Are you suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome?
Like many people who’ve endured Narcissistic and emotional abuse, you probably didn’t realise what was happening to you until you reached a point of near insanity believing that you are indeed going crazy. You began searching desperately for answers as to why your fairytale romance went so wrong. You ended up in a living nightmare, or why no matter what you did for your parents you just never felt like you were enough, or your parents ignored you, put you down and instilled shame in you, your boss could praise you one minute and drain you the next, that friend that would appear and all was great, then they would just disappear.
There comes the point we become so sick and tired of being so sick and tired, with the doctor or therapist not fully knowing what to do, so you take to Google, stumble across narcissist and realise the problem isn’t you, yet you’ve got work to do, to heal, recover and live a much happier, healthier life.
To make matters worse, the person you believe you love so much has made you feel you can’t do anything right. You’ve worked harder time and time again, believing you can save the relationship if only you do this, or next time you’ll get it right, The salvation of the relationship always lies on just on the distant horizon and is entirely dependent upon you changing something about yourself, yet no matter what you change, the relationship continues to cycle around to you feeling hurt, and trying harder to please them again.
Its is impossible for you to keep a narcissist happy, and most likely you’ve tried countless times, no matter what you do or change for them, they always want more, as they are always looking for externally sources of happiness, and we have to have happiness from within, to fulfil our happiness, with the human needs, when they meet these negatively, they are always in search of that quick win, yes they can meet connection, significance, certainty, when they are intimidating someone, it makes them feel in control, it makes them feel powerful, and when we meet three of these needs, with what we do, positively, neutrally or negatively, we become addicted, Narcissists are addicts to their negative behaviour, as it’s far quicker to take something down, than it is to build someone up, and when we have someone threatening us, it places that fear in us, often making us fawn, complying with the abusers demands, believing this will make our life easier, when in reality it makes our life harder, and when they are intimidating us in any way, we feel connected negatively, we feel, uncertain in an extreme way, we feel insignificant in a negative way, yet when we get it right, when we behaviour how they want and they idolise us, this makes us addicted to them, through the highs and lows and the cortisol and dopamine released during those highs and lows, also during idolisation, we meet love and connection, certainty they are back, uncertainty they could blow at any moment, significance we got it right, they are happy with us, contributing, we managed to help them be kind, growth the relationship is up and running again, meeting all six of the human needs and making the toxic relationship highly addictive.
Every time you think you’ve worked it out and they are happy, they change what they want from you again. Leaving you confused and working harder to please them.
Every time something goes wrong, they gaslight you deny any wrongdoing that they did, project all their faults onto you, and blame-shifting everything onto you, leaving you taking all the responsibility and feeling crazy. Most narcissists will be calling you “crazy.” “Too sensitive.” Or “insecure.”
Even when you first come across the term narcissist. It can still take you some time to decide whether your partner, parent, friend, sibling, the boss is a narcissist or not! Then when you do, those doubts may creep back in. After all, they could treat you better than anyone ever had, yet worse than anyone ever had, or you might question if you are the narcissist from all the side effects.
What most people overlook when trying to work out if their ex was narcissistic. Is how you were feeling and what was happening in your mind during the relationship.
Your own newly developed symptoms and behaviours while in the relationship is also a good indicator.
Therapists and coaches have recognised a lot of symptoms in survivors of narcissistic abuse.
These areas follows.
1. The feeling of helplessness, sadness and hopelessness, overwhelmed by the simplest task in life.
2. Hypervigilance and heightened feelings of fear and anxiety, living on the edge, always fearing the worst.
3. Sharp mood swings, with little control over your emotions.
4. Heightened irritability and proneness to anger.
5. An overwhelming sense of shame, guilt, and self-blame.
6. A mindset characterised by shock, disbelief, and denial
7. Confusion and difficulty with concentrating.
8. Living in a state of numb acceptance of one’s painful circumstances.
9. Having feelings about being disconnected from the outside world, not sure who’s there for you, and who’s against you.
10. Withdrawing from one’s family and friends.
11. Struggling to function, potentially losing jobs, homes, and some lose their children to the narcissist.
12. Addictions to anything, drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping etc.
13. Not knowing your purpose for living.
14. Daily life and chores seem pointless and become an extreme struggle.
15. Obsessive continuing thoughts.
16. Not being able to control your anger.
17. Blocking hideous memories out.
18. Suicidal thought, depression, no longer seeing any point to life.
Not everyone feels all other these, and some survivors feel them all.
These are what people feel when dealing with trauma. A narcissist often leaves you overcoming complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
They leave you in a state of uncertainty and fear during and after the relationship, fear of being abandoned, fear of reactions, fear of not being good enough. Even when they play nice, it’s all one big game to keep you in a trance and a state of confusion. Over time their psychological manipulation of you leaves you with many if not all of the above symptoms.
If you need a therapist, make sure they understand NPD so that they can help you.
EMDR treatment is excellent for many, to help recovery.
Purposefully holding your body right helps massively on the impact of your inner feeling. Power pose when alone in front of a mirror. Give it a try it might make you laugh too. If you’re telling yourself, you feel silly. You might, and you might just laugh. Notice how much better you feel within.
Even if you think you’ve nothing to smile about. Go and find something to smile about something that makes you happy, stand tall and put that smile on your face, notice your energy and mindset shift.
When trying new things, or handling difficult situations, don’t focus on what could go wrong, focus on what will go right, when you focus your mind to what you want you’re more likely to receive the outcome you want.
When meeting new people if you’re thinking. “No one will like me.” You’ll walk in different you’ll talk differently. You’ll avoid eye contact and sit in the corner if you walk in thinking. “Hey, I might meet some great new people.” Standing tall with a smile and a hello to everyone you meet, you’ll get that smile back and that hello back. You might strike up that conversation with great people, making that eye contact and connecting with others.
Find positive, uplifting, inspiring people, to surround yourself with, and it also rubs off on you. Don’t settle for those who aren’t worthy of you.
When something knocks you off balance at the start of your day, and you say to yourself “it’s going to be one of those days.” What usually happens? One bad thing after another?
When you get up, and everything’s going great most often you pick that momentum up and keep going. When a problem arises, do you let it knock you off balance and spend the rest of the day feeling negative? If you do, it’s time to recognise the problem for what it was. Can you do something about it? Yes? Then do it. No? Then go focus on something you can do.
Losing negative thoughts by finding things to be grateful for. It’s hard to feel, emotions like pain, anger, hurt when finding those things that make you feel happy. Yes, some negative emotions, problems need dealing with, life’s hard at times, it gets rough at times. Dealing when it hits then move consciously back into the positive emotions.
Look at and recognise how you are taking to yourself “what’s the point.” You’ll not find the point and do it. “What if this happens.” Will stop you trying. “I’m not good enough.” You’ll not see your worth. “No one will love me.” You’ll not find your love ( some find one that helps lift them.) instead. It needs to be “I must do it because.” And tell yourself the point, find the point. Look at the outcome if you succeed. Tell yourself “I am good enough.” Until your mind believes it, look at things you’ve done in the past and achieved. “I’m learning to love me.” As you progress. “I love me.”
When you’re feeling down, we all have those down moments, it’s all about breaking the pattern of your thinking and bringing yourself out of them if you’re feeling alone or miss understood, connection with those who do understand you, good online support groups are great for this to start, connecting with those who’ve loved it, you can dump your thoughts that aren’t severing you, and people will give you the acknowledgement that you’re not alone in how you think or feel, tips of what you can do. If you’re feeling down and like you can not do something, tell yourself you can, look at when you’ve done something similar in the past, so your mind knows its possible, or looks for someone who has done it before you to show your mind it’s possible.
Confidence is something we create within ourself, and life gets hard at times, even confident people aren’t confident all the time, you have the power within you to recognise when your thinking is working against you and consciously shift those thoughts to make them work for you.
When something happens that makes you feel those negative emotions, know this is normal we all have moments, especially when narcissistic people come at you to bring you down, or life hits hard out of the blue when the thing we’re going great, deal with those emotions there and then at that moment. Then adjust your thoughts, find the things within your life to be grateful for, find the lesson, sometimes it might be a few months later where you suddenly think ” oh if that hadn’t of happened I wouldn’t be doing this.” Find reasons to be blessed, not depressed.
We’re human, we make errors, focus on the lesson, focus on the outcome, and your mind will find a way. Don’t be hard over mistakes. It’s not there to beat yourself up, and it’s there to learn.
Your past doesn’t define your future. It’s a learning curve retraining your own mind, it takes time and practice and once you’ve achieved you keep going, if you take a step back go again. Think about the outcomes you want. Know why you want them, and you will always find a way.
Using your own mind to work for you, other people do not define who you are, situations, people you’ve been around might have shaped you, you have the power within to change you into who you want to be, how you want to feel, and how you think.
Join me, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with advice and support from Elizabeth Shaw, alongside other survivors doing the course.
For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ email@example.com
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. (Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw
Hello, I’m Liz, I'm a slightly 🙄 dyslexic Blogger (So my grammar and punctuation aren't always the best.) who enjoys writing, and if I can overcome my fears and do it anyway, so can you. Also, I have a YouTube channel which being dyslexic my words are not always pronounced correctly, yet I still have some fantastic support from a fantastic community of survivors. If you want to do anything in life, half the battle is facing your fears and getting started. I'm also a mum and get the pleasure to raise five incredible boys, I have three with the ex-husband, who’s just unique, and my youngest two with the ex narcissistic sociopath. I want to raise as much awareness as possible about the Narcissist Personality Disorder, to give people more understanding of what they've been through, more awareness so hopefully, people know the signs so don’t get involved in the first place, ways to get out safely, help with all the counter-parenting the narcissist throws in, help with whoever the narcissist is in your life, and most importantly recovery from narcissistic abuse, so you can move past it and have an incredible life, that you deserve.
View all posts by Elizabeth shaw