Getting over the ex.
You might be finding it really hard to get over the narcissist. It could be the trauma bonding, so creating distance will help.
When you have your heart telling you, I miss them, I love them, and I need them.
Then your head telling you, they are bad for you, they abused you.
It’s difficult to move on, as your head and heart pull you from one to the other.
So write down all your false beliefs, for example.
“They are treating the new person better because the new person is better than me.”
“If I had tried more.”
“It was all my fault.”
“I’ll never find anyone again.”
Please remember three things.
You did not cause it. They have a disorder, and it’s who they are.
You can not change it. They have a disorder it’s who they are.
You can not control it. They have a disorder it’s who they are, you can, however, change your situation, changes your circumstances, change how you respond, you are only ever one change away from a different kind of life.
The three R’s Retreat, Rethink and only Respond once if you need to do so.
Whatever it is that’s coming from your heart. Write it down. Then remember this is your emotions talking, you may start to think of ways to get this person back if you have gone back before you know it circles around to the end again. They may come for the hoover, and you take them back again. This is because you have taken all of the blame. The only thing you can salvage from a relationship with a narcissist is wisdom for yourself.
Ask yourself if anyone blamed you for everything in your childhood, or previous relationships, as this can help you realise the pattern if there is one, of why you take them to blame. Ask your self. “Who is my life has blamed me for things going wrong?” From friends, family, parents to the ex-narcissist.
Then ask yourself. “What do I gain from protecting my abusive ex and blaming myself?”
You could be blaming yourself out of pattern from a long history of being accused, in the past from others, or it could only be from the relationship with the narcissist being manipulated and blamed by them within that toxic relationship.
This one can be difficult, but in order to move on, you need to work out what the benefit is to you, by blaming yourself and protecting your ex. Write them down. What you think, examples are.
“ I loved how they treated me in the start, and I want that back.”
“If I’d have been a better person, they wouldn’t have done that to me.”
“I ruined the relationship and made them treat me that way.”
A lot of us feel these things to start, it’s normal and comes from a long period of time, in which the narcissist blame shifted everything onto us, over and over again, so much so that it reprogrammed our mindset.
If this thought creeps in tell yourself.
“They are a narcissist, and the start is all an act, that person is not the whole person, they have a whole different side to them.”
“It was them who blamed me, and I am not to blame, they projected the blame onto me.”
“They ruined the relationship, because they were abusive, no matter what is said or done, nobody deserves to be treated how the narcissist, treated me.”
Now that first list you made, write down, facts next to each one. Put the true statement from your mind.
I tried my best, and I changed who I was at every crossroad in the relationship to be a better person for them. To lose who I indeed was for them, as they didn’t really love the true me.
It was not my fault, and they have a history of failed abusive relationships.
They only treat people well at the start, to seal the deal.
I will learn to love and be happy within myself, know my values and standards, so when I meet someone. I will not allow them to cross these.
They used, gaslighting, silent treatment, financial control, blame-shifting, to control me.
They will not change for anyone.
It’s time to break free and be happy for me.
Whenever you find yourself, missing them, read these facts.
It’s challenging to recover from narcissistic abuse, and it’s time to stop focusing on the good parts and remember who they indeed are. You need to repeatedly tell yourself the harsh reality and truth, of what actually happened to you in the relationship.
Now is the time to start working on leaving the toxic relationship in the past and start working on you in your present to create a much more joyful future. You can, and you will.
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All about the narcissist Online course.
The narcissists counter-parenting.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Video on trauma bonding.