How to stop missing the narcissist.
To explain more about whether a narcissist misses us, first, we have to understand what they actually feel.
So what do they feel?
When it comes to most forms of emotions that people typically feel, happiness/sadness, pleasure/pain. Love/hate narcissists are different, and in some aspects, they are dead when it comes to positive emotions, as they mostly get these by hurting, using and exploiting others, and they don’t feel them in the same way that we do, some don’t feel them at all. Yes, they can put an amazing act on, they have learned from others, music, films what it looks like, so they can mirror these, but as they feel entitled and above all others, they want to be the star of the show. As most don’t feel positive emotions on a genuine level, they can not keep up the act with those closest to them. They do not feel the usual emotions or empathy with regards to those around them. They have an awareness. Even those on the lower end of the spectrum that perhaps don’t have the knowledge of what they are, or what they do, and those on the higher end who are aware, as they are lacking in cognitive reflection skills, once they’ve made their own minds up that whatever they have said or done is someone else’s fault they genuinely believe it is someone else fault, why they are so convincing with the twisted lies they tell, the blame-shifting and gaslighting they do with such truths behind them as that is for most of them their truth and their reality. Those that possibly have an awareness of the fact they feel different from others. They understand and have a knowledge of what they do to others and how it affects them; they simply don’t have the empathy to care. Of course, there is also those with the disorder that just believe everyone else feels the same as they do, so they use and abuse before they think they will get used and abused. Sometimes this is caused from going into fight mode through their own personal childhood trauma. This is no excuse to go around trying to sink others, as plenty of people can and do recover from trauma with the right help and support.
Most narcissists feel great power. When they get people to please them, it gives them a high surge of energy and drives them forward to continue. They feel at their personal best when they are in control. It is a necessity for them to feel this great power, and it’s also addictive. They meet their human needs in negative ways ( I shall add the video link that explains more about this at the end.) Emotions they do feel. Shame, envy, jealousy, hate and anger. These are not pleasant emotions to live with. As most of us know, negativity breeds negativity, and when around these people with their gaslighting, projection and blame-shifting. We often end up with these emotions In place of our joy and happiness, why most people question if they are the narcissist once out? First, if you have empathy towards others, try to help others, don’t exploit others, you are not a narcissist. Yes, we can all have been an enabler at some point. Yet, at the time of doing what we did, our intentions were good and done with what we believed to be the right thing to do. You can let go of that guilt (I shall also add the video on this.) Same as reactive abuse, if you’ve done this, it’s normal. You’re not alone. We are human. We make mistakes. Everyone has a limitation, especially when they are having the things they are most passionate about used against them to provoke reactions.
You’re going to feel defensive around those who are offensive. E.S.
The difference is, we can become more aware, learn and grow from our mistakes. Mistakes get made when emotions are on a high. While they continue down the same path of blaming all others, they live their lives stuck on a repeat pattern. They enjoy getting reactions from people to feel powerful and recognised, whether that’s praise and positive reactions or angry and negative reactions. They want to be the centre of attention and do what they can to achieve this at any given moment.
They feel the harshness when people criticise them, they feel anger and rage, even if it’s constructive criticism, or when you might not have actually meant anything by what you said, they’ve just perceived it as criticism. Why they respond to criticism in various ways, from sulks to silent treatments, put-downs and invalidating who we are, to gaslighting and blame-shifting, provoking those arguments. Hence, we react, then they will twist the blame, and it’s always then all our fault within the narcissist’s own mind. Narcissists feel envious when they are not the centre of attention, and they feel very frustrated when they can not make people do exactly as they want. They feel great envy when they see people with a better house or car. They feel hatred for those who wake up from the trance they put us under, see through their games and walk away from them, to them we have turned against them, why most go all out in their mass smear campaigns, they feel anger, resentment and bitterness towards us, and they feel a need to try and seek revenge. Those negative feelings are very strong within themselves, and they do not often feel emotions like happiness, joy, sadness, guilt, remorse, empathy etc., they are mostly, if not wholly absent. They have emotional paralysis. They do not feel sympathy for those around them, and if you’re watching and commenting on a charity, they’ll feel the attention slip away from themselves. They might make remarks like. “ Don’t bother; they’ll not get any money” or “they’ve not suffered like I have.” to get a reaction from you.
They see and learn from those around them what these emotions look like, and they can engage and know what these are like to you. They simply can not feel it within themselves.
The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum, so please be careful. There are those you can learn to manage yourself and your time around so they no longer impact your life or your emotions, there is also those who have a complete disregard for other humans, and you need to get away from them safely.
So how did they get this way? Did they never feel any of the usual emotions in genuine people? Did something happen to take it away? Did someone take it away? Did they take it away from themselves? Are we all with born with empathy, compassion, joy? Or is this is a learnt behaviour? We know we are born with an instinct to survive. We are born to scream and demand and get our needs met. So do we learn the other emotions as we grow? So did they once have compassion, joy, love, sadness, empathy, and it was halted or stopped and didn’t develop further? Did they ever have it, to begin with? Or were they simply created this way, created differently, so that they can achieve and climb to the top without a care of who they trample over to get what they want and get their demands and needs met. Not everyone at the top is a narcissist, although they’ll have more narcissistic traits. Just like not all narcissists are at the top, some don’t make it, usually making them the victim narcissist. Although with all narcissists, if they don’t get what they want, it’s always someone else’s fault.
As for laughter, they will laugh along with others if it’s something they’ve said to make people laugh. Again they are aware of what laughter looks like, and what it means to others, so they know how to act. They get envious of people around them who are laughing at others’ jokes and not their jokes; they hate seeing others get the praise. They take it as criticism towards them and want it for themselves. Have you ever been on a lovely day out, someone else’s birthday party? All is going well. Then out of nowhere, they’ll cause an argument or a scene over nothing. This is because they feel envy that it’s not about them, that they’re not making everybody happy this is simply done to get a reaction and emotions from you. So they themselves can gain their power back. They will not show fury or rage in the beginning or in front of others as they don’t want the mask to slip.
Now you know how they feel. You know the best thing to do is simply walk away and make your life great. If you’re after revenge, this is the best, as they will never be able to live as you do. And they’ll hate not getting any reactions from you.
Do they miss us?
In most ways, no not at all, especially if they have someone new to slowly torture, mentally and some do so physically, as most don’t connect with those positive emotions to create those happy memories, they don’t miss those good times, as they connect to the negative they blame it all on us, they are people of objects, so if who they are with now isn’t meeting a need of theirs, they will remember the things you provided for them, money, homes, cars, meals etc. and they will miss those, if they see you doing well for yourself again and happy again, they want a piece of that so most do try to swoop back in to pull us under again, so no they don’t miss us for the right reasons, that they genuinely love and care for us, they miss us for the wrong reasons of what we provided for them, even if we only gave them attention, they miss that attention.
So how can we Stop Missing them?
When you are still attached to a toxic person, it’s like an addiction, and we are weaning ourselves off a drug. Those highs and lows of the relationship release natural chemicals within our bodies. No contact is best, if that’s not possible, limited communication and grey rock.
When you know someone is so bad for you now, so bad for your self-esteem and your trust, your happiness and your future, yet you just can not get over that toxic negative person and you keep going back to them, giving them a chance after chance, for them to hurt you all over again.
One minute they can be so loving, so kind, they next they stab you in the back, then they up and leave, suddenly they reappear wanting you back, mental abuse has so many effects, while you are in it, you don’t even see it happening. Worst of all, they’ve made you believe it’s all your fault, and it is never your fault. No one deserves to be treated this way. Here are a few top methods to try and move past this to Stop Missing them and start enjoying your present, then creating a much happier future.
1. Write down the story you are telling yourself, and then next to it, write the truth things like.
- We had an amazing connection.
They learned everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.
- They can change.
They’ve said they’d change so many times and never managed it. What’s different now? Nothing they will not change,
- It was my fault they acted that way.
No one deserves to be manipulated and abused.
- We could make it work this time.
What is different this time to last? Nothing, we can never make it work as they do not love or care for me.
- I’ll never find real love.
If I go back to them, it’ll take longer to find real love, as they don’t love me.
2. What would your friend tell you if they knew everything?
Detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself, then think about your best friend or anyone you care about. If the narcissist has cut you off from everybody, think of someone you used to be close to, who was always there for you. ( If the narcissist has cut you off, reach out to them, they may help.) then witness the whole relationship in its entirety through their eyes.
What would you be telling you if you were them? This person is wrong for you? Are they toxic? Do they have a disorder? if they know about narcissism, they may tell you that. ( if they told you before, believe them now, reach out to them, they told you because they care.) so tell yourself exactly what they would tell you.
3. What would you tell someone if they were going through what you are now?
Think of a couple you know or a friend with a toxic parent. If one of those were treating the other how the narcissist was treating you, what would you be telling them right now when that narcissist comes swooping back for them. Would you be telling them to run the other way? If it’s your parent or a close friend, what would you be telling someone if their parent was treating them the way yours does you?
So now tell yourself to keep moving forward in your life, leaving them in your past.
When you are in it, your mind creates all sorts of stories with the help of twisted words from the narcissist. When you step away from it, tell your mind the truth and keep telling it the real story.
4. What’s the reality of staying or going back to them?
Think about if you stay, or go back, what it’ll be like in six months, one year, the pattern keeps cycling, you’ve already been around it before. Start giving yourself a better future by thinking about how happy you will be, everything you can do without having the narcissist to answer to.
5. Remember, you don’t really love them. Even if you thought you did, or perhaps you still think you do, you are entitled to care about them.
Obsession, trauma bonding and attachment to anyone is not love. It’s intense, and it’s mistaken for love. You think it’s love. It’s not love. It is those chemicals your body has released because of those highs and lows, and it’s not love. Are those highs really worth the lows and the doubts?
Start telling yourself over and over until it sinks into your mind, “ it’s not love. It is an addiction, and it’s not love. It is an addiction.”
6. stick to boundaries and no contact.
Set boundaries and stop all contact. Grey rock if they still see the children. At the start, it’s going to be really hard. You will have withdrawals. Keep going. It gets easier. Do it now, and you have to go through the withdrawals no other way. It’s far better to do it now than in ten years. After withdrawals, you will reclaim your happiness.
7. Discover a new passion for yourself.
Replace that void that they leave behind with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy working on yourself and your life, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, and it’s the routine you miss.
8. When you’re having down moments, put some uplifting music on, or call someone close to you, yoga, meditation or exercise, watch something funny that makes you laugh
Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you. You can, and you will recover from this.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
How to scare away a narcissist.