With a narcissist, the discard is often only temporary. On their part, I often wonder if the term should be disengagement, as unless you take action, such as no contact, a narcissist will usually come back around for the hoover where they want to suck you back into their games, to treat you like dirt, to discard you all over again or the re-idealisation stage, as the narcissist comes back full of that charismatic charm they had in the beginning, be it days, weeks, months or years later unless you block their path with no contact.
Most narcissists are creatures of habit, circling around their patterns of behaviour, never learning from past mistakes to make the changes they need to create for a more fulfilling life, and simply blaming and punishing others for their toxic behaviour. Once you learn these patterns of behaviour, you’ll become a lot wiser to their games. If you’ve still got to be in contact with them because of work or children, you’ll learn with no reaction from you what they might try next to provoke an emotional reaction from you so they feel validated and like they’re important to you.
These are some of the ways a narcissist will try to end a relationship with you. They might vary from narcissist to narcissist.
1. The disappearing act, the silent treatment ending.
Possibly one of their favourites, one minute they are there, the next they vanish, like vampires when the sun comes up. Narcissists do this for lots of reasons. If they suffered a narcissistic injury such as not getting what they wanted from you, seeking to punish you for daring to say no to them, or they feel entitled to someone new. One minute you’re in a relationship, and the next poof, they are gone. You might not have been going through any difficulties at that time, yet they’ve gone. Out of concern, you might have sent countless messages and constantly called them, got in touch with friends and family, yet you just can not get hold of them. A Narcissist will use those messages and calls to tell everyone just how obsessed you are with them. It makes the narcissist feel important and special. Then you learn they’ve been spotted with someone else. It’s not because they couldn’t tell you in person. They just want the new person, they’re enjoying the attention of your attempts to get in touch with them, and the new supply is working hard to please them, as the narcissist will be treating the new supply so well while claiming you just won’t let them go. By the narcissist not telling you, it can make you feel anger, frustration, hurt, confusion, resentment, and so many more. When we’re coming from an emotional state, it makes it easier for the narcissist to gain that negative reaction from us that they will use in their smear campaign against us.
2. They might give you the one that leaves the door open for them to return.
Where the narcissist leaves you hurt and confused and changing who you are so, they can come back. They’ll say things like. “I need some space.” “ I don’t know what I want at the moment.” It makes them seem like they need help and are troubled, drawing out your sympathy. It leaves you confused. You don’t move on as you have hope that once you give them time and space, they will come back and that any of their negative behaviour towards you was because they’re struggling, not because they’re toxic and exploitative.
3. The one where they give you flattery.
When the narcissist claims, “you’ve been too good to me. I can not handle it, and I need some space.” “ you’ve treated me better than most, and I need some space to work things out.” “ you’re amazing in so many ways, I love you, but I’m not sure I’m In love with you.” This leaves you with self-doubt, yet, you believe they are a genuine person. You don’t move on as you think they care. This method again leaves you with the hope they’ll return, making the hoover far easier for the narcissist.
4. When they tell you they’re not good enough for you.
The narcissist might tell you. “I’m not good enough for you.” Or “ this isn’t working; you should end it.” “ I think this relationship has taken its course, and I don’t treat you right. We should end this.” This is as fake and as manipulative as anything else the narcissist ever does, and this is to get you scared the relationship is over, so you work harder in all that you do to keep them happy. This method leaves you blaming yourself, looking past their abusive behaviour, upset and concerned, so they have greater control. If you do end it, they have someone waiting.
5. They may tell you it’s over and be extremely cruel about why to destroy your confidence.
Usually, things like. “You’ve put weight on. You don’t look after me.” “You don’t put any effort into the relationship anymore.” “ I do everything for you, and you do nothing for me.” “ You dress horribly.” “ You are a mess.” None of which is true. It’s just to make you feel upset, angry and hurt. So your confidence is undermined.
You were never the problem, you are worthy, it’s the narcissist’s internal dialogue, they’ve been that way a long time, they need to bring others down, to feel better about themselves, you can not help them, if they have a disorder, the narcissistic personality disorder, you did not cause it, you can not change it, and you can not control it. You can, however, help you get to safety if they don’t have the disorder yet mistreat you. Abuse is abuse, no excuse.
After the end, if you start to make changes for yourself, they’ll believe it’s all for them, all to win them back and come in for the hoover. If you turn them down, they’ll sulk that “You’ve changed.” And blame you for everything that went wrong, as narcissists don’t take responsibility. They shame, blame and move on to someone who’s unaware of their toxic behaviour.
If they have discarded you, it can be devastating. Learning about the patterns of narcissistic behaviour helps give you closure and the answers to your whys. Also, working on you and creating a new happy life for you at the same time. You can, and you will.
The narcissists discard.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
The trauma bond.
The stages they take partners through.
No contact, grey rock.
How can you tell if a person is a narcissist, without a clinical diagnosis?? How can you tell if your child is one?? How can you help them??
Hello, unfortunately, most will play the game and are extremely difficult to diagnose even if you can get them there. If they lack empathy, manipulate, lie, are abusive, narcissistic or not it’s a case of safely getting away from them. Unfortunately, no psychologist had found a way to help them. Research suggests even those who get counselling only do so to meet a need, once met they revert back to their old way as they don’t believe they have a problem.
As for children, most toddlers act narcissistic, it is normal, same as some teenagers, again mostly normal and a part of growing up. All you can do is teach them to put themselves in another shoes and how would they feel etc, fill them with positivity and teach empathy.
I have recently gone no contact with my ex friend and neighbour. Today I returned an item she dumped on me to store for her, I put her keys through her door with a note, it wasn’t easy, I filmed putting the keys back, and photographed the returned item in her garden (as she may try to say I hadn’t) I have had a positive Occupational Health appointment today, to help me return to work, I will be referred to a psychiatrist who can diagnose and help me with my Complex PTSD – with the help of Elizabeth Shaw I am moving forward, I feel better and hope to return to work in a couple of weeks. When someone is able to get into your head, your heart, and inflict so much damage you wonder if you will ever recover. It hurts even more when it was your own mother, the person who is supposed to be there for you unconditionally. The neighbour used all of my past Narc damage and pain to try and disable and disarm me, I was suicidal yet still she seemed to enjoy it, watching her victim flailing about, like a vulture she hovered for the kill….. but thanks to ES I came to my senses… and I am here to prove that she, nor any of the other Narcs I have had to encounter in my life have succeeded. I feel like my life is starting all over again, now I set boundaries, now I know I deserve more and now I know I will never suffer this horrific abuse again… Thank you for reading