Getting out of any toxic relationship isn’t easy. However, when you’re dealing with a narcissist, if you have children with a narcissist, they will go all out to use those children as a means to get at you, control you, and punish you for daring to leave them.
Narcissists do not co-parent. They counter-parent. They do not care for the psychological damage they cause to their children, as they will blame it on you.
Narcissists will influence the children into having different values and beliefs from the healthy parent. They will instil fear in their children to condition them to do as the narcissist pleases and turn against the healthy parent.
If you like a routine, a narcissist will go all out to disrupt and ruin a healthy routine. If you’re keen on education, a narcissist will go all out to turn the child against education. If you like a sport, a narcissist will go all out to talk negatively about that sport to the children.
When it comes to a child’s medical welfare, a narcissist can deny all knowledge of a child needing help and support or blame the healthy parent for the child’s anxieties or medical problems. The narcissist can sabotage appointments, and withhold consent for the child’s medical welfare.
A narcissist can try to stop you from taking the children away and prevent you from treating the children.
By withholding consent for medical care or holidays, it can force your hand into spending thousands through the court system to gain permission and repeatedly having to take the narcissist back to court as a narcissist doesn’t believe rules apply to them, so they will continue to breach the order.
A narcissist will withhold financial support for their children, often justifying by playing the victim, to avoid being held accountable for not taking responsibility for their children.
A narcissist might not have the children on their designated time, turn up late or be a no-show to sabotage your work commitments. They’ll go all out to make sure you lose your job. You’re security.
A narcissist will do all they can to financially bankrupt you.
A narcissist will talk badly about the healthy parent to the children. They’ll claim, “I’d let you but mummy or daddy won’t.” they’ll discuss plans directly with their children that a responsible parent would find unsuitable, or they promise to have the children to the children on court-ordered time that is the healthy parents time, they’ll promise to take the children somewhere to the children on the other parents time, and then tell the children that their other parent will not let them.
A narcissist will promise to buy their child something, and when they fail to deliver, often claiming they can not afford it due to all the money they’re paying to the other parent that they’re not actually paying or the other parent not paying enough money to them.
A narcissist will tell the children that mummy and daddy would still be together if it weren’t for the other parent. They’ll tell their child that “mummy/daddy doesn’t care about them.”
The narcissist will make false allegations to the court of parental alienation to gain custody, the narcissist will not have children on designated days, yet will blame the other parent to the children and to the courts
Narcissists will regularly break arrangements and then blame the other parent.
As a narcissist is all about themselves, they will neglect their children in many ways, from failing to feed them at appropriate times to not seeking medical attention when needed, not turning up for the children when they promised to do so, neglecting their children’s, physical and emotional needs.
They might allow the children to do things that aren’t age-appropriate, and take them places they shouldn’t be. A drug user will take their children to meet their drug dealer, placing their child in danger while also causing unnecessary stress to the healthy parent.
They will use violence or threats to condition their children into being too afraid to speak out.
Dropping children late to panic the healthy parent disrupt bedtime routines etc.,
A narcissist will drag out court proceedings and fail to stick with parenting plans, repeatedly making you take them to a court or continually taking you. Either way, the narcissist will blame the healthy parent.
Narcissists use the court system to drain financially. To gain further control over the healthy parent, the narcissist will threaten court proceedings and use the court system to harass and coerce the healthy parent.
As narcissists are often entitled enough to believe they are above the law, they will repeatedly break orders. Yet, as they are incredibly hypocritical, they expect the healthy parent to stick to them, as they will make false allegations against the healthy parent.
A narcissist is most capable of putting tracking devices on children’s tablets or phones, they will demand to know the children’s whereabouts, yet they’ll not be willing to share the children’s whereabouts when they have the children.
The narcissist will use the child as an excuse to harass the healthy parent with unnecessary and overwhelming amounts of communication. Yet fail to communicate about their children genuinely.
A narcissist will create a mass smear campaign against the healthy parent to gain enablers and flying monkeys to the narcissist side to isolate the healthy parent from support.
The narcissist will continue financially to isolate the healthy parent through many manipulative means.
- Isolating from friends and family.
- Controlling finances.
- Forcing the healthy parents into making choices they don’t want.
- Damaging property.
- Monitoring activity and movements.
- Threats to call police on the healthy parent, threats to take to court.
- Threating future events, if the healthy parent doesn’t allow the narcissist time with children when narcissists want, the narcissist will then threaten to withhold children in the future.
- Threats to harm the healthy parent.
- Repeatedly putting the healthy parents parenting down, to the parent, child, and anyone who’ll listen.
- Taking control of when they have children.
- Stopping you from doing day to day activities you enjoy by collecting children late, dropping children early or late.
- Gaslighting children causing them anxiety and fear, alienating children from the healthy parents by slandering the parent to the children.
- Ruining special occasions, making it all about them.
- Threats to report you for things you might not even be doing.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.