Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The relationship with the narcissist is confusing, draining and hard work when they leave or you leave, you think you are finally free, yet they run around your head and continue to play games, it all seems so unbelievable the lengths they will go to, just to destroy you, yet as you read others story’s, you become to realise the reality of what’s actually happened and that you’re far from alone.
You met your soulmate, and everything was perfect, yet slowly bit by bit it slips away, yet you believe the problem is you and do everything you can to get that perfect life back. You do everything you can to make life great again, you give and give and give some more, hoping to make them happy.
They cause arguments from nowhere, disappear on you, sudden mood swings, temper tantrums, silent treatments, ruining special occasions and days out, you know you’ve not done anything to deserve it, yet you over analyse it all, find yourself at fault, and with the help of the narcissists word salad, gaslighting, projection, provoking and blame-shifting you actually blame yourself and step up yourself to work harder in the relationship. For a little while, it works. Then they pull the rug from underneath you yet again. Yet you still try to make it work, forgive them, try to help them, make excuses for them.
Once you finally break free for good, their games continue, they’ll not give closure, they’ll not return belongings, or collect theirs, trying to sort seeing the children is a never-ending mind field of games, you’ll be told just how crazy you are, some start stalking you, others start calling the police and social services on you, you may lose your home, realise they’ve taken all the money and left you in endless amounts of debt solely in your name, they moved on straight away, flying monkeys contacting you. They’ve smeared your name to anyone who’ll listen, the gossip is spreading, and you no longer know who you can trust or who to turn to. Then you get a nice message from them, and you don’t want to believe what’s happening or how someone who loved and cared for you could turn so callous and cold. The children, how can they not be interested in their own children? Or how can they take you to court to take the children away from you? Yet you still try to reason with them, get answers from them, communicate and try to compromise, make excuses for them.
Narcissistic people find it a necessity to play these games, to keep you in check. To keep you off balance, to keep you confused, angry and hurt, firing bullet after bullet and some missiles to keep you in pain and misery, during and after the relationship. Some are more calculated in the way they do this, others it’s just natural to them, then there are a few that will leave you be after the relationship has ended. They do not see themselves as the one to blame, they believe you’ve criticised them in some way, or you’ve caused all the damage. Therefore you need to pay. Even those who know they cause problems, change it around to you are the problem.
Be it instinctively done or calculated, and they believe that’s the way they have to live, and what they must do in order to protect themselves, this is not an excuse no one deserves to be treated the way a narcissist treats others. This is the reason why.
Narcissistic people simply can not trust others, Any criticism even if you did not criticise them, they just took it that way, you are the enemy to them, the narcissist has to stay ahead of the game, they also have to keep control and stay above all others any way they can, they have no respect for the law, or for others, they have no empathy to relate.
They are unable to make themselves happy, so they are unable to make others happy, they crave attention, positive or negative. They are a puzzle with some pieces missing, when you find those, they’ll take a couple more out.
They seek revenge on those who they believe have turned against them. They seek to punish those who don’t conform to their demands.
You can not help a narcissist as they truly don’t see themselves as the problem, you can not save someone who can not see any faults within themselves.
If the narcissistic person believes you’ve turned against them, challenged them, criticised them, undermined them, they will seek to punish you.
You will never be able to reason with a narcissist, they want what they want when they want it, if they don’t like you as they believe you criticised them, and you ask if they’re ok as you thought everything was ok, they’ll take this as you questioning them and their rights to sulk.
How do you get a narcissist to leave you alone?
1. No contact.
The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum, so with some, the only way is to go no contact, move miles away from them, change phone numbers, email addresses, social media accounts, be extremely careful what friends and family you tell, as some may be the narcissists enables.
2. No reaction.
Some narcissists are less extreme and extremely lazy, so after one or two attempts to get at you, with them getting nothing back from you, they will leave you alone.
3. And more No Reaction.
Some you can stay put and go no contact, blocking them and all their friends and family from social media, and your phone, email address. Even your eBay and YouTube as some have been known to try and contact through these platforms, and some have been known to transfer small amounts of cash into bank accounts along with some random message, give no reaction.
4. Level up / Grey Rock.
If you have children grey rock and level up. Or if it would mean cutting off good family members, again still block them and their flying monkeys on everything. And only leave online communication open, set up a separate email address, or have a cheap second phone with new sim / new number, that is only used for communication between the two of you, so you only look when needed and prepared and also so you can keep everything in writing for further evidence.
With grey rock, it’s.
Business like responses.
Need to know communication only.
No reactions, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so.
Don’t ask about them, don’t tell about you.
One word answers.
Practice until you get it.
Feel free to let any emotions out when they are not around.
With level up,
Compliment them when they are being helpful.
Don’t say no just because they were awkward the week before. Only say no, if saying yes doesn’t work for you.
Stick to your boundaries.
Know who you are so well, and know about their disorder, so their toxic words no longer impact you.
Observe don’t absorb.
Be friendly ( not over helpful.) more be respectful when they are respectful of you.
With some, not all you can kill them with kindness, so long as you’re not triggered when you do so.
Use the term we or us in communication.
Don’t point out their mistakes, and those are for them.
When they do not compromise, let them know. “That’s for you, and you can keep your way. However mine is for me, so I’m keeping mine, we can either compromise or agree to disagree.”
When they start twisting things back to grey Rock.
Going no contact or grey rock, unfortunately for the other people often leads the narcissist to get attention elsewhere, remember they like positive attention but negative attention will do.
Some narcissists can be extremely persistent when they chose to be and can harm your anxiety healing and recovery no end by turning up somewhere unexpected. If they do this get restraining orders, non-molestation orders and protection orders, may help, but some feel above these, reward their efforts of trying to get to you, by staying calm, not noticing them, no reaction and no emotion if they appear to chat to you, and your in public carry on doing whatever your doing, as soon as it’s safe to do so, call the police.
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