Moving on after a narcissist, a little bit about red flags.
The best advice when you met someone new after a narcissist relationship, and you are having trouble trusting if they are genuine or not, know your standards and do not let them drop, know your values, and beliefs. Create your boundaries as these become deal breakers, never settle for less than you deserve, know your value and take your time.
Look to see if they are paying you flattery or genuine compliments. Slow down, don’t be around them all the time. Don’t be afraid they may leave. If they do, you’ve had a lucky escape as they were not for you anyway. Someone who genuinely cares, likes, and respects you, that knows who they are, will be happy to take it slow. Take time to really get to know each other. People show their true colours over time so allow them time. Resisting the urge to see what you want to see. Observe their communication skills with you and those around them. Make sure all their exes are not crazy. Yes, we can all have one or two crazy exes, but all of them? How do they treat friends and family? Are they continually bombarding you with attention?
Are they offering you excessive flattery? Are they expecting it back?
Most people often wonder how they got sucked in with the narcissist in the first place. Why they didn’t realise sooner what was happening to them. With narcissists tactics, the abuse isn’t obvious. In fact, at first, the relationship looks really nice. It’s a careful setout route of tactics that they use. To draw you in them spit you out. Get you trauma bonded so they can draw you back in again and again.
Study’s show your brain actually gets high on dopamine, with the intensity at the start.
There is a difference between flattery and compliment; it’s not the same thing.
A compliment is saying something nice out of respect and admiration, not expecting anything in return.
Complimenting is a genuine expression of admiration. It’s given freely, spontaneously. It is very natural.
Flattery is shallow praise, often calculated very mechanical and expecting something in return. Some form of a trust seeking with the other person and a need for approval.
The dictionary describes flattery as excessive and insincere praise. Having an ulterior motive.
So when someone is flattering you, they want something from you, if you think of it as someone stroking your ego to get their needs met.
When you first meet a narcissist, you will get the intense love-bombing the idealisation stage. They want to spend all their time with you. They mirror you. They like all the things you do. When they are not with you, they will message, call, ring you constantly. They always want to know what you are doing, trying to secure your love and trust. During the idealisation stage, they will continuously be faltering you. They will be asking all about what you want and creating that fake future with you. They get you addicted to being around them. All the flattery and dedication, so they can get all the praise. All to get their own needs met. They are merely warming you up with the love bombing. They will also learn what your insecurities and vulnerabilities are so they can home in on them and later use them against you.
So they are getting you to let your sense of approval come from them.
You get so used to being around them and all of the attention they give you. Then soon enough, you learn all is not what it seems. As it starts with subtle digs, then turns into constant criticism, yet when the doubts creep in, boom, that idealisation stage is back, false promises, future faking. Sometimes only for a day or two, just enough for you to doubt yourself and think it’s like you.
So you need to be aware of when people are genuinely complimenting you and saying something nice to you or when they have an ulterior motive. To get you to give them something or do something for them. So it’s learning to recognise flattery and resist the urge to melt into that Person because of the flattery. You need to create and build your own self-confidence and self-esteem and not rely on another to give you that.
The love bombing can go on for weeks, months or years, which depends on the narcissist trying to work out if they can keep you hooked or if you’re going to work out what’s going on. Not all of them know they have a narcissist personality disorder. Nevertheless, they all work with the same manipulation tactics. They want someone to blame for all that’s wrong with them. They want to lose that self-doubt by gaining control over you and making you doubt yourself. To make excuses for them. To always forgive them.
A narcissist finds it difficult to survive without a supply of attention. That’s why they give you so much at first. So they get it in return, then eventually, when they are not getting enough in return, the idealisation ends it will start slow, soon they will be putting you down, constant criticism, lots of negativity and humiliation towards you until they get what they want from you.
Nine types of people you should never trust.
Ten methods to avoid narcissists.
Why we attract narcissists.
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The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.
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All about the narcissist Online course.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.