Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
If the narcissist has more than one child they will assign them roles. The scapegoat child and the golden child.
There are no hard and fast rules, some narcissist will give them clear roles, sometimes they can cross over to which gets the role on a day to day basis depending on which one is pleasing the narcissist at that moment. If a child speaks up they’ll idolise the other child and make the one that spoke up the scapegoat.
They do like to triangulate the children against each other without the children knowing, gaining emotions from the children, yes you’ve got it just another way the narcissist manipulates those around them.
They just love to drive a wedge between anyone and everyone including their own children. The children will not know they’re been played off against each other, they’ll know there is conflict but will be confused as to why. as the narcissist never directly does things it’s all calculated and manipulation. The narcissist just wants everyone around them against each other and all for them. its a case of Abuse by proxy.
They will get the golden child to gang up with them against the scapegoat,
The narcissist will get the golden child to help with the abuse towards the scapegoat child.
The narcissist will try and get the scapegoat and golden child to dislike each other. They will do all they can to drive a wedge.
The golden child will be pushed to perform and achieve and when they don’t achieve to the narcissist standards there will be ridicule, criticism and punishment. They use these same tactics to also push them to do what they want them to do. The children lose their sense of self as they’re too busy trying to be what the parent wants them to be. The golden child gets treated so well when they achieve that they don’t always grow to see what’s happening which is why limited contact for the golden child is best. This will be really had as the golden child will take longer to realise that it’s not true love the narcissist shows them. Having one parent that shows them true love will help them achieve the realisation sooner. The golden child aims to please as they don’t want the harsh words, silent treatment or punishment. They end up with no self-worth. The narcissist will say things like “how dare you to be proud you only got an A it should have been an A*”
The scapegoat is usually the rebel child that will not conform to the narcissist manipulation. They will get constant criticism over anything and everything although they usually grow to achieve a better sense of self. Self-esteem, self-awareness and clarity. They will often call the narcissist out on what they’ve said or done/ not done. The scapegoat works it out first because they don’t get any of the love bombing. The narcissist will say things like “ how can you be proud of your rubbish at everything you need to work harder”
When the children have constant scrutiny, lack of privacy, constantly been played off against each other. Constantly been provoked. The narcissist causing arguments that the children don’t even know what it was about and end up feeling confused. They unknowingly play into the narcissist’s hand as they’ll deflect onto the sibling because they’re hoping they’re not going to get all the harsh words themselves. That’s the whole game the narcissist is playing they just want everyone to please the narcissist.
It’s no better or worse if the child is the scapegoat or the golden child, they can both feel anxious. They both develop self-doubt from constant criticism. They are getting phycological whiplash, they don’t know if today’s going to be good or bad. Both children can be going along having a great day, then all of a sudden boom the narcissist goes on one for no reason giving them phycological whiplash.
Whatever the children do is never enough for the narcissist.
The narcissist will pit everyone against each other. The overt narcissist will say to children “ why can you not be more like them, they’re so much better than you” the covet will do it in more subtle ways. The goal for the narcissist is divided and conquer, divided everyone around them and so everyone looks to them. They’ll create problems out of know where then have their own solutions which is what they wanted in the first place. They don’t want people to unite as then they’ll know that they are and a narcissist can not stand exposure.
They will go to any lengths to keep the divide going. They will happily set people up without them even knowing.
The sibling can get through this together. With one positive parent, they will learn what is positive people and what is negative, they will learn with your help to unit against the narcissist from a young age. As you’ll be telling them to be kind to each other and look out for each other. They will see it for what it is in their own time so stay strong.
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Video for more information on the scapegoat child.