Overcoming Narcissist Abuse By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
It’s incredibly hard at first, doing all you can to move on and rebuild your life from the ashes that the narcissist left you with, yet with their many manipulative games they play it can seem like you just can not get a break, every time you believe you’re getting somewhere they knock you sideways with another one of their hideous games.
Remember you can not control what others do, you are, however, in control of your life, and I know all too well if you’re at the start you might be thinking, but it’s impossible, they will not let me move one, they’ve just done something so hideous, like going all out so you lose your job, some even take your children away from you, and this is heartbreaking, yet like a boat if we allow the holes to appear and the water to get in, it will sink, if we can do all we can to avoid that water getting in, or even when your pumping it out as fast as it’s filling up at the start, keep pumping it back out until you can get to shore, until you can get to safety, until you find good help and support.
They want to sink you, that’s why they are going all out to do so, you have to become at one with your own vulnerabilities and weaknesses, knowing yourself inside and out, so they can no longer use them against you, as the narcissist knows and has learned them all and will try to use every single one against you to sink you if they can. If they know you love your job, they will seek to destroy, if they know your children if you have them are the most important they will seek to destroy, so accept your children are your biggest weaknesses for you, cry it out when they come after them, scream it out, reach out for support, never ever, ever let the narcissist know they have gotten to you, retreat, rethink and respond only if needed, yes they might up their games, yes you might react, that’s ok most of us slip up and make that mistake, I know I did, didn’t get me anywhere other than more pain. I understand it’s hard to start especially if they have taken the children, yet you need to use that time as an opportunity to heal, learn and grow, then come back fighting stronger than ever before, then help your children, it’s far easier to fight from a high place than a low one, make sure that the narcissistic ex has underestimated your comeback power, life isn’t always easy, you’ve got to do all you can through the hard times to get to the good times,
Look for and try to talk to those who’ve experienced similar to your story that have achieved what you want, seeing that someone else can will start you believe you can, know why you want whatever it is you want, know what you want, and don’t give up on you. Keep going for those brighter days and results.
If you still have to speak to the narcissist, either it would mean cutting off good family members, or they work with you, or because of children, first no contact is the best, so cut them out if you are able to do so, change jobs if needed, move away, second if you truly can not cut them out, limited contact here are five great phrases to help you disarm them.
When they come at you with. “That’s just like you.” “You’ve done this because you’re bitter.”
Whatever the argumentative, word salad they are using to place all blame onto you, the best answer for you to give them is.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Narcissistic people believe they know everything and they are trying to get reactions out of you, they want and need you to defend yourself in front of the children, so they can twist it all around, leaving you all worked up, in front of the children so they can slate you to the children, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” completely throws the narcissist off balance.
Another is. “I can accept your perception of events, but I’m sticking to my own.” This not only throws the narcissist of balance again, but it also teaches the children, they are allowed their own thoughts and opinions about what’s happening, you can not control what others think or say, you can, however, control what you think and say.
“I accept you see me differently to how I see my self.” So you acknowledge they see things different yet you’re letting them know you don’t agree. Or “ I accept you see the events differently.”
A narcissist is like children throwing tantrums In adults body’s, one sure-fire way is to act like a toddler, no not throw a tantrum back the fabulous. “Why.” You can slowly watch them stumble for words trying to make their word salad point. When the pause for an answer just asks “why.” So when they tell you “it’s all your fault.” Or “you’re crazy.” Just ask “why.” And hit the repeat button of “why.” As they love to hit repeat with the story of their lives.
Or the “you’re keeping the children away from me.” Then the “you’re damaging the children again just a “why.” Then stand back and watch them lose themselves in their twisted version of reality.
When they start to lose it. “Your anger is not my responsibility, I can only control my own.”
Then when they fire something back at you. “Perhaps you should go to work on that.”
Or “I accept that’s how you feel, I don’t feel the same.”
Then, “you’re opinions are for you, doesn’t mean I have to agree, mine is for me.”
Some narcissistic people are extremely dangerous, so I wouldn’t recommend if they are, you know what your ex, is and isn’t capable of.
If at all possible no response is the best response, as is no contact.
If you can no response is the best, yet this feels wrong in front of the children, so sometimes in front of the children, so you don’t get into an argument, and so you don’t look rude, as they don’t know or understand why the parent talks to you the way they do yet, the above are the best possible responses.
Working on you, it’s ok to sometimes not be ok, I personally was on top of my game, the narcissist opened their mouth in court and hung themselves, it went to a finding of facts, as I spent weeks gathering all evidence, keeping on top, trying to live life to the best whilst trying to sort and be prepared for a hideous experience, only to turn up on the day for the narcissist to be a no show, the narcissists reason to the court, because they didn’t get what they wanted last time, I didn’t see this as a victory, yes the narcissist through a tantrum as they didn’t get what they wanted and didn’t like evidence and facts, so they are off in avoidance, yet I hit a low that evening, when everything that had happened just caught up with me like a tone of bricks, when this happens, reach out for support, find the things to be grateful for and refocus on life, changing your state of mind isn’t always easy, yet facing it, working through it, the truth, not making up excuses, dealing with it at that moment and then letting it goes and focusing on things you can do for you and your children if you have them, listening to motivational videos, creating new goals, life is a journey with ups and downs, when those downs come to know you can and you will always get back up, a little wiser, a little Stronger and a little happier than you were before.