Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
What happens when you end it with the narcissist. The best option is not to do this in person as you can never know truly how they will respond,
Then no contact is your best escape route afterwards.
This is your best way to escape, it’s not always possible if you have children with them, if this is the case, please see the grey rock post.
With a narcissist, no contact, is the best and most powerful way, to heal yourself, it means they can no longer affect you when they do try to contact you. While you are not responding, the narcissist finds it as a criticism, and know they are been ignored, if they keep messaging you and you don’t respond, this also causes them great criticism.
No contact angers the narcissist more than anything, yet it helps you to recover. After a period of no contact, when they do try to reach out to you, you’ll be recovered to not let it affect you, they may still try from time to time, but they will try and find someone to replace you.
How it affects the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum, they find it a huge criticism, their inner rage and anger will rise. Especially if you’ve broken up with them, Do not to do this in person, as they may react. As the narcissist has lost control, they may destroy your property, or lash out at you physically or with words. They just want to hurt you, as they feel criticism.
Those on the upper end of the spectrum of the narcissistic personality disorder will be able to think at the moment and attack later on.
If a narcissist has not discarded you, they find no contact as a great criticism, they hate losing control and power.
When you keep not responding, they feel a need to keep going until they get a response and they have been deeply criticised.
With a letter or message, or just simply leaving you’ll not be in imitate danger, although they may try and find you. Or send a barrage of messages, the lesser narcissist has less control of their rage and reacts before thinking of the best way forward.
The more you stick with no contact, they will feel week and withdrawal, getting depressed, this is when you might get them messaging you with threats of suicide, they will be trying to find a replacement.
If they find someone new, they will, for the most part, leave you alone.
The midrange narcissist, if you tell them your leaving in person, again they will feel rage as they have been criticised, yet they have control of their rage, so they might try pulling on your empathy and do the pity route to stop you leaving, if they’ve not got, someone else lined up, they may even apologise.
“ you’re right I need to stop neglecting you.”
“ I’ll not know what to do without you.”
“ please let me put things right.”
“ I know I need to change, please will you help me.”
Please add in comments any you heard. What they are saying is partly true, but only because they are feeling sorry for themselves, if they get you to stay, they’ll soon go back to who they are. If the first tactic didn’t work, they’ll move onto.
“ this is how you treat someone who does so much for you.”
“ you’re so selfish, you only care about yourself.”
If this hasn’t worked, and they’ve not got someone else lined up, they’ll go and find one. They will believe within themselves, that they ended it with you.
If you go no contact, they will sulk off and start the smear campaign, of why they left you. I do have a post on the smear campaign as they will play the victim if needed, you’ll be the horrible person, they put up with for so long.
If you don’t tell them in person, they will call and message to beg you. They will seem truly remorseful, yet again this is just an act, please look back at their true colours, they will not change.
If they’ve not got someone new and you’ve gone no contact, they will do their best to find one, they rarely find it hard to find someone new.
With no contact the midrange is most likely to sulk and play the victim, with you and those around them, they should eventually leave you alone. They may come for the hoover, once they realise, you’re still no contact they will just find new people.
The greater, if you tell them in person it’s over, they usually already know what you’re about to say, from your body language, they will look like they are listening, they are just wanting to pick your words apart, they will stay calm and plotting. They’re taking note of your emotions, they will let you speak. They still find it a massive criticism. As they have great control over their inner rage, the will just calculate their next move.
You may get.
“ why end it over a silly argument.”
“ you’ll never find anyone as good as me.” The lesser and midrange might say that too.
“ do you know how many people want to date me and how lucky you are to have me.”
They believe that you should feel privileged to be with them and your crazy.
The greater to will dangle a carrot of.
“ let’s go away and make it better, where would you like to go.”
“ I’d just brought a ring to propose to you.”
And many more, to try and prevent you from leaving.
The narcissist does not want you to leave them, they have to be in control, although the lesser has less control over the rage, they all use it to try and prevent you from leaving.
If you do leave they will go all out to destroy you, either helping lose your job, planting drugs, taking away your home, they will destroy everything. They are doing this in the hope you go back so it stops.
If you don’t tell them in person, they will feel weak that they didn’t realise you were leaving, they will try to hoover you back in.
With the great, these are the ones who’ll go for several hoovers.
If they succeed in drawing you back in they will try to find a replacement so they can discard you.
Your best chance will all narcissist is no contact, they will react as they feel criticised, but they will try and find someone new, or go to the one they’ve already been seeing, more often than not, it’s only when they are failing with the new person, that they try to come back to you. Either hoping you’re reminiscing about the good times, not healed and still, trauma bonding. Or to try and triangulate ( I have a post on this. ) to get a rise out of their current partner.
This is just a guild-line, although all narcissist have the same traits, the ones on the lower end of the spectrum have different tactics to those on the upper, overts are more direct than covert, grandiose are more confident than the vulnerable, although they can cross over as no two narcissists are exactly the same, as they have narcissistic personality disorder they are very similar.