Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
Narcissist and money,
Some of the ways a narcissist abuse you with finances, if you are still with them, help with getting out.
Financial abuse is one of the most powerful ways to keep someone trapped, 98% of abusive relationships have financial abuse, especially when children are involved.
Your finances will be impacted by the narcissist, in various ways,
Narcissist is dishonest, they start off with all the lies, you may not even know how much, or how little money the narcissist has.
They are always looking for a replacement for love, their best replacement for them is money, they think they have money, even if they don’t, they believe they have the right to spend all the money theirs or not, they may gamble, they may use drugs, they may compulsively shop.
The narcissist is the masters of manipulation, from gaslighting to the silent treatment, when it comes to abuse, nothing is exempt, including your money, and their money. They exploit anything and everything to gain and keep control.
First, they lie, then they threaten, then they leave you without money to take care of your basic needs. They may say things like. “ I need petrol in my car to get to work, so I can not give you money for food this week.
They will put the family in debt, as they believe they are entitled to anything and everything.
You may have the tight ward narcissist, that’ll not buy their children or even themselves clothes, some people are cheap, if they are pathological about it that’s not ok. These will often not see why they have to pay maintenance for their children.
Some narcissist can be generous, to establish themselves of how important and wealthy they are. If they buy you gifts, they will expect something in return. Those will sometimes pay maintenance for children after the breakup.
Some will stop you having access to money, so your dependant on them.
They’ll not want you buying cars in your own name.
They may take credit cards out in your name and max them out.
They may borrow money, then gaslight you when it comes to paying you back.
They like to control others through money, they might take your name off bank accounts or try to get you to sign your house over to them. With my ex, I had to go back to work the day after having our child, to pay the bills, with no help with the baby and being with what I didn’t know then was a narcissist, tired, stressed and hormonal, my ex-narc tried to get me diagnosed with PND. It wasn’t until we got home, that the narc asked me to sign the house over to them, didn’t do any of the things that the doctor recommended, like helping out with the baby. That I stood my ground and kept my name on the home, I got the silent treatment for this as “well if you’ll not accept my help, no point giving you any.”
They may not be in employment, so depending on your money, they might actually say. “I don’t see why I need to get a job.”
My ex-narcissist would often have weeks of, the use this as a further excuse not to pay the bills.
One of their best, which I think they truly believed, as they were one of 7 in the home. The children ranging from birth to 16. So they explained how they only needed to pay 1/7 of the bills. That they wouldn’t pay that 1/7 th either. If I asked it would be “ I gave you money last week can you not remember.”
I asked for some money they owed me once in a chip shop because I had none to buy the kid’s chips. “ they threw the money on the floor stomped off and didn’t speak to me for a week. The only explanation. “ that was my money, you were in the wrong to ask. “
The narcissist wants the best of everything, so they will happily spend their money and yours on themselves, getting themselves the best of everything, yet when it comes to you and your wants they are not interested. Most people like new things so if they’ve not got any other signs, they will not be a narcissist.
The use manipulative threats over money, so if you let them know you are leaving. You may hear. “ you’ll not afford to be able to take care of the children so I’ll have to take custody.”
If you call them out on threats they will say “ I didn’t say that.”
If they promise you a nice hotel, for weeks, then don’t deliver because they’ve spent money elsewhere, you’ll get the “I didn’t promise that.”
Financial abuse chips away at you, you doubt yourself, your stability and your doubt your financial abilities to take care of yourself and your children.
So they gaslight you with money.
They will lie about how much money they make, they will spend too much on the best car they can, to look like they have money. Don’t get me wrong some people just want a nice car, if they don’t have other traits, just because someone wants a nice car, they are not a narcissist.
They will sabotage, when you’re trying to regain control of your finance, they might create situations so you can not work. Or if you do work they may want that money.
Give you no access to bank accounts
You are not allowed to do any sort of study.
Forced to skip paying bills,
The narcissist steals from you,
The narcissist doesn’t trust others because they are very conniving, because we think like normal people we don’t see it.
If you’re still with the narcissist and looking to leave, or if you’ve left, they might still have control of the finances, or you might be left with debt. So you need to protect your accounts, make sure you set new accounts up in your name only, so they can not get access.
Remember, recovery is all about the baby steps, so celebrate each achievement no matter how small.
Get all your documents, from birth certificates to passports, stash any spare money you can. Create a budget no matter how hard. Change passwords and PIN numbers. Don’t feel Bad asking for help.
Others have broken free from the narcissist and succeeded, so can you.
Believe you deserve better. Because you do.