Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
No matter who the narcissist was in your life, friend, family member or work colleagues, recovery is about learning who you are.
When you become more confident within yourself, it becomes second nature to stop allowing negative people in your life.
Days, weeks or for some years have passed, yet you may still feel trapped in your own mind, about the past and the toxic relationship, well give yourself some praise, you are free, no matter how you got free. It’s a very painful experience to overcome, so give yourself more praise for seeking a way past it all, for making the changes, for how you’ve been affected and wanting to move on.
It’s also time to stop people-pleasing, creating boundaries and saying “no.” Learn your boundaries and stick to them, so if someone asks you for help with something, and you’re free, and you want to go help, then help them. If you’re really busy, say. “ I’m sorry I’ve got something on at the moment, I can help.” And state when you’re free to if you want to help them out. If it’s someone who’s come out of a narcissistic relationship and you were in one too, it’s ok to drop everything and go to them, as you know how much they need you. It’s about you and what and when you want to do things to help others. Say no to those who don’t help you. Help those that do instead, give and take. You can even say, “I’ll let you know tomorrow.” So you can give yourself space and time to think. Think about what you could be doing if you weren’t people-pleasing, put yourself first and don’t feel guilty for doing it, yes it’s a learning curve, it can be hard saying no to people at first, especially when you’ve spent your whole life saying yes. You will feel uncomfortable at first, good people who love you will not find this a problem, only toxic people will react, don’t worry those are not the kind of people you want in your life anyway. Believe in yourself. You can do it. It will help you with your self-worth. You need to let go of that need to be liked by everyone, just be liked by people who like you for who you are. Be true to yourself.
More information on boundaries.
If you’re not already taking care of yourself physically, start today when you take care of yourself physically, it can dramatically improve your mental health, get yourself a hair cut, try going for a walk, for some, it might be a step forward of brushing your teeth. After a narcissistic relationship, to some this can seem like a mammoth hurdle, just jump in and do one, then keep doing it, adding a new step into your new-found self and routine every couple of days.
Remove anything from your home that reminds you of your ex to avoid any unnecessary triggers.
Getting your self-esteem back after the narcissist. Do not feel ashamed, angry or guilty. You could not see the abuse, and the manipulation was out of your control. You did not cause it. You can not change it, and you can only control you. You went into a relationship with an amazing person and fell deeply in love, and they slowly took you apart. You might want to tell people what’s happened, or you may feel ashamed by what happened, both are ok, both are normal feelings. Do what’s right for you, if you want to tell people to do if you’re going to keep it secret do. Whatever is best for you. Join a support group, and if you see it happening to someone else, you can let them know you know exactly how it feels, that you’ll be there for them no matter what. Write a journal, do whatever feels right to you, follow your intuition on what’s right for you.
If your worries are you may fall for another narcissist. Learn the red flags, then take care of yourself. Learn behaviour you will and will not accept from others, learn your boundaries, live for who you want to be. It is about knowing who you are, yes we are human, we all make mistakes, we all have good qualities to bring to others too, value who you are. Know your boundaries, if someone cannot accept you for you if they don’t have a different opinion to you if they move way to fast, step away and slow it down.
When you start dating again.
It’s far better to be alone and love yourself than be with someone who disrespects everything about you. Real love and relationships it hard works at times, it’s given and takes. Sometimes it’s 50/50 others it’s 90/10, but the coin flips so it’s 10/90 then back to 50/50 give and choose depending on each circumstance at any given time, it’s about working together. Knowing and respecting that you have different opinions, working on a middle ground, helping each other out. Being there for each other. Not one gives it their all and the other takes. Staying true to yourself and them staying true to themselves.
Find your passion. Ask “who am I.” Find what you enjoy doing, find what you love in life, then baby steps to reach who you want to be. Learn how to be alone strong and whole by yourself, I do have a post on loneliness if you want more information on this.
You can overcome a narcissistic relationship, and move forward to a more positive happier life.
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