Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Narcissists and money.
Financial abuse is one of the most powerful ways to keep someone trapped within any kind of relationship, 98% of abusive relationships have financial abuse, especially when children are involved.
The narcissist will often impact your finances in various ways.
A narcissist is dishonest, they are a con artist, who sell you a dream to deliver you a living nightmare, they start with all their lies about money, you may not even know the truth of how much, or how little money the narcissist actually had.
They are always looking for a replacement for love, their best replacement for them is money, they think if they have money, and even if they don’t have money, they believe they have the right to spend all the money theirs or not, they may gamble, they may use drugs, they may compulsively shop. Some people do love to shop, and if they are not pathological about it, they are not always a narcissist.
Narcissists are the masters of manipulation, from gaslighting to the silent treatment, when it comes to abuse, nothing is exempt, including your money, and their money. They exploit anything and everything to gain and keep control.
Financial abuse chips away at you, you doubt yourself, your stability and your doubt your financial abilities to take care of yourself and your children.
Some of the ways a narcissist can abuse you through finances.
First they lie, then they threaten, then they leave you without money to take care of your basic needs. They may say things like. “ I need petrol in my car to get to work, so I can not give you money for food this week.
They will put the family in debt, as they believe they are entitled to anything and everything.
You may have the tight ward narcissist, that’ll not buy their children or even themselves clothes, some people are cheap, if they are pathological about it that’s not ok. These will often not see why they have to pay maintenance for their children.
Some narcissist can be generous, to establish themselves of how important and wealthy they are. If they buy you gifts, they will expect something in return. Those will sometimes pay maintenance for children after the breakup. The admiration face to show others how good they are when, in reality, it’s just to manipulate those around them.
Some will stop you having access to money, so you are dependant on them.
They will not want you buying cars in your own name if it’s cash, they will want it in their name, your money or not. Or if it’s on credit, they will want it in your name.
They may take credit cards out in your name without you even knowing and max them out.
They may borrow money, then gaslight you when it comes to paying you back.
They like to control others through money, and they might take your name off bank accounts or try to get you to sign your house over to them.
They may not be in employment, so depending on your money, they might actually say. “I don’t see why I need to get a job.”
The narcissist wants the best of everything, so they will happily spend their money and yours on themselves, getting themselves the best of everything, yet when it comes to you and your wants they are not interested. Most people like new things, so if they’ve not got any other signs, they will not be a narcissist.
The use manipulative threats over money, so if you let them know you are leaving. You may hear. “ you’ll not afford to be able to take care of the children so I’ll have to take custody.”
If you call them out on threats, they will say “ I didn’t say that.”
If they promise you a nice hotel, for weeks, then don’t deliver because they’ve spent money elsewhere, you’ll get the “I didn’t promise that.”
So they gaslight do you with money.
They will lie about how much money they make, those with little money, they will spend too much on the best car they can, to look like they have money. Don’t get me wrong some, people just want a nice car, and if they don’t have other traits, just because someone wants a nice car, they are not a narcissist.
They will sabotage, when you’re trying to regain control of your finance, they might create situations so you can not work. Or if you do work, they may want that money.
They might not let you have any access to any bank accounts, and some even take your name off without you knowing.
They stop some people from doing any sort of studying, as they don’t want others doing better than them, or having financial stability within your own rights.
You might have been forced to skip paying bills, as they will not supply you the money, or they might say they’ll take care off all bills, they will not and hide all letters, the first you know, you’ll be in a substantial amount of debt.
Some narcissists can and will steal from you directly, either taking your things saying “you must have misplaced it.” Taking money out of your purse/wallet or bank without your knowledge.
Some narcissists will advise you to give up work as they want to take care of you, then as soon as you do, those financial resources from them will become less and less, if you ask for money, they’ll often come at you with phrases of. “You have enough.” Or “what more do you want.” Then the. “I gave you some last week you don’t need anymore.” They will gaslight, or make you feel guilty.
The narcissist doesn’t trust others, because they are very so convincing in the lies they tell and because we think like healthy people we often don’t see financial abuse, while it’s happening to us.
If you’re still with the narcissist and looking to leave, or if you’ve left, they might still have control of the finances, or you might be left with debt. So you need to protect your accounts, make sure you set new accounts up in your name only, so they can not get access.
Remember, recovery is all about the baby steps, so celebrate each achievement no matter how small.
Get all your documents, from birth certificates to passports, stash any spare money you can. Create a budget, no matter how hard. Change passwords and PIN numbers. Don’t feel bad asking for help.
Others have broken free from the narcissist and succeeded, so can you.
Believe you deserve better. Because you do.
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