No contact is a crucial strategy when dealing with a narcissist, but it’s not always easy or even possible. Narcissistic Personality Disorder exists on a spectrum, and while some individuals with the disorder might be manageable with strict boundaries, others—particularly those lacking empathy—can be dangerous. For those in the latter category, going no contact is often necessary to protect yourself and begin the healing process. However, if no contact is possible, it is the best approach for recovery and healing.
No contact means exactly that: no talking, no texting, no emailing, no checking their social media, and no interaction whatsoever. It’s essential to block the narcissist and even their close associates on social media to avoid any potential for contact or influence. If you have children together, the only acceptable communication should be about the children, and even then, it’s best to keep the interaction as bland and factual as possible—a strategy known as “Grey Rock.” Grey Rocking means making your interactions so dull and uninteresting that the narcissist loses interest in manipulating or engaging with you.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
When dealing with a narcissist, it’s crucial to remember that everything is about them. If you’ve managed to escape the relationship or they have discarded you, they may still attempt to manipulate and control you. This is where no contact becomes even more vital. Narcissists are likely to try several tactics to re-enter your life, all designed to pull you back into their toxic web. Here are some common manipulative moves they might use and why sticking with no contact is crucial.
One of the first challenges after leaving a narcissist is the mental obsession over what went wrong. Questions like “Was it me? Was it them? Could I have done better?” will plague your thoughts. This obsessive thinking is part of the trauma bond—a psychological attachment created through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement. You might be tempted to reach out to them for answers or closure, but this is exactly what the narcissist hopes for. They want you to break no contact so they can regain control. No matter how strong the urge is, resist contacting them. Remember, no contact is about regaining your power and protecting your mental health.
If you initiate the breakup, the narcissist might twist the narrative, telling others that they were the ones who ended things. This is a common tactic to preserve their image and make you appear desperate or unhinged. They might even block you first, just to provoke you into chasing them, which only serves to make you look like the one who can’t let go. It’s all part of their manipulation game, and the best way to win is not to play. Stick with no contact.
Even if they’ve moved on to a new relationship, a narcissist might still try to hoover you back into their life. Hoovering is a tactic where the narcissist attempts to suck you back in, like a vacuum cleaner, often by playing on your emotions or exploiting your trauma bond. They might contact you, hoping that you are still trauma-bonded and unable to let them go fully. They might promise to change or suggest going to counselling together, but this is just another form of manipulation. Narcissists rarely, if ever, change. They might alter their lies or swap out partners, but their fundamental personality remains unchanged. The disorder, combined with a lack of cognitive reflection skills, means they never see themselves as the problem.
One of the most insidious tactics a narcissist will use after you leave them is the smear campaign. In a smear campaign, the narcissist will tell others that all the things they did to you were actually done by you to them. This tactic not only ruins your reputation but also isolates you from mutual friends and support networks. They might even go as far as to destroy your life after the breakup, so if necessary, don’t hesitate to get a non-molestation order or legal protection.
A narcissist always wants to win, and they won’t hesitate to use children as pawns in their games. They believe they are entitled to do as they please, treating people as objects to fulfil their needs. Just as we use a kettle to boil water, a narcissist uses people to gain attention, take something they want, or achieve some other selfish goal. They might fight for custody, not because they genuinely want the children, but because they see it as a way to win or to continue manipulating you. If they don’t want custody, they may claim you are denying them access to the children, playing the victim to gain sympathy and support.
Narcissists thrive on drama and emotional turmoil, and they will do everything in their power to keep you on the emotional roller coaster. They don’t care about consequences because, in their minds, they are never at fault. It’s always someone else’s problem. They will always play the victim, using lines like, “I still want to be friends,” which is often code for “friends with benefits.” They might drive past your home or workplace, stalk you, or engage in other forms of harassment to keep themselves relevant in your life.
A narcissist doesn’t miss you in the same way you might miss them. For them, you were never a partner or a loved one in the traditional sense—you were an extension of themselves, someone who existed to serve their needs. When you go no contact, they don’t see it as you taking care of yourself. They see it as an affront to their control. They believe they should have access to you whenever they want, and they’ll go to great lengths to regain that access.
It can be incredibly difficult when a narcissist leaves and then returns, offering promises of change. Many of us want to believe that people can change, that maybe it was our fault, or that perhaps this time will be different. But it’s important to remember that a narcissist’s promises are just another tool for manipulation. They may blame you for why they moved on, yet still, try to pull you back into their toxic orbit. Whether it’s due to a trauma bond, a lack of understanding of their manipulation tactics, or just because you have empathy and want to see the best in people, it’s not uncommon to give them a second—or even eighth—chance. But remember, no contact is hard, but it is vital for your recovery. The narcissist will not change, and giving them another chance only opens you up to more hurt and manipulation.
Once a narcissist shows you their true colours, believe them. Don’t try to repaint their colours or make excuses for their behaviour. Some narcissists will even punish you for taking them back, as they believe you didn’t have the right to leave in the first place. If you ever asked a narcissist what they loved about you, their answers were likely superficial and self-serving: they loved how you cooked for them, how you fixed their car, or how you took care of them. Rarely will they mention your personality, your kindness, or your sense of humour. It’s always about what you do for them, not who you are.
Going no contact is challenging, especially if you’re trauma-bonded to the narcissist. Your mind may obsess over them, replaying the relationship and questioning your decisions. But remember, no contact is essential for your healing. It allows you to regain your power, see the narcissist for who they truly are, and move forward to a brighter, healthier future.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Grey Rock.
Whey they always think they are right.
Why they become obsessed with you video.
He loved the way I love him.
I had the same thing. I just left and it’s crazy how much this is like my situation. I will learn to not react.
Exactly the same for me!!!
I asked him one day why did you want to marry me ? His response was I let him be himself !!