Moving on after a narcissist, a little about red flags.
So the best advice when you met someone new after a narcissist relationship and you have trouble trusting if they are genuine or not, look to see if they are paying you flattery or genuine compliments, which I go into detail about in this. Slow down, don’t be around them all the time. Don’t be afraid they may leave, if they do you’ve had a lucky escape as they were probably a narcissist. Someone who genuinely cares likes and respects you, that knows who they are will be happy to take it slow. Take time to really get to know each other. People show their true colours over time to allow them time. Resisting the urge to see what you want to see. Observe their communication skills with you and those around them. Make sure all their ex’s are not crazy. Yes, we can all have one or two crazy ex’s, but all of them? How do they treat friends and family? Are they constantly bombarding you with attention?
Are they offering you excessive flattery? Are they expecting it back?
Most people often wonder how they got sucked in with the narcissist in the first place. Why they didn’t realise sooner what was happening to them. With a narcissists tactics, the abuse isn’t obvious. In fact at first, the relationship looks really nice. It’s a careful setout route of tactics that they use. To draw you in them spit you out. Get your trauma bonded so they can draw you back in again and again.
Study’s show your brain actually gets high om dopamine, with the intensity at the start.
There is a difference between flattery and complimenting its not the same thing.
A compliment is saying something nice out of respect and admiration not expecting anything in return.
Complimenting is a genuine expression of admiration it’s given freely, spontaneously, is very natural.
Flattery is shallow praise often calculated very mechanical and expecting something in return. Some form of trust seeking with the other person and a need for approval.
The dictionary describes flattery as excessive and insincere praise. Having an ulterior motive.
So when someone is flattering you they want something from you. If you think of it as someone stroking your ego to get their needs met.
When you first meet a narcissist you will get the intense golden period. They want to spend all their time with you. They like all the things you do. When they are not with you, they will message, call, ring you constantly. They always want to know what you are doing trying to secure your love and trust. During the golden period, they will constantly be faltering you. They get you addicted to being around them. All the flattery and dedication, so they can get all the praise. All their own need met. They are simply warming you up with the golden period. They will also learn what your insecurities and vulnerabilities are so they can home in on them.
So they are getting you to let your sense of approval come from them.
You get so used to being around them and all of the attention they give you. Then soon enough you learn all is not what it seems. As it starts with subtle digs then turns into constant criticism, yet when the doubts creep in boom that golden period is back. Sometimes only for a day or two, just enough for you to doubt yourself and think it’s was you.
So you need to be aware, or when people are genuinely complementing you and saying something nice to you, or when they have an ulterior motive. To get you to give them something or do something for them. So it’s learning to recognise flattery and resist the urge to melt into that Person because of the flattery. You need to have your own self-confidence and self-esteem and not rely on another to give you that.
The golden period can go on for weeks, months or years. Which depends on the narcissist trying to work out if they can keep you hooked or if you’re going to work out what’s going on. Not all of them know they have a narcissist personality disorder. Nevertheless, they all work with the same golden period and manipulation tactics. They want someone to blame for all that’s wrong with them, they want to lose that self-doubt by gaining control over you and making you doubt yourself. To make excuses for them. To always forgive them.
A narcissist can not survive without flattery and attention that’s why they give you so much at first. So they get it in return then eventually, when they are not getting enough in return, the golden period ends it will start slow but soon they will be putting you down, constant criticism, lots of negativity and humiliation toward you. Until they get what they want from you.
I have a blog on how they draw you in which is an interesting read to see how they do it, through mirroring you etc.