An enabler is someone who helps defend the narcissist, who supports the narcissist, by providing excuses or gaslighting others to help the narcissist avoid consequences for their actions.
Enablers often unwittingly help the narcissist, they’ve either been loved bombed or gaslighted into believing the narcissists lie, or they fear repercussions from the narcissist if they don’t do as the narcissist wants, through the trauma response fawn, where people unwittingly seek safety in complying with the narcissist demands or are led to believe behaviour is normal through the history of societal norms that narcissistic people made to appear normal. Hence, people accept behaviour they should never have.
An enabler supports the narcissist’s false reality by.
- Accepting the narcissist version of reality.
- Not questioning the narcissist through self-doubt or fear the narcissist has instilled.
- Not being able to stand up for themselves.
- Hiding or cleaning up after the narcissist’s destruction.
- Acting as an apologist for narcissist’s behaviour
Enablers can place self-doubt in others with gaslighting phrases such as.
- I’m sure they didn’t mean it.
- You attract who you are.
- What did you do to cause it?
- I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. (when often it was worse.)
- You know what they’re like.
- But they had a tough childhood.
- No one can make you feel.
- Everyone can change.
- Do you imagine things?
- Perhaps if you didn’t overthink.
- You are a little sensitive.
- I never had a problem with them
- Give them time.
- NPD is rare.
- I’m sure they were joking.
- They put a roof over your head.
The narcissist basically throws one of their temper tantrums, and enablers give in. The narcissist learns they can keep power and control over others. When people forgive them for anything that they do, a narcissist learns they can keep doing it. When people stand up to a narcissist and stop accepting their bad behaviour, they throw even bigger tantrums as they believe they are entitled to have what they want, that they are above all others and should be allowed to behave as they please, regardless to the effects it has on those around them as they lack the empathy to care, or put themselves in another’s shoe to understand how it makes someone else feel, they only care about themselves and getting their needs met.
When a narcissist never receives any consequences, they believe they can continue to do as they please.
Parents, partners, children etc., are brainwashed into believing the narcissist. Often the narcissist’s targets are left believing.
- I’ve made them act this way.
- If I’d compromise more.
- If I’d trust more.
- If I wasn’t sensitive, insecure, needy, demanding.
- They love us deep down.
- They didn’t mean to do it.
- Relationships have their ups and downs.
- If I was a better person.
- I need to stop being hurt and angry and become more loving.
And so many more.
Remember to always trust in how you feel around people. If something feels off about them, it usually is, only ever accept changed behaviour and not apologises, let go of those who bring you pain, be loyal to who you are as a person before you’re loyal to those around you. Never expect different results from those unwilling to learn from their own behaviour.
Learning your values and beliefs to create your personal boundaries as your boundaries are for you, as you’ll soon learn those who respect you and those who only wanted to take advantage of you. Your personal boundaries are to show people who you are as a person and the behaviour you will and will not accept from others.
The narcissist’s enablers.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.