Dry-Begging is a psychological, emotional manipulation method a narcissist will use as a covert means to get what they want from you while not directly asking for it from you. Instead, they drop subtle hints. Their words hide their true intentions, often so when you give them something, it seems like it was your choice, and when you ask for it back, a narcissist can claim, “well, I never asked you.” Dry-begging is to indirectly ask, to subtly imply, making a suggestion that often appeals to one of your emotions.
Dry-begging is a manipulation technique a narcissist will use to get you to feel sorry for them, empathise with them, want to help and support them also to get you to feel ashamed, guilty, privileged or remorseful. To get you to provide them with something without them having to lower their ego by directly asking you, so not only do you give them what they want, you believe it was your idea, and the narcissist uses that against you. So a narcissist will say, “I’m short on rent, I loaned my friend money, and they haven’t paid me back.” so you feel bad, offer the money. They don’t pay you back, which is also a form of triangulation as you take a disliking to the friend who, more often than not, didn’t borrow any money. They are actually owed money from the narcissist.
As a narcissist requires excessive attention and believes they’re special, they’ll drop subtle hints that they deserve some praise or recognition. They’ll resent doing something for you, then have to come and tell you in great detail what they’ve done for you, which is, more often than not, something you usually do for them, so they’ve done it for themselves. They believe they’re entitled to that special attention. Hence, they want admiration and praise. If you don’t drop everything to show them your appreciation, they could say, “Nobody ever thanks me.” As they’re hinting for the thanks, when you say thank you, they’ll claim, “You don’t mean that.” Tell them you do.” They’ll accuse you of lying.” Narcissists set the reality to gaslight yours. The narcissist’s covert method to get the attention they’re craving from you. A narcissist will have you running around after them and then complain that no one appreciates them, “No one appreciates me.” Thus, you feel obligated to show them your appreciation, they can ask you to do something, such as miss the gym to spend time with them, even though they know how important the routine is to your mental health, and the narcissist will say, “you never want to spend time with me.” Implying you don’t care, leading you to feelings of guilt, changing your plans to appease them, then feeling resentful as you’re no longer able to do the things you enjoy, bring up your feelings, and a narcissist will claim you’re arguing, being selfish, awkward, as they’re looking to avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour while shaming and blaming you, as they lack the empathy to care for you.
A Narcissist will ask for something in an indirect roundabout kind of way. If the narcissist knows you’ve got some finances available, when the narcissist knows you’ve been saving to treat the children or grandchildren, treat yourself, as the narcissist feels envious of this and entitled to have something from you, therefore they’ll look to manipulate your emotions, when they see a nice shiny new running outfit, or bike helmet, that they want and say, “oh I wish I could have.” As they lower their head and look at you with their eyes full of pity and claim, “but I haven’t got any money at the moment.” thus getting you to feel bad and purchase something for them. Then when you offer, they snap your hand off, or if you don’t, they’ll further exploit your emotions with, “It’s nice for you to treat yourself. It must be nice to be able to afford it.” As they continue to play the victim. Those “Don’t worry about me, I know you promised the kids, I know I’m not important.” Thus you feel sorry for them, like you’re being selfish. Therefore you end up going beyond your financial means to support them.
When it comes to your vehicle, they can ask to use your vehicle in an indirect way and insulting way. The narcissists might have a nice brand-new car to show off to the outside world. However, they don’t want to pay to use it. They want to go somewhere but don’t want to use their own. The narcissist might say, “oh, if only someone would give me a lift as you do for them.” Thus you feel like you should give them a lift, or “It’s an awful area. I don’t want to risk parking my car there. That area has more your style car, so yours wouldn’t get stolen or damaged.” So they indirectly ask to borrow your car while indirectly insulting your choice or affordability of vehicle. If the narcissist has a long journey, they might imply they want yours with those. “Must be nice having your car. Far cheaper to run than mine.” Then go on about their financial responsibilities and how much it’s going to cost in their car, yet refuse to purchase a cheaper car. More often than not, you’ll get guilt-tripped into loaning them your car, and have to cover the fuel cost for them to, as a thank you for them putting up with you. A Narcissist is looking to get you to offer them your vehicle without them having to ask for it. They’ll keep chipping away at you, so it feels easier to say yes than no. Then when that resentment builds within you, and you snap back at them, they turn into the victim, “you offered.” Or “I thought you cared.” And if you don’t loan it, then they’ll tell you how selfish and ungrateful you are. Yet, don’t ever expect to borrow their stuff, as to a narcissist, what’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is their own.
Narcissists are usually extremely secretive and often hide all their letters. However, when they feel you should chip in on a bill, instead of asking, they can leave it lying around where you sit, where you get ready. If you put it away, they’ll get it back out and pop it on your side of the bed, ask them, and they’ll claim. “How did that get there? Have you been through my things?” Then you don’t want to be a financial burden to them because you can see what they pay, often going beyond your means to pay more than your fair share, while the narcissist still believes they do everything for you, and you do nothing for them.
When you’ve arranged to go out, as narcissists often fear abandonment, why they seek to isolate you. So if they’ve not isolated you, and you’ve arranged to go out. A narcissist can just say. “What am I supposed to do.” In a self-pitying manner, thus you feel sorry for them, or they pity play with you. “It would be nice to be invited to these things sometimes.” And the whole reason you don’t invite them is because they criticise and mock the activity you’re going to, talk badly of those you’re going with, sabotage, so you run late. Thus you’re flustered before the event. A Narcissist will provoke an argument before an event, causing those feelings of anger. When you arrive all miserable, the narcissist turns up with their charismatic charm to those they talk so poorly about behind their backs and start talking poorly of you to them, claiming you’ve got issues. Or the narcissist has said prior. “I don’t know why anybody would want to go there.” When you were telling them you were thinking of going and asked if they wanted to go, so you told them you’re happy to go without them, then when you go, the narcissist will claim. “Nobody tells me anything.” “I’m always the last to know.” “Must be nice to be invited.” The narcissist is dry-begging you to ask them. Then when you do ask them, they’ll continue with their victim plays, “are you sure? Do you really want me to come? So long as you don’t mind.” While they’re driving you out of your mind. The narcissist is looking to gain that attention from you and feel special while making you feel bad. Or they’ll try to get back out of it with. “I’ll only be In the way. I know when I’m not wanted.”
Narcissists go all out to covertly get that praise, attention, time, resources, finances, and energy that they believe they’re entitled to from you without actually asking for it by going around the houses, to manipulate you, to indirectly get their needs met by you. Almost like asking you is beneath them, yet if you ask them directly or indirectly for anything. They’ll make you feel like you’re asking too much from them.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.