You do not need to explain yourself to those unable or unwilling to listen to you, to those who are not loyal to you, to those who twist what they do onto you, to those who are at most unwilling to give, unless there is something in it for themselves.
We are humans with thoughts and feelings, and when someone is trying to say we’ve acted in a way we haven’t, feel in a way we don’t, or that our feelings are in some way wrong, making us doubt the very thing that’s designed to protect us against those that hurt us, by walking from those who do hurt us, when someone is provoking feelings within us then denying their behaviour when they are claiming our intentions are something that they are not, we rightly want to defend ourselves, and with people like ourselves that might have made an error in judgment, or said something they didn’t mean, a conversation can usually sort this out. However, with a narcissist, most of us fall into their trap of explaining our thoughts, feelings and opinions to the narcissist time and time again, only to be left questioning ourselves, confused, angry, irritated, hurt, bewildered, full of self-doubt and anxiety. Nonetheless, through the narcissist’s gaslighting, we do our best to change to keep them happy, not realising that change is making us miserable, and no matter what we do for them, they’re not changing as they don’t see themselves as the problems to them we are. To us, we then think we are.
Narcissistic people have a remarkable ability to draw people into arguments, which then leaves us confused, feeling bad, angry, full of resentment or feeling guilty.
One of the human needs is love, and connection another is significance. We want to connect with others, be loved by others, care for and be cared about by others. We want to understand others and be understood by others, form opinions, find a compromise and get along with people. We don’t all think and feel in the same way. We don’t all hear what’s being said in the way it’s meant at times. It is healthy to see another perspective and reach a compromise.
The narcissist doesn’t connect with others on this same level. They can not relate to others on this level. Narcissists want to be right, they want control, and they are more than happy to exploit others as they feel entitled to get their needs met, without caring for those that they might hurt in the process.
We find ourselves trying to use reason and logic to find a compromise with most people throughout our life. Explaining is a normal human response. Kind people will listen to you and try to understand. It’s exhausting explaining yourself to a narcissist. They will just get you into an argument, and most often, you’re left feeling worse than before you approached them.
You do not need to explain yourself to those unable or unwilling to listen, to those who want to bring you down to their level, to feel better about themselves, so long as you know your intentions are good, people with good intentions will listen to your explanations, narcissists will use your explanations against you to twist the story, to try and bring you down.
A narcissist is not looking to understand you or reach a compromise with you. They are looking to have their needs met by you.
If they act in Anger towards you, they often feel anger at themselves
When they act in Jealousy towards you, when you know you’ve done nothing wrong, they are either feeling jealous of you, or they are trying to control you through that emotion by stopping you from dressing up, going out, for fear of reactions, some will be doing to you what they are saying you are doing to them. When they accuse you of being jealous, they’re often trying to distract you from their very actions that create those feelings within you.
If they are saying you’re insecure, it’s usually because of something they have done to you, listen to your emotions, listen to your instincts, they’re trying to tell you something, don’t listen to the words of those who invalidate you and make you question yourself more than you were before you approached them, don’t listen to those who make you doubt your feelings and your intentions.
If they are playing Victim, it’s because they want attention.
They lack empathy, and most use cognitive empathy against us to guilt-trip us into doing something we wouldn’t usually do. They can not put themselves in our shoes to see how we’re feeling, only how you could be stopping them from doing something they feel entitled to do, regardless of the effects it has on you. Don’t defend yourself to them as most will only listen to what you are saying or doing so that they could then use against you to further their advantage, to gain dominance and control over you.
A narcissist will invalidate your strengths, so you doubt your capabilities. They poke at your weakness to make you feel less than, they use the things you care for the most, as these are the things you’ll most passionately defend so that they can bait that reaction from you, to then blame it all on you, so you doubt and blame yourself and not their actions.
Anything you do say, they will use as evidence against you.
They need to remain in control of all others to remain in control of themselves and their lives when they lose control of others minds; they throw massive tantrums, Silent Treatment, Projection, gaslighting, blame-shifting and rage to try and regain control of others. As they genuine feel better than others, they have a need to remain in control; they just want to stay in control so they can be passive-aggressive, those silent treatments, those sulks, giving ultimatums, they only think their way, and they want to win no matter what.
Most lack cognitive reflection, so they can not self reflect on something they might have, said or done to cause issues. They can only view the world as causing issues to them.
Nothing you can do or say will change their minds or opinions. They are locked on their reality, in their way of thinking, they simply can not hear what you are saying, they can not take advice on board, they mistake advice as criticism, they just see it as you insulting their intelligence, they then take this as criticism and act out as they feel judged, they want revenge on you for how they perceive things and how they believe others to make them feel, they don’t understand that they are the ones hurting people, only that others must be punished for the inner pain they feel.
They can not accept the truth. Even when faced with facts and evidence, if it means they’ll lose control or lose their reality, they will manipulate in many ways to deny and blame-shift.
Narcissists do not hear you, and it’s nothing to do with you, your motives are your motives, and they are not interested in what they are, they only care about what they care about, which is themselves, and you can explain till your blue in the face and hitting a brick wall. They’ll just not listen. When you’re trying to explain things to them, that they disagree with, they will take you off-topic, blame- shift, Provoke, rage leaving you feeling frustrated.
When we are not sure of who we are, when people tell us things about ourselves that touch insecurities that we don’t feel good enough, it hurts, just like it hurts them when people put them down, we can feel judged and upset, the best and most kind-hearted people can act out in anger when their buttons get pushed enough, afterwards, they will feel guilt and remorse, learn from the mistakes and try not to do it again. If it’s a limiting belief within yourself as you try to show others who you are, and they invalidate your feelings, it hurts, and it hurts hard when we try our best to people please and help others, often destroying ourselves. Narcissistic people do not feel that guilt and remorse for their actions in the same way that we do. They often just feel deep inner shame and hurt people to make themselves feel better as they blame others instead of learning from their own mistakes. They never look towards themselves; they always look to others to find fault.
All people have insecurities. All people have vulnerabilities; most people try to fit in; most people try to fill their own human needs. Most of us then sound extremely narcissistic, most of having narcissism within us, therefore when around those who have the disorder, this can bring out the worst in us, also causing cognitive dissonance within ourselves as our beliefs to we are a good-hearted person don’t match our realities. When we get caught up in arguments with them, it doesn’t match who we are. With the help of their manipulative gaslighting tactics, it takes us further down.
There is a difference between hurt people who hurt people, insecure people who don’t know who they are hurting that go around destroying others to feel better within themselves and hurt people who help people. These insecure people don’t know who they are, who then go around trying to help others feel better within themselves so others don’t feel the same pain. These two together leads to a very toxic relationship, as the one with empathy changes themselves to please others. The one with NPD takes advantage, often leading to hurt feelings, anger and resentment in both, the one with empathy taking all the blame and working harder to please the one with NPD. In contrast, the one with NPD passes over all the responsibility to escape accountability.
So, where you try and try and try to help others feel better, narcissistic people make others feel worse.
Learning to accept and love your insecurities, learning who you are, what makes you happy, your values, beliefs and boundaries, creating that inner confidence, you will learn to help and support the right people and walk away from the wrong people.
Narcissists will cause Arguments simply because they want to, no rhyme or reason.
Narcissists don’t want to be blamed for any problems, so they must make others at fault for everything that is wrong within the narcissist’s life.
A narcissist can be some of the most miserable people alive, and they can Drain the Happiness right out of those around them.
It never matters what you say or how you say it. They are not going to understand or listen to you, as their brains don’t work like ours.
You don’t need to explain yourself to the narcissist or convince them who you are, what your intentions are. We go around trying several ways to explain in a different way or when they are in a better mood. We try serval ways and approaches to get them to understand us, and they simply do not want to. If your opinions, beliefs, thoughts do not match theirs, they are not interested. Most of them know you’re a good person; they just feel superior to you. They put you down and make you out to be a bad person to make themselves feel better as a person, as they are projecting who they are onto you. They are full of anger and resentment and project this onto others.
Narcissistic people hate the fact that others do well for themselves; they are jealous and envious of confident, happy people.
They accuse you of being crazy, being a fool, not remembering things, as they feel inner shame, they want you to feel shame.
It’s not your responsibility to explain to people who just don’t understand it. You don’t have to explain it’s wrong for them to disappear on you, why it’s wrong for them to cheat on you, as they will keep doing it to you, you have to learn your boundaries of behaviour you will not accept and walk away. It’s not your responsibility to explain to your parents why you do or do not want to do something if they are telling you that you can not, making you feel guilty, leave your parents, partner, ex’s, friends to it, that is their opinion, and that is for them to keep they are entitled, it’s not up to you to change anyone other than yourself, you can not change people, you can only help people, and if they are unable or unwilling to accept responsibility for their own lives, mistakes, errors in judgment, it’s not up to you to make them see sense, it’s up to know they are entitled to that opinion. You are entitled to walk away and not let it define who you are.
When you get drawn into their games and arguments, they feed off it. Winning the discussion isn’t your end goal. That is theirs. Remaining true to yourself is all you need. You try to get them to have a better opinion of you, and it’ll never happen as they are not interested in who you are. They are only interested in their way.
Keeping true to yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, believing in yourself and who you are, if you have to communicate with them.
Retreat, rethink and respond if you feel you’re getting nowhere fast or starting to feel anger.
All you need to say is things like.
”You’re entitled to your opinion.”
In a calm voice, as straight as you can and don’t get defensive. It’s not up to you to force someone else to understand you, so if they disagree, there is no need to keep going. If you want to explain, explain once and leave it.
If it’s your parents saying you’re incapable of doing something, don’t explain why or how you can. Just go and show them you can, prove them wrong with your actions and not your words.
Remember, it’s not about winning. It’s about remaining true to who you are if they are not willing to compromise, leave them to it, managing your emotional state around them.
Knowing they just don’t understand on your level.
Best is saying nothing, leaving them to live their life, and you go live yours.
Hold your ground, and don’t give in. It’s not worth it. Narcissists will up their games when people don’t react as that’s what they want.
Learning who you are, your worth your value is only ever dependent on you and who you are. You define yourself.
Stop explaining.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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