Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
Why is it so hard to have a conversation with a narcissist?
A narcissist does not like it when you question them, as they believe in their eyes, they are the boss, they are superior to you. No questions needed from you about what they have or haven’t done, where they have and haven’t been, who they’ve been with. As they will never be accountable, it’ll always be turned around onto what you did or did not do, where you’ve been and who with.
To a narcissist, unless they want you to know, where they’ve been and who with then it is none of your business, they’ll often take questions as criticism. If you ask a question just to make a conversation with them, if you ask wanting to know, or if you ask because you’re demanding answers. This will trigger a reaction from them. They do not want you questioning them, if you’ve questioned them deliberately or not, they feel criticism of their rights to do as they please and their power over you slipping away. So they have to react to your question.
Even if you just ask to make conversation nothing more nothing less “ where have been? Did you had fun this evening?”
If your question in a calm none emotional manner, that inner rage they have will surface, then they lash out to them this is your fault, not only have you criticised them, you also didn’t provide any emotional attention.
They do class any form of questioning as them being accountable to you, which in their eyes, they are only responsible for themselves, no one else matters. They take this as them not entitled to do as they please, this angers them, their rage rises, and they have to strike back. They have to get their authority back and control back of you, and they also need your emotional reactions to heal the criticism they believe they have received from you.
If you ask in an angry or irritated way, they enjoy that they have gotten to you and are receiving emotional questioning from you.
If you ask why they’ve not washed the pots or cut the grass in an irritated manner, their inner rage isn’t always triggered as they know they’ve gotten to you, they are enjoying the emotional reactions. As you’ve challenged them, criticised them, they don’t like you questioning their authority, yet because of how you did it, they see an excellent opportunity to gain more emotions, and reactions from you.
They will never admit they are in the wrong, as they believe you are in the wrong, they will never let you settle a disagreement as you shouldn’t have questioned them in the first place, they are superior and don’t need to answer to you.
They will reject any questions you may ask that challenges their behaviour, they will not explain any truth to what has happened and not admit any fault, as they feel no need to do this. What they must do now is not resolve the situation, they must regain their power and control over you.
If you were to continue to question in a calm none emotional manner, that inner rage they have could surface, then they lash out to them this again is your fault, not only have you criticised them, you also didn’t provide any emotions.
They will evade any questions you ask.
You will never be able to have a normal conversation with a narcissist about anything within the relationship that concerns you. Their response is often, scary, puzzling, or plain old strange and confusing.
They will refuse to answer the question, to make you annoyed, angry and confused that you can not just have a straight forward conversation with them. They just have an instinctive response to any form of questioning, and some have a more calculated response. These are some ways you may have found they respond.
A few examples of how they may respond.
1. They might try the “how dare you, after everything I do for you.” which you then question what they actually do for you.
2. It could be the “ why can you not leave me alone, can we not just have a normal, simple, quiet life.” Even though you only asked if they’d had a good day, it’s just to leave you hurting, and confused.
3. They may completely change the conversation, the topic switch, to something like. “I think we need to buy a new car.” Or to something happening at work, or some gossip they’ve overheard. Which is usually a lie anyway. You will try to get it back to the original conversation, while they carry on deflecting.
4. To deflect by triangulation. They will shift the topic of conversation onto other people, away from them. To make the change in conversation onto talking about other people. Things like. “My ex never questioned me why are you?” which leaves you more questions and doubts as they said their ex was crazy, or things like their friend doesn’t get questioned from their partner.
5. Repeatedly interrupting you, telling you that In fact your not allowing them to get a word in edgewise, twisting it around onto you, again leaving you confused as it’s actually you that cannot get your point of view across. They will tell you that you’re raising your voice, you need to calm down, you need to think about how you’re speaking to them, completely winding you up more, again not actually engaging in the conversation that you started. So you have to start defending yourself to them, again they will twist it straight back at you.
6. They might just demand that the conversation is over, they’ve had enough of talking, to have the final say, they might spit in your face or push you. Then walk away from you.
7. After they’ve walked away, you may then receive the silent treatment, for as long as the narcissist wishes to do so.
8. They will raise their voice above yours, as you can not be heard, they feel you can not challenge them, leaving you in disappear, because you can not get your point of view across. They no longer hear what you say. Instead, they see your frustration and anger. They then lap up the emotions.
9. They might start questioning you about things you’ve done, that’s far worse, even if it is all their mind. So you end up defending yourself to their questioning.
Yet you may continue with them when they do these things because of your empathy, and you want the reality of what’s happened. You want to be heard and the narcissist to understand your point of view, finally, you want it settled and sorted mutually.
No need to wonder any more why this can never happen. They do these things and many more if you question them. To gaslight you, so you don’t know what happened, and it’s not sorted. To them it’s that you criticised them, they are in charge of you, they instinctively do it to protect themselves and regain control. Ride out the storm of the waves when they come at you, give no reactions you’ll not get the answers, look to yourself for the answers. Break free forever with no contact or grey rock, and live a happy life for you.
You can and you will.
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Video for how not to argue if you can not go no contact.