How to work out, if you need to get out or stay out of an abusive relationship, be it a parent, friend, partner, boss or family member and start working on yourself and your life
If you are still in an abusive relationship right now, or around people who just bring you down, or thinking about giving it another go, you need to ask yourself some questions and answer them honestly.
- What is the cost to me of staying or going back to this relationship?
- What do I gain from this relationship? What would I gain going back?
- Is the relationship give and take?
- Can I be myself around them?
- Do they bring the best out in me?
- Am I happy?
- Do I feel safe?
Every relationship has a cost, but a normal relationship is about take and give, give something to someone else and receive something back. In normal relationships, you don’t take, just to receive, you don’t give only to receive, no good deed is done without some reward, even if you weren’t expecting a reward, sometimes you’ll be giving 100%, and sometimes you’ll be taking 100%. Sometimes it’s 50/50 or 80/20. Then it might be 20/80, depending on who’s in need at any given time. That’s real relationships. Helping each other out depending on who needs the help and support, not one dragging one down. If you have to work in a relationship, that’s ok that’s normal, if you have to make some sacrifices to help each other out, that’s real relationships, if you have to give up everything about who you are, that’s not normal, and they don’t love you for who you are.
Is the relationship give and take?
So if your giving it your all and only receiving when they want something from you, not just because it’s the right thing to do, if you are surrounded with put-downs? Negativity? Cannot do right for doing wrong? Are you always living on the edge? Are you walking on eggshells? Doing everything you can to change yourself to meet their demands and their needs and still feel like you’re not measuring up? If you are now reacting to defend yourself and they always blame you? If you have to lose who you are? No longer allowed to do the things you enjoy doing? If you have to conform to them to have a peaceful life? And it’s still wrong? Then the cost of that relationship is you.
Can you be yourself around them?
Do you feel like you can not do right for doing wrong? Do you find yourself often apologising over thing things you have or haven’t said or done? Can you dress how you want? Without thinking, if your outfit will cause an argument, do you feel like you can speak up for yourself?
Do they bring out the best in you?
Are you encouraged to reach your goals, your dreams, your passion, build relationships with friends and family? or do they judge you, sabotage you, bring out the worst in you?
Are you happy?
Are you becoming more anxious and less confident? do you wonder if you’ve become too sensitive? Is everything that goes wrong in the relationship blamed on you? Do you feel like everything is your fault? No longer feeling like the person you used to be?
Do you feel safe?
If you don’t feel safe, you need to find your safe way out.
If you’re leaving, this is when you need to create a safe plan of action.
The start of getting out is taking those steps to plan a safe exit, as leaving is the most dangerous time, people do get out safely, and your safety is paramount, you never know to what extent an abusive person will go to, most will not do anything other than the smear campaigns, even so, you need to start putting yourself and your needs first, you do not owe an abusive person an apology or an explanation, you’ve been doing this your entire relationship, and all that does is sink you, you owe yourself the best chance of a safe exit and a fresh start to a happier life.
So if all they do is cycle around to bring you down and hurt your feelings, then it’s time to let go. No matter how hard it is, and make no mistake, it will be hard. Remember that the pain of leaving and recovery is temporary. The pain of holding on is permanent. ￼In the long run, leaving any toxic relationship will be worth it. If you find yourself constantly questioning what you have done wrong, what you could do better, while they continue to let you down, break promises, lie and cheat on you, you can spend your entire life in pain within that relationship, or you can face the short term pain of breaking free now, today, some times we have to face the pain of today to create a happier tomorrow, it will be totally worth it.
Narcissist abuse cycle.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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How to prepare to leave an abusive relationship.