The narcissist’s negative verbal abuse is the narcissist’s way of being defensive. By finding the negative so they can control the narrative, a narcissist wants to manipulate others through their tone of voice to what they speak in order to control others.
The overt narcissist can openly show this more than a covert. However, an overt will still use covert ways, both can say “Perhaps you shouldn’t do that.” they might state what seems like valid reasons of why you shouldn’t, or they might guilt trip with those “if you go for that job who will look after the children? they need you.” or they might straight out tell you. “You’ll never see the kids. Do you think that’s fair?”
Why are narcissists so negative?
The narcissist’s envy. Misery likes company. When a narcissist isn’t happy ain’t no one going to be happy. When a narcissist is envious of another’s looks, career, family, home, car, personality, they seek to find the negative to pull the person down that they are envious of to feel better about themselves, to create their feelings of superiority a narcissist will go all out to make others feel inferior, so they can feel superior.
The narcissist is not feeling in control. When a narcissist feels like they’re losing control, they seek to regain control by crushing another’s beliefs, values, hobbies, and identity so the narcissist can feel better about their own.
The narcissist’s sabotage. To protect their ego, a narcissist will sabotage others so they can remain in control as well as stopping others from succeeding in something the narcissist doesn’t want them to, “what do you want to do that for.” to place self-doubt in those around them so the narcissist can remain in control.
To feel better about themselves, a narcissist seeks to talk badly of others, to invalidate others, to put others down, and make others feel insecure, so the narcissist can feel better about who they are.
How narcissists create negativity.
1. The narcissist’s judgment. Narcissists can be extremely judgmental of others, making an excessive amount of opinions about others without any evidence, so they can see two neighbours talking. Because one waves their arms around, the narcissist will call others over to look at their neighbours ‘arguing’ who are just having a regular conversation, but a narcissist wants to twist the narrative. Someone might purchase a new car, and the narcissist could say. “What would they want one of those for? Someone must have come into money. What a horrible colour.”
2. The narcissist’s gossip. Many people can fall into the gossip trap, especially when around those who love to gossip. A narcissist will happily start a rumour about someone they’re envious of, then stand back and watch peoples reactions, they will discuss others personal matters that might not even be true, or they’ll threaten to disclose private information that you told the narcissist in the strictest of confidence to get you to do something you wouldn’t usually do, emotional blackmail.
3. The narcissist’s criticism. Narcissists can be extremely critical of others to make themselves feel worthy. A narcissist will happily invalidate another’s idea, and then, later on, they’ll come up with the idea and claim it as their own. A Narcissist will pass judgement. They’ll be disapproving of another’s thoughts, feelings and opinions, finding fault in others’ abilities, hobbies, character, beliefs, values etc.
4. The narcissist’s smear campaign. The narcissists smear campaigns when they fear they’re losing control over you; a narcissist will try to control what others think of you, as a narcissist will also try to control how you see others. They will tell outright lies and half-truths to call into question or to damage another’s reputation. Hence, people blame the innocent party who is being smeared and support the narcissist who is smearing others.
5. The Narcissist’s invalidation.
Invalidation happens to anyone who’s in any form of relationship with a narcissist, friends to family, partners to bosses.
Invalidation is when your thoughts, feelings, opinions, weight, shape, Jobs, hobbies, dreams, and relationships. It can be as severe as everything about who you are and what you do is rejected, ignored, criticised and judged by the narcissist.
Invalidation is another form of the narcissist’s manipulation to take control of us as we slowly fawn at their demands through their invalidation of us. Narcissists use invalidation to put us down so we don’t achieve, and they can feel superior.
6. The narcissist’s projection. A narcissist’s projection is a mix of their manipulative Gaslighting and their manipulative Blame-shifting. As they go all out, distracting you from the truth, as they do their best to cover the truth with their distorted lies, as they hide the truth of their toxic, hurtful, negative behaviour from you. At the same time, they get you to doubt and blame yourself and take on the responsibility for the narcissist’s actions, they get you to defend yourself to them for how you think or feel due to their hurtful ways, so they escape accountability, so they remain in control, and so they get away with their actions time and time again, while slowly sinking you further under their trance.
7. The narcissist’s dismissiveness. A narcissist will dismiss your feelings, experience and opinions, so you doubt yourself, and the narcissist feels validated that their feelings, experience, knowledge and opinions are better than yours,
8. A Narcissist will yell or talk over you. To silence you, a narcissist will happily use their volume or tone of voice to place fear within you. With a narcissist, it’s a case of. They will speak over you and turn it into something you did or did not do. When they can not argue against it, they will completely twist everything around, and they have to have the last word. Even by using the silent treatment until you give in and chase them to apologise to them.
9. The narcissist’s intimidation. Narcissists’ intimidation is used to threaten or frighten those around them so that the narcissist can remain in control. Narcissists can intimidate in obvious overt ways or those subtle, covert ways. Narcissists intimidate to persuade those around them into doing something they don’t want to do, believing in something that’s not true, fawning at the narcissist’s behaviour to avoid conflict or drama, appeasing the narcissist to avoid any arguments, to avoid pain.
The threats can be the double bind, where you receive mixed messages, where no matter what you choose, it’ll be a lose-lose for you and a win-win for the narcissist.
10. The narcissist’s mocking. A narcissist will Cruelly make fun of you or those around you. The narcissist can use a dismissive tone, or a condescending attitude. A narcissist can patronise you, where they are seemingly helping you but doing it in a manner where the narcissist feels superior. They can joke with others at your expense or set others up to joke at others’ expense. They can have their say, then smugly walk away humming or singing away to themselves, which frustrates you.
What can you do?
- No contact is always the best approach, if not limited contract and grey rock.
- Remind yourself not to go for closure to those who enjoy opening up your wounds, to stop trying to point out the good to those who want to show you their bad.
- Retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, such as co-parenting, court orders.
- State your points and leave them to it stand in your truth.
- Don’t continue the conversation if they’re trying to bring you down, don’t go with them.
- Don’t defend yourself against their negativity, gaslighting or projection. Remember what they say about you, what they say about those around you, those who don’t do as the narcissist says, says more about their character than it ever will yours.
- Remember, they like playing underhand games that they set up to win. More often than not, a narcissist is playing games to anger you, frustrate you, punish you, control you, to get you going, and once they’ve got you going, they feel smug, they feel happy, they’ll take a step back and blame you, learn to step away from their games.
- You do not win with the narcissist by playing their games the more you play, the more they think game on, the way you beat a narcissist is by stepping away from the narcissist and no longer giving them the attention or the feeding them the attention that they believe they’re entitled to.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.