Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
With a narcissist, the discard is often only temporary, and on their part, I often wonder if the term should be disengagement, as unless you take action, they’ll usually come back around for the hoover, or the re-idolisation stage, be it, days. Weeks, months or years later, unless you block their path.
Most narcissists are creatures of habit, circling around their patterns of behaviour, never learning from past mistakes to make the changes they need to create a more fulfilling life, once you learn these patterns of behaviour, you’ll become a lot wiser to their games, if you’ve still got to be in contact with them, because of work, or children, you’ll learn with no reaction from you, what they might try next.
These are some of the ways they will end a relationship with you. They may vary from ex to ex, or you may have experienced a few.
1. The disappearing act, the silent treatment ending.
Possibly one of their favourites, one minute they are there the next they vanish, like vampires when the sun comes up, for lots of reasons, you’re in a relationship then poof they are gone. You might not have been going through any difficulties at that time, yet they’ve gone, you might have sent countless messages and called loads, got in touch with friends and family, yet you just can not get hold of them. Then you learn they’ve been spotted with someone else. It’s not because they couldn’t tell you in person, they just want the new person, they’re enjoying your desperate attempt to get in touch with them. By not telling you they want to make you feel, anger, annoyed, hurt, confused, resentment, and so many more.
2. They might give you the one that leaves the door open for them to come back, leaving you hurt and confused and changing so they come back, they’ll say things like. “I need some space.” “ I don’t know what I want at the moment.” It makes them seem like they need help and are troubled, so draws out your sympathy. Leaves you confused, you don’t move on as you have hope they will come back.
3. The one where they give you flattery. “you’ve been to good to me. I can not handle it, and I need some space.” “ you’ve treated me better than most, and I need some space to work things out.” “ you’re amazing in so many ways, I love you, but I’m not sure I’m In love with you.” This leaves you with self-doubt yet, you believe they are a good person, you don’t move on as you think they care, this method again leaves you with hope, they’ll return, making the hoover far easier for the narcissist.
4. They might tell you. “I’m not good enough for you.” Or “ this isn’t working; you should end it.” “ I think this relationship has taken its course, and I don’t treat you right, we should end this.” This is as false as anything else the narcissist ever does, and this is to get you scared the relationship is over, so you work harder. In all that you do to keep them happy. This method Leaves you, blaming yourself, looking past their abusive behaviour, upset and concerned, so they have greater control, if you do end it, they have someone waiting.
5. They may tell you it’s over and why. Usually things like. “You’ve put weight on, and you repulse me.” “You don’t put any effort into the relationship anymore.” “ I do everything for you, and you do nothing for me.” “ You dress horribly.” “ You are a mess.” None of which is true.
It’s just to make you feel upset, angry and hurt.
So your confidence is undermined.
You were never the problem, you are worthy, they are so damaged on the inside they have to bring others down, you can not help them, they have a disorder, the narcissistic personality disorder, you did not cause it, you can not change it, and you can not control it. You can, however, help you.
After the end, if you start to make changes for yourself, they’ll believe it’s for them feel powerful and come in for the hoover.
If they have discarded you, it can be devastating, learning about the disorder, helps give you closure and the answers to your whys? Also working on you and creating a new happy life for you at the same time. You can, and you will.
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The trauma bond.
The stages they take partners through.
No contact, grey rock.