If you still have to speak to the narcissist because of children, or it would mean cutting out genuine family members, perhaps you work with them. Here are nine great phrases to help you disarm them. I do not recommend using these if you live with them as you need to be careful around those who lack empathy, not if court orders are in place as judges only get a small version of the story to which a narcissist will twist in their favour.
1. When they want to pass the blame onto you and come at you with things like. “That’s just like you.” “You’ve done this because you’re bitter.” when they’re projecting with “Why do you have to make everything so difficult.”
Whatever the argumentative word salad they are using to place all blame onto you, the best answer for you to give them is.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Narcissistic people believe they know everything, and they are trying to provoke you to get reactions out of you because they are in the wrong and want you and those around you to believe that you are the one at fault. They want and need you to defend yourself in front of the children, family members, police, work colleagues so they can twist it all around, leaving you all worked up. So you defend yourself and react, they will then play down, or simply not discuss what they did, and exaggerate whatever you did to defend yourself, they will tell their side of the story to anyone that will listen and if they can get you to react in front of others this backs up their lies, as people don’t always listen to what happened first. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” completely throws the narcissist off balance. Yes, narcissists use this to dismiss your feelings. You’re using it to acknowledge theirs while standing in your truth. A narcissist provokes feelings within you to blame then, shame or judge you.
2. When they are gaslighting you with things like “you’re insecure.” Or ” That never happened.” Another is. “I can accept your perception of events, but I’m sticking to my own.” This not only throws the narcissist of balance again, but it also teaches that you’re both allowed your own reality. If the narcissist doesn’t want to understand this, it’s on them, not you. You can not control what others think or say. You can, however, control what you think and say. When you are around friends and family also, this just shows you have one version, and you don’t need to explain it to others, and the narcissist has another version.
3. When they are trying to cause you self doubt with things like. ” you look fat in that.” Or “I wouldn’t wear that if I was you.” Another. “You’re not capable of doing that.” Or “what makes you think that someone like you could achieve that.” To put self-doubt within your own mind and so they can control you and hold you back. You don’t actually need to say anything, just know within your mind, you can achieve anything you want to, so long as you put your mind to it and take action, you are special, you are great, and you are worthy. You are allowed to look like you want, dress how you want, walk as you want, and talk how you want. Genuine people will love you for you, so enjoy yourself first and be who you want to be. If you genuinely want to defend yourself, say, ” I accept you see me differently to how I see myself.” So you are acknowledging to them and letting them know they see things differently, yet you’re letting them know you disagree. Or “ I accept you see the events differently.” When it is gaslighting.
4. When they are trying to break down your boundaries with guilt trips or pity plays, even through triangulation. A narcissist is like a child throwing tantrums In adults body’s, and no one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist not get their own way. One sure-fire way is to act like a toddler, not not throw a tantrum back, the fabulous. “Why?” You can slowly watch them stumble for words trying to make their word salad point. When the pause for an answer, just asks, “why?” So when they tell you, “They don’t like you.” Or “They said this about you.” it’s all your fault.” Or “you’re crazy.” The “I’ll be homeless.” Then ” Because Of you.” Just ask, “Why?.” And hit the repeat button of “Why?” As they love to hit repeat with the story of their lives. Or the “You’re keeping the children away from me.” Then the “You’re damaging the children again just a “Why?” Then stand back and watch them lose themselves in their twisted version of reality. Whatever they reply with repeat “Why?” This way, you don’t get drawn off-topic or into an argument. You must make sure you don’t absorb their toxic words when doing this as they will be blaming you, and honestly know your own mind as they will hurl abuse until they release they’ve run out or hit repeat. They get annoyed that they are not getting reactions from you. With some, I seriously would not recommend doing the “Why? ”
5. When they are full of rage. When they start to lose it, some are dangerous, so make sure you put your safety first. “Your anger is not my responsibility. I can only control my own.”
6. Then, when they fire something back at you. Say things like. “Perhaps you should go to work on that.”
7. Or “I accept that’s how you feel. I don’t feel the same.”
8. Then, “You’re opinions are for you, doesn’t mean I have to agree. Mine is for me.”
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so some narcissistic people are extremely dangerous, so I wouldn’t recommend it if they are. You know what the narcissist in your life is and isn’t capable of.
If at all possible, no response is the best response, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, as is no contact.
If you can do not response, it is the best, yet this feels wrong in front of the children, in front of family members or friends, so sometimes in front of others, so you don’t get into an argument. So you don’t look rude, as people most often don’t know or understand what a narcissist is, just like we once did not, these words are powerful, remember they’re not to make the narcissist see your point of view, they are to a acknowledge the narcissist, let them think for themselves while standing in your truth.
Keep going, you can, and you will recover.
Further information on disarming a narcissist.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.