Narcissistic people are tough to spot when you don’t know what one is. By the time you start to think that their behaviour isn’t normal, they don’t seem to understand me, they’re not quite who I thought they were, they interpret things differently, they don’t seem to think the same way they used to, and they seem not to be taking any form of responsibility, you’re that head over heels in love with them, your head and heart want to believe in that reality of that person you first met, the person who raised you, the friend who is stood in-font of you is real, while your instinct is screaming at you, how unbelievable their behaviour is, however, because you can not work out just what your instincts are trying to tell you, and with all the help of the narcissist’s word salad, gaslighting and manipulation you keep pushing those instincts back down.
Or perhaps one or both of your parents were narcissistic, so you learned through childhood to accept behaviour you should have never accepted. You might not have liked how you were being treated, yet as you didn’t know any better, these were the very people teaching you. You couldn’t work out what was actually going on. Some narcissistic parents are incredibly hurtful, yet as a young child, you had no one to turn to. Your parents instilled so much fear and self-doubt into you, that you were far too afraid to speak up or didn’t think anyone would believe you. When it’s mind games, it’s even more confusing for a young child to try and explain. When the very people in the world who are supposed to protect you are indeed harming you, it becomes increasingly difficult to trust other adults.
A narcissist is so busy pushing their opinions onto you, making you feel responsible for everything that’s wrong within the relationship, everything that is wrong within their lives. They have a sense of entitlement and superiority. They go around exploiting you. Yet, they are making out you are being too controlling, and you’re manipulative, you’re not behaving, it’s all your fault, that things that didn’t happen did, and that something that did happen didn’t, telling you that you were mistaken, you’re confused, and your memory is going. All that gaslighting just messes with your life, happiness, health, mindset, intuition and your heart.
Once you know who they are, all the games they play, tactics they use, and you’re trying to co-parent or trying to keep relationships with other family members so you can not cut them out, it can be draining and simply unbelievable. Sometimes when the word salad and lies are flowing out of their mouths, or you get messages of. “That’s just like you.” As you’ve given up on them and taken back control of your life, and they don’t like it. Or “you’re crazy.” And the “you’ve caused this.” Do you ever want to find a way to make them see? Shake them? Tell them to wake up and smell their lies? That’s so freely flowing from their mouths, as you can clearly see the lies, and you can also see they actually believe themselves.
Narcissists just have a completely different belief system, a completely different view of reality to those around them and an inability to receive any input, perceptions or opinions from others if it doesn’t match the narcissist’s reality.
We can all have our own minds yet still have the ability to think how someone else might feel or how it would make us feel. A narcissist merely lacks the empathy to care how their actions make those around them feel.
It would be lovely if you could get your parents to see how much you care and the damage they cause, not only to those around them, also to themselves, if your child’s parent could see the pain they are causing to their own children, if they could just for a moment stop blaming everything on everyone else and look at themselves, losing their self hatred and negativity, if you could flick a switch on them, so they could wake up and see reality, from what I’ve looked into this is never going to happen as they simply can not see themselves as a problem to change, people have to recognise their own mistakes in order to change them, those who know they have the disorder, have the inability to change, they have a disorder, it’s who they are, they can not take the disorder out, they could learn ways to manage it, however as they are unable and unwilling to see themselves as the problem, most are unable to do so, any change in behaviour is temporary to suit their own needs, they are who they are, they believe they are entitled, they believe they are deserving of special attention, anything they do for others the expect eternal gratitude, they believe they are special and above others, as they are envious of others they believe others are envious of them, they are self absorbed and they are selfish, they lack the empathy to care for how their behaviour affects those around them, many can feel shame, why they pass the blame, as they don’t want others to shame them, they want to get in there first to shame others.
Our minds are inquisitive, part of learning, and the human need for growth. People like answers to problems, people like solutions. People like answers to pain. We want to understand them, who, what, why, and when. Etc.
We can have so many questions running through our minds, ”Why have they done that? Who are they? Why can they not see the pain they cause? When will they change? What makes them act this way?” and many more.
Part of those answers lay in the knowledge of the disorder itself. Now we can not know for sure why people do what they do, act how they act, or what they think. Yet, with the eerily similar stories told by survivors themselves, the nine characteristics of the disorder, with the theories about cognitive thinking, we can generalise how they think to give ourselves answers, leave them in the past and move on with our future.
So if you read some information written by those narcissistic people who know they have the disorder, here’s what’s really going on inside of the narcissists’ minds. Most will never admit this. They have blocked the truth out, and they believe in their own lies. They seem to be extremely immature emotionally. Somewhere along the way, they don’t seem to have developed empathy. So you’d not hear this from a narcissistic person. This is my personal opinion from research on what I believe they would say if they could.
How a narcissist thinks.
I learned as a child, if I’m stubborn or throw a fit, everyone backs down, and I get my needs met. I was powerful and in control then, and I am now. My anger and rage will make you conform and give in to meet my needs only. It works for me. Why change?
If you try to reason with me, it’ll never happen. That part of me never developed past toddlerhood. Therefore I will tantrum any way I can to get my needs met, it worked then, and it’ll work now.
Lying is first to me. It always worked as a child. Honesty gets fools into trouble. Lies keep you safe. It’s all your fault I had to lie to you, as you can not handle the truth.
I’ve already told all my friends and family just how crazy and horrible you genuinely are.
If I promised something, it was only to shut you up. I never meant it. Therefore I didn’t say that, you’re making things up again or you mistreated me. Consequently, you didn’t deserve it.
If you ever have evidence about me, you’ve honestly gone too far, you’ve turned against me, you’ve gone through my things, and you don’t trust me. Therefore, I will find any way I can to make sure you are in the wrong. As you are in the wrong, you will have made me do it in the first place, as you didn’t treat me how I deserve to be treated.
If I took something from you, that’s because I deserved it. After all, I’ve done for you. It’s the least you could do for me.
I don’t trust myself, and that’s why I don’t trust you. I believe all people are just out to get me. However, I’m smarter than them, so I get what I can out of them first. It’s ok. After all, they were trying to manipulate me, so I have to move on to others, as you don’t genuinely care about me.
I will never be interested in others, as I’m just after something. I’m after attention, someone to believe my lies, someone to make me feel good about myself, a place to stay. I’ll always stay one step ahead of the game as I understand that you also must only be after something, and I’m not going to allow you to take advantage of me. I know this to be true, as that’s what I’m doing to you.
I like you feeling weak, as I’m powerful and winning the game.
I love arguing, seeing your powerless, confused face, as I am right, and you are wrong. If you’re right, I’m going to watch you go crazy trying to prove it while I continue to deny it. I’ll deny it so much until I believe that I’m right and you’re wrong, as you are wrong and I am right.
If you’d just listen to me, we would have no problems, you are the problem, and you need to work harder to fix it.
I do not need help, as I’m perfect. I don’t make mistakes. Only others do, as they’re not as wise as me. You made a mistake and then dared to blame me for your own faults.
I am above others and don’t need to do those mundane tasks. That’s what you are here for, to serve me.
I have paranoia, and all others are not to be trusted. I know how I use people, so that must be how all others treat me.
I need to protect myself from others, so I don’t have the empathy to protect you.
I am powerful, and I’m always in control. This keeps all my insecurities from rising and allowing myself or others from seeing them.
Things that have strings attached, where I have to work to help please others without any form of reward for me, feels strange, far too conditional.
Love others. I’m incapable as I don’t understand the true meaning of loving myself, as I’m all about the acting. You can not love those who are not authentic, and I’m not genuine so. Therefore you can not be either.
I will reject you and others before you can reject me, as I fear rejection. I will abandon others before they abandon me. Therefore I’m the one in control.
If you criticise me, depending on the criticism, you will be punished. How dare you? I’m far better than you. If I have to leave, it’s because you made me by not meeting my needs. Therefore I will need to extract revenge on you for taking my rights away from me. No one is allowed to do that to me.
You ignore me? It’s impossible I’ve done no wrong. You’re just trying to control and hurt me because you’re crazy and jealous that you can never be as wise as I am.
How dare you keep the children from me? They belong to me, not you. I made them, you either gave me sperm, or you were my capsule, my incubator. Those children are here to serve me.
No one is as wise or great as I am. Most work to harm me because they are envious that I’m so much better than them, as I know how to play the game. Therefore I do not have to respect you as you’re beneath me.
When I move on to someone new because you could not meet my needs, I’ll ensure everyone knows it’s all your fault and just how much I did to help you.
I have life worked out. I’m more intelligent than the rest of you. Therefore all your opinions are null and void.
I had to go elsewhere as you’d gone crazy on me and would no longer serve me correctly.
I had to come back. You seemed like a normal person again. I was mistaken, you are still crazy, so I had to leave again.
You are the problem, and I’m perfect. I know my stuff. I’m not to blame for your selfishness.
I am the victim, and others just want to hurt me because they’ll never be me.
You can, and you will recover from this.
With a narcissist’s inability to care and have empathy towards others, they just can not love on a deep unconditional level. They can not truly connect with others.
As they live and think as they do, they have their own perceptions only and don’t see another’s, so they feel like others are trying to get one over on them, so they must get in there first.
With their inability to reflect on what they might have done wrong, once their mind is made you, it is made up.
Narcissistic abuse recovery.
Finding some comfort through pain is another method to help with recovery.
So to try and re-find your self-comforts, or create new ones.
Ask yourself. What my first memory of being comforted was?
Understanding your first memory of feeling comforted, either by a person, food or cuddly toy, whatever it was, you can learn to carry that happy feeling with you throughout your life. A good feeling of being comforted is excellent.
If it’s something you used to comfort yourself during the abuse, then it can become a trigger, so you need to remove that comfort and find a new one.
If you went straight for the ice cream, or the chocolate, alcohol, etc., whenever they made you feel low, it’s time to stop and find another method to comfort you. This doesn’t mean you can no longer eat chocolates or drink booze. Just do those when happy, not to comfort yourself.
Instead of doing that old habit of comfort, find a new one, if that’s just taking a walk, putting some music on and having a dance around, things that release endorphins like exercise are not only great for the mind but the body, also, start reading books if you don’t already do so, watch a funny movie. Drawing, colouring, writing, playing an instrument, using your imagination to create new pleasures and talents for yourself, new happy comforts. They may even become your new hobbies, your new dream and your new goals.
Keep going until you find the one that works for you.
Narcissist manipulation tactics.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.