It’s not an easy or straightforward journey recovering from narcissistic abuse, as more and more secrets and lies come out as you start to connect those dots, lots of things to learn and put into place, looking deep and healing deep within yourself, however with the right steps it is possible.
Step 1. You’ve got to want it for you; you’ve got to create your reason why. You’ve got to start with those baby steps and take action for yourself and where you want your own life to take you now. You’ve got to give yourself the willpower to go out there and do what’s right for you.
Step 2. Most start with learning all about the narcissist personality disorder, understanding them in their entirety, who they are and what they do. This can be tough as it gives you one eye-opening moment after another. An awakening to everything you’ve been through. Listening to others story’s and realising you are not alone in any of this, from what’s happened to you to how you feel, to how you react.
Step 3. Radical acceptance of who they are. Waking up to the fact you’ve been groomed by them. Learning you’ve been brainwashed to serve them in all areas of their life and losing your self-trust, self-respect, self-worth, happiness.
Step 4. You may have to come to terms with the fact you’ve been programmed as a child to people please, that one of both of your parents could be on the spectrum of the disorder. You’ve spent a lifetime accepting behaviour you should never have accepted, suffering at the hands of others.
Step 5. You may need to write down all events from your childhood and the relationships, with what happened, what actually happened, the part you played, and how not to allow yourself to fall into the same trap again.
Step 6. Writing the reality of what really went off and who these people are. You can do good at this for a while, and then reality can hit you hard, making you feel like you’ve taken a step or ten back; stop when this happens and look how far you’ve come. There is a lot of reality’s and wake up calls to wake up to; keep going; it gets easier.
Step 7. Cutting all toxic and negative people from your life if you can not remove them altogether. ( no excuses if you can lose them, negativity breeds negativity.) if not, learn grey rock and limit exposure to them, no reactions, no emotions, observing them, never absorbing their toxins.
Step 8. This can be harder than step 7 but needs must for your own sanity, removing and blocking the narcissists family and friends. Their flying monkeys need to be removed. Deleting them isn’t the hard part; the hard part is not feeling guilty; letting that guilt go.
Step 9. You may slip back into the daydream fantasy world, and sometimes when the reality is hitting so hard that people like this exist and you need to find the positives, you need to step away from it. Don’t daydream too long; bring yourself back into the reality of the situation, keep working through it all.
Step 9. Overcoming the grief, use that pain to keep going and going, to get to where you want to be, remember to check your writing of who they indeed are, whenever you have those doubts.
Step 10. Overcoming the guilt, guilt for parts you played been their enabler against others, the guilt for not trusting your instincts, the guilt for not being able to help, the guilt for cutting people off, you need to remember, once you’ve done it, it’s in the past. It had to be done so you can move on to a much happier life.
Step 11. Realising you don’t always miss the person, you miss the routine and start to create new routines for yourself.
Step12. Overcoming the trauma bond, you are weaning yourself off natural chemicals your body has released during those ups and downs of the relationship.
Step 13. Reprogramming your mindset to a positive one, talking to yourself exactly how you want to. “I am loveable. I am kind, I am enough, I am worthy. I am beautiful.” Letting go of all the doubts and negativity the narcissist programmed into you.
Step 15. Overcoming your anxiety, bringing yourself back into the present moment. Telling yourself. “I’m safe now.” Taking steps to get back out into the real world.
Step 16. Removing the narcissist from your mind, pattern interrupt and changing again how you think; when they subconsciously rent space in your mind without paying rent, you’ve got to consciously wipe them back out and put a different thought in.
Step 17. Finding who you are again, getting back out there, creating yourself, new visions, new dreams, new passions and taking action to achieve them, join clubs, start meditating, or take up an exercise, join a gym, a writers group, learn to play an instrument, painting, whatever it does it, when it gets hard, keep going at the other side of hardship and pain in a beautiful destination.
Step 18. Talk to people, make new positive friends, build your confidence by smiling at others, then say hello, then paying them compliments.
Step 19. Learn to listen to your instincts even when you don’t know what they are saying; your instincts are correct.
Step 20. Remember, your memories are not real, they are no longer your reality, and they are not happening in the present moment when they are just memories, make the present moment count and work towards a brighter future for you today.
Step 21. Lose the victim mindset. You’ll not grow and change while you are stuck in victim mode.
Step 22. Make those changes in your life you need to change; changing one thing can change everything, and keep going until you get the change you want.
Step 23. As mobile phones and computers get software upgrades, realising that you need to do this daily with your mind, keep growing, keep trying new things, keep learning new things, keep developing, don’t stand still, it’s ok to take a moment to catch your breath, then get up and go again.
Step 24. Learning we all make mistakes, we all fail, to fail in your first attempt in learning, so step out into the unknown, make a mistake, fail along the way, learn from it, change it, get up and go again, leaving the mistakes in your past and taking the lessons with you.
Step 24. Learning your standards, your values, your boundaries and your belief system, no longer people-pleasing; if something makes you feel uncomfortable, to say no and stick to your no if something doesn’t bring you inner peace and joy, say no and stick to your boundaries.
Step 25. Make the choices that are right for you, yet be kind to others, give a little back to those you can, leave behind those unable or unwilling to learn.
Step 26. Please don’t listen to the haters. They have their own insecurities and problems; they are not the people for you; walk with those who raise you up and raise them up, leave those who only want to drag you down.
Step 27. Release your pride and your ego, release the fear of what others think of you, be a kind-hearted person while doing what is right for you, then those red flags will become deal breakers as to who stays in your life and who doesn’t.
Step 28. Learning you don’t need others for a reality check, you need you, take criticism and advice from good positive people, don’t absorb toxic poison from negative people’s words, filter them straight back out.
Step 29. Program your mind to use your consciousness, remove all that subconscious programming that no longer serves you.
Step 30. Believe and trust in yourself and everything you do.
We are all individuals, and we take the steps in our own timescale and our own order; what works for one may not work for another, keep going, keep learning, keep growing, be exactly who you want to be for you in the present moment, and keep updating your mindset to create who you want to become in the future. Reach out to others, whether that to receive help or give help, most people in the world want to help, and most people want to be helped.
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Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.
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To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.
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All about the narcissist Online course.
Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.
The narcissists counter-parenting.
Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.