Narcissist are very good at distracting us from the truth or lying about the truth to not only cover up for what they did, but also to gain sympathy from those around them, and they tell their stories with less confusion than those just coming away from a toxic relationship, as those walking away are left confused, often blaming themselves, full of self-doubts and trying to work out what’s been happening, however a narcissist knows in one aspect precisely what they are doing, exploiting people to meet a need of their own, sometimes what they are telling us just doesn’t seem right, yet we want to believe them, and the reason it doesn’t seem right is because they miss out the truth, they twist the story to meet their own need, and sometimes when we listen carefully we can hear those holes in their stories, but when they are telling us the ex is ”bitter and jealous and will not allow me to see my children.” and that ex has sent them some toxic messages which the narcissist has shown us, they just don’t show the part where they exploited the exes weaknesses to provoke anger and gain that reaction, as they don’t see their children, yet they miss out the part where they were having a negative impact on the children’s mental health, of where they let they children down and don’t bother with them, we don’t see the whole story only the part the narcissist wants us to see, we only hear their twisted tales of what they want us to believe.
So here are some common lies survivors of narcissist abuse have heard from the narcissist which can be part of their manipulative triangulation game, where the narcissist can play one person of against another to gain sympathy, to make you feel sorry them and help them achieve something or get one over on someone who you believe has hurt the narcissist. Or to divide and conquer.
No one is safe from the manipulation and triangulation.
“My husband/ wife or partner doesn’t understand me.” True the possibly don’t if they didn’t know about NPD the husband or wife will most likely be trying, while the narcissist is to busy trying it on with someone new.
“My wife/ husband or partner will no longer have sex with me.” could be real, they could be too exhausted from all the abuse, or the narcissist could no longer be interested but blaming the other half, or they could have a good sex life, but they don’t want you to know that, they want you to feel sorry for them.
“I’m sure who I’m with is cheating on me.” Projection as very often they’re cheating on that person with the very person they’re lying to, to make it seem acceptable that they’re with you when they have a partner, to make you feel sorry for them, who they’re with is most likely faithful, yet the narcissist will have told that person they’re jealous, to distract from what the narcissist is really doing.
“My ex is crazy.” The ex is just recovering from the very person who tried to send them that way and will do their best to send you that way, Some of the exes usually, do look and act crazy, if you’ve got out of a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll now know exactly why, and what the narcissist did to them to drive them to think and feel this way, when the exes come wanting to warn you, or wanting closure, as the narcissist has got their twisted truth in first you believe the ex is crazy, or jealous.
“My ex abused me.” often the narcissist abused them, they might have provoked some reactive abuse. Still, again they’ll miss out the part they played, the one who’s been abused would often tell both sides of the story, including the things the narcissist gaslighted then into believing was their fault.
“My ex is stalking me.” if the ex is chasing for answers, closure, divorce, child support, it could seem that way. Often the narcissist is Stalking the ex, to provoke those responses that they can then use to twist the story and manipulate.
“My children have no respect for me.” young children might have just not conformed mainly the scapegoat, older children might be recovering from childhood emotional abuse.
“My ex has turned the children against me.” the ex is most likely protecting the children or something like, “The ex made up lies about me because they are bitter, now I’m not allowed to see my own children.”
“My parents don’t understand me.” or the parents have has enough of being exploited.
“My parents always prefers my sibling.” The narcissist envy, no matter what the parents did for the narcissist, it wouldn’t be enough.
“My parents did nothing for me I was a mistake.” to gain attention an sympathy, as they believe they are special, they expect special attention from their parents, and when the parents don’t do as the narcissist says they sulk.
“My boss is horrible, ” or the boss will not do as the narcissist wants, the narcissist isn’t willing to put the work in.
“The Person I’m training up at work is useless, ” The narcissist feels above having to help others, others should just know.
“My neighbours have no respect.” The narcissist has no respect for their neighbours, but they have to twist the story to escape accountability.
“My friends always wants me to help them out.” usually because they want to get out of doing anything for their friends, or they can use as a decoy while they meet up with someone they don’t want you to know about.
“My children never ring to see how I am, ” They never call their children, if they do it’s usually past their bedtime or to inconvenience everyone as they feel entitled to do as they please and envious of those living life. Hence, they seek to disrupt any way they can.
“They don’t like me.” To get you to feel sorry for them.
“They are envious of me.” Usually, because the narcissist is envious of the very person, they’re claiming to be envious of them
“They talk about you behind your back.” To get you to lose your faith and trust in those you’re close to so they can isolate you from support.
Or they’ll use things like
“I don’t trust that friend of yours. They just use you.”
“Your parents interfere too much in our lives, we should move.”
“That friend of yours just gossips.”
All to divide and conquer, coercive control, so they plant the seeds of doubt within your mind, then they water them, so your the one who cuts people of thinking the narcissist is protecting you when they are sinking you.
“They borrowed a lot of money from me and never paid me back. Don’t talk to them; they are extremely dishonest.” The narcissist often did this to that person but didn’t want you to know the truth, so they’re triangulating so you don’t talk to them and discover the truth.
“I was set up.”
It’s to make them look like they are a right honest person and to make the other look bad. To gain control, to get sympathy, to get emotional reactions
They use the ex-partners for triangulation, the narcissist tells countless lies about the ex to you.
The ones where they tell you the truth about what happened with the ex, they just reverse the roles and explain what’s about to happen in your future to you—all without you even knowing.
The one where they say the ex trapped them. As the narcissist drip-feeds you lies of their past, with how well they are treating you during idealisation you believe a narcissist is a genuine person, they will say the ex trapped them, either how the narcissist’s ex just moved in with them and never left, or how the narcissists’ ex made them move in with them within not long of meeting, or the female narcissist will tell you the male ex got them pregnant, the ex messed with their birth control, or the male narcissist will say the female ex became pregnant really fast, to trap them.
The one where they say. Their ex’s behaviour changed toward them. They will also say, ” there ’s nothing wrong with moving fast when you’ve met the one when you’ve found your soulmate.” because of course, nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live, even though they claim this is what the ex did to them.
They will tell you the ex-abused them, how the narcissist gave it their all and got nothing in return, how the ex is obsessed with them, smearing the ex to you, also protecting themselves if the ex tries to warn you, as the narcissist got in their first, when you’re in the love-bombing stage you believe the narcissist to be genuine, so you feel sorry for the narcissist.
There’s the one when you’ve been together a while, where they tell you. They should have stayed with the ex, as the ex treated them far better than you do, the ex would have never treated them how you do, it’s all your fault, you charmed them away from the love of their lives, you trapped them. The ex, cooked better, parented better, looked better, they will tell you that they want to go back to the ex unless you try harder to be more like them, so you walk on eggshells, so you break down your boundaries and do things you wouldn’t normally do if the ex did this. They still left the ex, doesn’t matter if you do it, they’ll still leave you.
That they still love the ex, that they’ve released what a massive mistake they’ve made, you’ve made them realise what true love is, and they want to leave you and be with the one they truly love.
The ex loves and misses them, and the ex keeps trying to get back together with them, they’ll tell you not to worry, and they will handle it because they want to be with you as you treat them so well. This is to get you to up your game and give in to their demands.
Most of us go back a few times, and they might even have one that they always go back to, and always takes them back, listen carefully to the story’s they tell, watch for patterns in past behaviour and relationships.
Work on you, who you want to be, create new routines, new dreams and take those baby steps for a happier, healthier, more positive life.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Why do they hurt people?