What can happen when you end it with the narcissist? The best option is not to do this in person, as you can never know precisely how they will respond. Someone who exploits others and has little to no genuine empathy towards those around them, that wants to control all others, is not someone you want to tell in person that they are losing control over you.
Then if possible, no contact is your best option afterwards.
This is the best way to leave. It’s not always possible if you have children with them. If this is the case, finding a safe way out, then grey rock.
With a narcissist, no contact is the best and most powerful way to move forward with your life, so you can clear your mind, gather your thoughts and start putting reality back in. It means they can no longer affect you when they do try to contact you. While you are not responding, the narcissist finds it a criticism. They know they are being ignored. If they keep messaging you and you don’t respond, this also causes them to feel significant criticism.
No contact can anger some narcissists more than others, as it questions their beliefs that they are special, it challenges their sense of entitlement, yet it helps you to recover. After a period of no contact, when they do try to reach out to you, you’ll be in a better place, it’ll not to let it affect you in the ways it used to, the narcissist may still try from time to time, but most narcissists will try to find another source of supply to replace you.
How does it affect those on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum when you end it with them? They find it a vast criticism; their inner rage and anger will rise. Especially if you’ve broken up with them, Do not do this in person, as they may react. As narcissists have lost control, they may destroy your property or lash out at you physically or with words. They just want to hurt you, as they feel criticism.
Those on the upper end of the spectrum of the narcissist personality disorder will be able to think at the moment and most likely attack more calculated later on.
If a narcissist has not discarded you, they find no contact a great criticism, as they hate losing control and power.
When you keep not responding, they feel a need to keep going until they get a response, as they have been intensely criticised they want to hurt you.
With a letter or message, or just merely leaving, you’ll not be in immediate￼ danger, although they may try and find you. Or send a barrage of messages. Some narcissists have less control over their rage and react before thinking of the best way forward.
The more you stick with no contact, they can feel weak and withdrawn, getting depressed. This is when you might get them messaging you with guilt trips. Pity plays. To pull on your caring, compassionate, empathetic side of wanting to reach out and help them, they will be trying to find a replacement.
If the narcissist finds someone new, they will, for the most part, leave you alone unless they can find a way of getting attention from the both of you, playing the victim to the new, smearing your name.
Those in the middle of the spectrum, if you tell them you are leaving in person, again, they will feel rage as they have been criticised. Yet, most have more control over their rage, so they might try pulling on your empathy and do the pity route to stop you from leaving if they’ve not got someone else lined up. They may even offer a false apology. Things like
”I’m sorry if you can help me.”
“You’re right. I need to stop neglecting you.”
“I’ll not know what to do without you.”
“Please let me put things right.”
“I know I need to change. Please, will you help me?”
”I’m sorry, you know what I’m like.”
Please add in comments any you heard. What they are saying is partly true, but only because they are feeling sorry for themselves. If they get you to stay, they’ll soon return to who they are. If the first tactic didn’t work, they’d move on.
“After all I’ve done for you.”
“This is how you treat someone who does so much for you.”
“You’re so selfish. You only care about yourself.”
”How could you, of all people.”
”I thought you loved me.”
”What about the children?”
”I can change.”
If this hasn’t worked, and they’ve not got someone else lined up, they’ll go and find someone. They will believe within themselves that they ended it with you.
If you go no contact, they will sulk off and start the smear campaign of why they left you. They smear others’ names as they will play the victim or the hero if needed, to ruin your reputation, character and name and escape the shame of what they do to you. You’ll be the horrible person they put up with for so long.
If you don’t tell them in person, some might call and message to beg you. They will seem genuinely remorseful. Yet again, this is just an act. Please look back at their true colours. They will not change.
If they’ve not got someone new and you’ve gone no contact, they will do their best to find one, and they rarely find it hard to find someone new.
With no contact, those in the middle of the spectrum are most likely to sulk and play the victim. With you and those around them, they should eventually leave you alone. They may come for the hoover, and once they realise you’re still no contact, they will just find new people.
The narcissistic sociopath or those on the higher end of the spectrum. If you tell them in person it’s over, they usually already know what you’re about to say. From your body language, they will look like they are listening. They just want to pick your words apart, to bait you into reaction. They will stay calm and plot. They’re taking note of your emotions. They will let you speak. They still find it a massive criticism. As they have greater control over their inner rage, they will just calculate their next move.
You may get.
“Why end it over a silly argument?”
“You’ll never find anyone as good as me.”
“Do you know how lucky you are to have me?”
“Let’s go away and make it better. Where would you like to go.”
“let’s get married. Let’s start a family.”
”I’ll go to counselling.”
And many more to try and prevent you from leaving.
They believe that you should feel privileged to be with them, and you’re crazy.
A narcissist will be more than happy to leave you. However, the narcissist does not want you to leave them. They want control. Although some on the spectrum of the disorder have less control over the rage, they all use it to try and prevent you from leaving.
If you do leave, they will go all out to destroy you, either helping you lose your job, planting drugs, or taking away your home. They will destroy everything. They are doing this hoping you go back, so it stops.
If you don’t tell them in person, they will feel weak that they didn’t realise you were leaving. They might try to hoover you back in.
With those on the middle to the higher end of the spectrum, these are the ones who’ll go for several hoovers.
If they succeed in drawing you back in, they will try to find a replacement to discard you. The more we go back, the worse their treatment of us becomes.
Your best chance with all narcissists is no contact, most will react as they feel criticised, but they will try and find someone new or go to the one they’ve already been seeing. More often than not, it’s only when they are failing with the new person that they try to come back to you. Either hoping you’re reminiscing about the good times, not healed and still, trauma bonding. Or to try and triangulate to get a rise out of their current partner.
This is just a guildline; although all narcissists have the same traits, the ones on the lower end of the spectrum have different tactics to those on the upper. Overts are more direct than the covert, and grandiose are more confident than fragile. However, they can all cross over, as no two narcissists are exactly the same. As they have a narcissistic personality disorder, they are very similar.
The two sides to a narcissist’s game after no contact.
Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.