Overcoming Narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw- Life Coach.
Why does the narcissist always seem to return to an ex.
When you think back to the ex, you can probably remember all the narcissist told you about them, if your narcissist moved onto someone new, that’s what they are most likely saying about you. Everything they did to you, they always tell others you did it to them.
It can be a few months or a lot of years, narcissistic seem to at some point return to an ex of theirs that apparently treated the narcissist so terribly.
They may have told you things like, how lazy the ex was. How many times the ex had cheated on them, how the ex controlled them and took all their money. How the ex didn’t take care of the children properly, didn’t look after the home, didn’t work to lazy etc.
You may have met them whilst the narcissist was in a relationship with someone else, giving you all the pity plays of how it’s already over, they just need to leave, They no longer shared a bed, they were only together for the sake of the children, with all the charm you believe them and fall into a relationship with them, waiting for them to leave, and they do, moving straight in with you.
The golden period continues, you’ve met your soul mate and life couldn’t be better, then one day things slowly start to change, you don’t know what going on, then poof they are gone, not only are they gone, you hear they are back with that crazy ex, it can be weeks, months or even years later.
That crazy ex, might have even been around at the start of your relationship, to warn you off, yet the narcissist had Already informed you they would do this, that they just can not let go, that they stalk them.
If you ask them why, you’ll get answers like. “You made me realise how much I truly loved them.” Or “They’ve promised to change, the children deserve an opportunity to see if we can make it work.”
You might have even tried to get them to come back to you, you will probably at some point have been that crazy ex to another that the narcissist went back to.
When they say things like. “ I realised I loved my ex.” What they mean is they remember the ex giving them for emotional response than you, although the narcissist is really enjoying the emotions they are getting, the narcissist will triangulate you both whilst you both allow this with both of you wanting the narcissist and trying to win them back. The narcissist is enjoying filling their human needs and having you both available. Neither of you are winning, the only one winning the game is the narcissist, the one that loses is the one that ends up with the narcissist.
Some narcissist wants to try and let you down gently and kindly, they will not just disappear, that’s because they want to have to both, to triangulate you, so you both work harder to please the narcissist.
When they tell you the crazy ex has promised to change. The actually meant they had promised to change, when the went for the hoover and its worked.
If you’ve been that ex they tried coming back to. As mine did to me, you know exactly what they are like, my narcissist ex saw me as a great challenge, even the day of the birth of the narcissists new child, they were still wanting me to marry them and have another child with them, when I closed the door on that chapter of my life, the narcissist went running back to try and win the other ex over, which they succeeded and quickly moved back in. Then the narcissist carried on with the games of trying to destroy me through out children. As they know our children are my biggest weakness. I had to learn to stop playing the game. Then I moved onto a much happier life.
They’ve pulled every stunt in the narcissists hand book, to seek revenge on my, for not allowing them back, even blaming me to the children as to why they live across the road. “If mummy would let me live with you, I’d come back.” We then went back to the silent treatment and not picking the children up, as of course the other methods didn’t work, the silent treatment that used to hurt so much, I have to say is now my preferred method for them to use against me.
The narcissist stopped responding about seeing the children. Then suddenly asked, he’d also set up mediation, mediation was decided to be unsuitable, all I’ve heard from the narcissist since was one message of how he missed the boys, no how are they, no happy birthday or card on sons birthday.
The boys are now two months no contact with the narcissist, when safeguarding got to big and he’d told our son. “Not to listen to mummy and pour boiling water on her face.” The boys are happy, they are signed off from psychologist and multi agency team, no more irrational anxiety and no longer wanting to die.
Without question, I know full well, the narcissist will be blaming the crazy ex, which is now me, to everybody that will listen, that I’ve stopped contact, I have all messages saved on phone, just in case I ever need evidence, that it’s not me.
The narcissist can set up a contact centre if they wish to do so, as I’ve no problem with boys growing up knowing dad. It just needs to be a safe environment, they haven’t bothered to do so, now the boys have a much more stable, clearer, positive lifestyle.
They may say things like. “We’ve been together so long I really need to give it another go for the family.” All they mean is everytime the narcissist goes back for the hoover the ex falls for it. And the narcissist knows they can keep doing it.
Be honest how many went back? I went back once after the narcissist got caught messaging their best friends wife, they’d best mate and I, set them up, the look on that narcissists face, as they were happily chatting them up, for us to pull up with full beam headlights. Of course the narcissist was caught trying to have an affair. Yet I got messages of. “ you’ve ruined a family, your selfish.” The narcissist best mate in the car park actually mentioned to the narc “ this is just like what you did with my ex.” So the narcissist had done this before. Yes foolishly I took the narcissist back.
If you’ve taken the narcissist back, you’re not alone, they are very good at what they do, there comes a point, where you are “thanks but no thank.” When you realise you choose happiness over the whole, fairytale, then nightmares.
The narcissist will go back to you if you give them a chance, they will go back to anyone who can meet a need they require at that time, that will have them back.
After a few months, you could actually hoover the narcissist, as they’ll be bored with the Person they go back to, for your own mental health and sanity I wouldn’t recommend this course of action. But some have done so.
The reality is the ex was never horrible, they were never abusive, or crazy, just like you wasn’t. In the Narcissists reality they were as they didn’t conform to the narcissist needs, or supply the narcissist with things even the narcissist didn’t know they wanted for themselves. So the narcissist met those needs elsewhere and when you failed to conform they went back to the ex.
While ever you and any of the ex’s allow them to do so the narcissist will continue.
It’s hard at times, especially when ego and pride get in the way. Also the trauma bond and the narcissist fills all your human needs in a negative way. But sometimes you have to think, enough is enough, rise above, let the ex have them, and go and live a dame good life for yourself and your children. Start no contact, or grey rock to break the trauma bond. Then fill your human needs up in positive ways.
Contribution, Focus on your children if you have them, join support groups and help others.
Certainty, create new routines and set boundaries for you and your children.
Uncertainty, try new hobbies, meeting new people.
Growth, learn new thing, join groups, reading.
Love and connection, learn to create and love who you are, connecting and loving yourself, those who are good people you are close to, support groups with those who’ve been through similar, helping them through, connecting and helping each other, this also helps with significance and you feel happier helping others and others helping you.
As we have empathetic traits most of us do fall, for the lies charm and pity plays, often more than once, wanting to help them.
Narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum so not all narcissist go back to their ex’s and some ex’s who’ve worked out what they are, or on the road to being themselves again, will not take the narcissist back, so although we can generalise what the majority of narcissists do, if someone hasn’t triangulated ex’s, that doesn’t mean they are not a narcissist, same as if someone has gone back to an ex, yet doesn’t have all the other traits, they are not a narcissist.
If you’ve been abused, mental or physical, if they are a narcissist or not, you need to get out safely and you need to stay out.