Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
A narcissist does not like it when you question them, they believe they are the boss, they are superior to you, in their eyes end of. No questions needed from you about what the have or haven’t done, where they have and haven’t been, who with. As they will never be accountable, it’ll always be turned around onto what you did or did not do, where you’ve been and who with.
To a narcissist, unless they want you to know, where they’ve been and who with is none of your business, they’ll often take questions as criticism. If you ask to make a conversation, if you ask wanting to know, or if you ask because you’re demanding answers. This will trigger a reaction from them. They do not want you questioning them, if you’ve questioned them deliberately or not, they feel criticism of their rights to do as they please and their power over you slipping away. So they have to react to your question.
Even if you just ask to make conversation nothing more nothing less “ where have you had fun this evening?”
If your question in a calm none emotional manner, that inner rage they have will surface, then they lash out to them this is your fault, not only have you criticised them, you also didn’t provide any emotions.
They class any form of questioning as them being accountable to you, which in their eyes, they are only accountable for themselves, no one else matters. They take this as their not entitled to do as they please, this angers them, their rage rises and they have to strike back. They have to get their authority back and control back of you, they also need your emotional reactions to heal the criticism they believe they received.
If you ask in an angry or irritated way, they enjoy that they have gotten to you and are receiving emotional questioning from you.
If you ask why they’ve not washed the pots or cut the grass in an irritated manner, their inner rage isn’t always triggered as they know they’ve gotten to you, they are enjoying the emotional reactions. As you’ve challenged them, criticised them, they don’t like you questioning their authority, yet because of the manner in which you did it, they see a great opportunity to gain more emotions, and reactions.
They will never admit they are in the wrong, as they believe you are, they will never let you settle a disagreement as you shouldn’t have questioned them in the first place, they are superior and don’t need to answer to you.
They will reject any questions you may ask that challenges their behaviour, they will not explain any truth to what has happened and not admit they are wrong, as they feel no need to do this. What they must do now is not resolve the situation, they must regain their power and control over you.
If you were to continue to question in a calm none emotional manner, that inner rage they have will surface, then they lash out to them this is your fault, not only have you criticised them, you also didn’t provide any emotions.
They will evade any questions you ask.
You will never be able to have a normal conversation with a narcissist about anything within the relationship that concerns you. Their response is often, scary, puzzling, or plain old strange and confusing.
They will refuse to answer the question, to make you annoyed, angry and confused that you can not just have a straight forward conversation with them. They just have an instinctive response to any form of questioning, some have a more calculated response. These are some ways you may have found they respond.
A few examples of how they may respond.
Number 1. They might try the “how dare you, after everything I do for you.” which you then question what they do, actually do for you.
number 2. It could be the “ why can you not leave me alone, can we not just have a normal, simple, quiet life.” Even though you only asked if they’d had a good day, it’s just to leave you hurting, and confused.
number 3. They may completely change the conversation, to something like. “I think they need to buy a new car.” Or to something happening at work, or some gossip they’ve overheard. Which is usually a lie anyway. You will try to get it back to the original conversation, whilst they carry on deflecting.
number 4 To deflect by triangulation. They will shift the topic of conversation onto other people, away from them. to make the conversation shift onto talking about other people. Things like. “My ex never questioned me why are you.” which leaves you more questions and doubts as they said their ex was crazy, or their friend doesn’t get questioned from their partner.
number 5. Repeatedly interrupt you, telling you that In fact your not allowing them to get a word in edgewise, twisting it around onto you, leaving you confused as it’s actually you that cannot get your point of view across. They will tell you that you’re raising your voice, you need to calm down, you need to think about how you’re speaking to them, completely winding you up more, again not actually engaging in the conversation that you started. So you have to start defending yourself to them, again they’ve twisted it straight back at you.
number 6. They might just demand that the conversation is over, they’ve had enough of talking, get one last reaction from you, along with the lines of spit in your face or push you. Then walk away from you.
number 7. After they’ve walked away you may then receive the silent treatment, for as long as the narcissist wishes to do so.
number 8. They will raise their voice above yours, as you can not be heard, they feel you can not challenge them, leaving you in disappear, because you can not get your point of view across. They no longer hear what you say, instead, they see your frustration and anger. They lap up the emotions.
Number 9. They might start questioning you about things you’ve done, that’s far worse, even if it is all their mind. So you end up defending yourself to their questioning.
Yet you may continue with them when they do these things because of your empathy, you want the reality of what’s happened. You want to be heard and the narcissist to understand your point of view, finally, you want it settled and sorted mutually.
No need to wonder any more why this can never happen. They do these things and many more if you question them. So you don’t know what happened and it’s not sorted. To them it’s that you criticised them, they are in charge of you, they instinctively do it to protect themselves and regain control. Ride out the storm of the waves when they come at you, give no reactions you’ll not get the answers, look to yourself for the answers. Break free forever with no contact or grey rock, and live a happy life for you.
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Video for how not to argue if you can not go no contact.