Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
A narcissistic person is tough to spot when you don’t know what one is, by the time you start to think, they’re not quite who you thought they were, they interpret things differently, don’t seem to think the same way they used to, and they seem not to be taking any form of responsibility, you’re that head over heels in love with them, your head and heart wants to believe that person you met, the person who raised you, the friend who is stood in-font of you is real, while your instinct is screaming at you, but because you can not work out just what it is trying to tell you, and with all the help of the narcissist word salad, gaslighting and manipulation you keep pushing that instinct back down.
Or perhaps one or both of your parents were narcissistic, so you learned through childhood, to accept behaviour you should have never accepted, you might not have liked how you were being treated, yet as you didn’t know any better these were the very people teaching you, you couldn’t work out what was actually going on, some narcissistic parents are incredibly hurtful, yet as a young child you had no one to turn to, your parents instilled so much fear and self-doubt into you, that you were far too afraid to speak up, or didn’t think anyone would believe you, when it’s only mind games it’s even more confusing for a young child to try and explain, when the very people in the world that are supposed to protect you are indeed harming you, it becomes increasingly difficult to trust other adults.
The narcissist is so busy pushing, their opinions onto you, making you feel responsible for everything that’s wrong within the relationship, everything that is wrong within their lives. They have a sense of entitlement and superiority, they go around exploiting you, yet they are making out you are being too controlling, you’re manipulative, you’re not behaving, it’s all your fault, that things that didn’t happen did, and that something that did happen didn’t, telling you that you’re mistaken, you’re confused, and your memory is going. All that gaslighting just messes with your life, happiness, health, mindset, institution. And your heart.
Once you know who they are, all the games they play, tactics they use, and you’re trying to co-parent or trying to keep relationships with other family members so you can not cut them out, it can be draining and simply unbelievable. Sometimes when the word salad and lies are flowing out of their mouths, or you get messages of. “That’s just like you.” As you’ve given up on them and taken back control of your life and they don’t like it. Or “you’re crazy.” And the “you’ve caused this.” Do you ever want to slap them? Shake them? Tell them to wake up and smell the lies? That’s so freely flowing from their mouths, as you can clearly see the lies, and you can also see they actually believe themselves.
They just have a completely different view of reality to those around them and an inability to receive any input, perceptions or opinions from others.
We can all have our own mind, yet still have the ability to think how someone else might feel, or how it would make us feel. A narcissist merely lacks the empathy to care how their actions make those around them feel.
How great would it be if you could flick a switch on them, so they could wake up and see reality, from what I’ve looked into this is never going to happen as they simply can not see themselves as a problem to change, people have to recognise their own mistakes in order to change them, those who know they have the disorder, have the inability to change, they have a disorder, it’s who they are, they can not take the disorder out, they could learn ways to manage it, however as they are unable and unwilling to see themselves as the problem, they are unable to do so, any change in behaviour is temporary to suit their own needs, they are who they are.
Our minds are inquisitive, part of learning, and the human need for growth, people like answers to problems, and people like answers to pain, we like to understand them, who, what, why, when. Etc.
I get so many questions, that I once had within myself, of ”Why have they done that? Who are they? Why can they not see the pain they cause? When will they change, What makes them act this way?” and many more.
Part of those answers lay in the knowledge of the disorder itself. Now we can not know for sure why people do what they do, act how they act, or what others think. Yet with the eerily similar story’s told by survivors themselves, the nine characteristics of the disorder, and cognitive thinking, we can generalise how they think to give ourselves answers, leave them in the past and move on with our future.
So if you read some information written by those narcissistic people who know they have the disorder, here’s what’s really going on inside of the narcissists’ mind. Most will never admit this. They have blocked the truth out, and they believe in their own lies. They seem to be extremely immature emotionally. Somewhere along the way, they don’t seem to develop empathy. So you’d not hear this from a narcissistic person, this is my personal opinion from research, on what I believe they would say if they could.
How a narcissist thinks.
I learned as a child, if I’m stubborn or throw a fit, everyone backs down, and I get my needs met, I was powerful and in control then and I am now, my anger and rage will my you conform and give in to meet my needs only. It works for me, why change?
If you try to reason with me, it’ll never happen, that part of me never developed past toddlerhood. Therefore I will tantrum any way I can to get my needs met, it worked then, and it’ll work now.
Lying is first to me, always worked as a child, honesty gets fools into trouble, lies keep you safe. It’s all your fault I had to lie you can not handle the truth.
I’ve already told all friends and family just how horrible you genuinely are.
If I promise something it was only to shut you up, I never meant it. Therefore I didn’t say that you’re making stuff up.
If you ever have evidence about me, you’ve honestly gone too far, you’ve turned against me. Therefore, I will find any way I can to make sure you are in the wrong. As you are in the wrong, you will have made me do it in the first place, as you didn’t treat me how I deserve.
I don’t trust myself, and that’s why I don’t trust you, I believe all people are just out to get me, because I’m better than them, so I have to move onto others, as you don’t genuinely care about me.
I will never be interested in others, as I’m just after something, I’ll always stay one step ahead of the game as I understand that you also must only be after something and I’m not going to allow you to take advantage of me, I know this to be true as that’s what I’m doing to you.
I like you feeling weak, as I’m powerful and winning the game.
I love arguing, seeing your powerless, confused face, as I am right, and you are wrong.
If you’d just listen to me, we would have no problems, you are the problem, and you need to work harder to fix it.
I do not need help, and I’m perfect, I don’t make mistakes only others do, as they’re not as wise as me, you made a mistake and then dared to blame me for your own faults.
I am above others and don’t need to do those mundane tasks, that’s what you are here for, to serve me.
I have paranoia, and all others are not to be trusted, I know how I use people, so that must be how all others treat me.
I need to protect myself from others, so I don’t have the empathy to protect you.
I am powerful, and I’m in control always, this keeps all my insecurities from rising and allowing myself or others from seeing them.
Things that have strings attached, where I have to work to help please others without any form of reward for me, feels strange, far too conditional.
Love others. I’m incapable as I don’t understand the true meaning to love my self as I’m all about the acting. You can not love those who are not authentic, and I’m not genuine so. Therefore you can not be either.
I will reject you and others before you can reject me, as I live in fear of rejection.
If you criticise me, depending on the criticism you will be punished, how dare you, I’m far better than you if I have to leave it’s because you made me by not meeting my needs. Therefore I will need to extract revenge on you, for taking my rights away from me, no one is allowed to do that to me.
You ignore me? Impossible I’ve done no wrong, and you’re just trying to control and hurt me because you’re crazy and jealous that you can never be as wise as I’m am.
How dare you keep the children from me, they belong to me not you, I made them, you either gave me sperm, or you were my capsule, my incubator, those children are here to serve me.
No one is as wise or great as I am, most work to harm me because they are envious that I’m so much better than them, as I know how to play the game. Therefore I do not have to respect you as you’re beneath me.
When I move on to someone new, because you could not meet my needs, I’ll make sure everyone knows it’s all your fault and just how much I did to help you.
I have life worked out I’m smarter than the rest of you. Therefore all your opinions are null and void.
I had to go elsewhere as you’d gone crazy on me and would no longer serve me correctly.
I had to come back, you seemed like a normal person again, I was mistaken, you are still crazy, so I had to leave again.
You are the problem, and I’m perfect. I know my stuff, I’m not to blame for your selfishness.
I am the victim, and others just want to hurt me because they’ll never be me.
You can, and you will recover from this.
With a narcissists inability to care and have empathy towards others; they just can not love on a deep level, they can not truly connect with others.
As they live and think as they do, they have their own perceptions only and don’t see others, so they feel like others are trying to get one over on them, so they must get in their first.
With their inability to reflect on what they might have done wrong once their mind is made you, it is made up.
Narcissistic abuse recovery.
Finding some comfort through pain is another method to help with recovery.
So to try and re-find your self-comforts, or create new ones.
Ask yourself. What my first memory of being comforted was?
Understanding your first memory of feeling comforted, either by a person, food or cuddly toy, whatever it was, you can learn to carry that happy feeling with you throughout your life. A good feeling of being comforted is excellent.
If it’s something you used to comfort yourself during the abuse, then it can become a trigger, so you need to remove that comfort and find a new one.
If you went straight for the ice cream, or the chocolate, alcohol, etc., whenever they made you feel low, it’s time to stop and find another method to comfort you. This doesn’t mean you can no longer eat chocolates or drink booze, just do those when happy, not to comfort yourself.
Instead of doing that old habit of comfort, find a new one, if that’s just taking a walk, putting some music on and having a dance around, things that release endorphins like exercise are not only great for the mind but the body also, start reading books if you don’t already do so, watch a funny movie. Drawing, colouring, writing, playing an instrument, use your imagination to create new pleasures and talents for yourself, new happy comforts, they may even become your new hobbies, your new dream and your new goals.
Keep going until you find the one that works for you.
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