spell, have been fed countless lies about you and are just another one of the narcissists flying monkeys.
Narcissist have a lack of awareness about themselves, about others feeling and about reality, they can not accept other opinions or points of view, they have to remain in control, most are extremely good at lying and blame-shifting, so you have to learn not to react as it only gives them more to use against you, often leaving you more frustrated, more confused and more lost, the less you converses with these people, the happier you will become.
To become free, you need to understand the narcissist, just wants your emotional reactions, and wants to keep control over your life and keep your mind all over, with them constantly in your thoughts.
You do not and can not control what they think or what they do. You can not change them into a happier better person, you can, however, learn to leave them be, let them do what they do, you can learn to ignore them, create a new much happier life for you, you can learn not to react.
The less reaction they get them more likely they are to leave you alone, they may try to up their games, as long as you continue not to play, they should eventually leave you alone, instead of reacting to them, put that time and effort into yourself and the children, the more they don’t get reactions from you through what they do to the children, the faster they will stop the games with the children.
Let your children know. They have a right to their own reality and own opinions, do not try to fight fire with fire by telling the children your version, the children just end up caught in the middle with no one to turn to, if the children know they can come to you without, the fear of judgement, they will grow a lot stronger and wiser for it, parenting isn’t easy at the best of times, it can be even more draining with the other parent is simply counter parenting, so get rest, look after yourself, get a support system in place for yourself, someone or somewhere you can reach out and not feel so alone.
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