Overcoming narcissistic abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The narcissist just wants emotions from you there are 7 stages that you go through during the relationship, whilst they achieve this.
Stage 1 seduction. Everything is perfect in the beginning, they are loving, kind, considerate, making you laugh, generous with time and money, you have everything in common with them. They are mirroring you, they use borrowed love quotes, it’s an incredibly intense relationship. It’s powerful and effective and you fill them with positive emotions.
Stage 2 devaluation. They believe your positive emotions, are not as good as it was in the beginning and of course to them, it’s all your fault, so they take action against you to get other emotions, negative energy. By treating you badly, provoking you, shouting at you, silent treatment, gaslighting they want you to shout in anger, cry from frustration.
Stage 3 rest-bite, they don’t want to keep the devaluation up for too long as they don’t want you to leave yet, and they have not yet managed to find someone new to move onto, they don’t want you to malfunction on them, so they start the golden period again and because you’re so full of relief and joy. Your positive emotions are overflowing to them, your doubts are gone. The person you met is back, relationships have there ups and downs. Because of the narcissist manipulation, you believe it was down to you, so you work harder at the relationship, trying to please them more and more. Whilst slowly losing yourself. It’s them convincing you that the person you met is still there, the rough patch was down to you. They will alternate between stage two and three for as long as they can. To confuse you and keep you hooked on them. Because they do that and you’re all over the place your negative and positive emotions are heightened towards them. This could last from a couple of years to thirty plus years. You get everything amazing than everything miserable to keep you confused.
Stage 4 the preventive. The point of no return, you may have got outside help from a friend or professional that knows what’s happening to you, you may have had enough and want out, you just know you need out. You may warn them your thinking of leaving, so they’ll go overboard on the golden period, they may want you to pity them. They will promise to change. You are delighted they want to change and do all you can to help. This is all an act of course because they can not have you leave them. Oh no, they need to leave you. So they’ll be looking like they’re working out. Because they are you try to giving them more positive emotions, whilst they in the background try to find a replacement for you. Which when they start cheating will leave you all confused as to how they are acting again.
Stage 5. Discard, they up and leave, you were working it all out together so now you’ve no idea what’s going on. You see they have someone new. You might know what they are now and try to warn the new person. The narcissist loves this as they have already told the new person all about you. Or should I say all about themselves but of course a narcissist is never accountable so it’s all you. So to the new person, you do actually look crazy as they’ve already told them you’ll do anything to get them back.
Stage 6. The return, when the new one isn’t working out, they try to approach you. Seeking forgiveness, saying how they were not thinking clearly, they need your help. All done to con you to try again. If they ended it they believe you want them back. If you ended it they believe you’ll be pleased that they want you to help them.
Stage 7 the return, this is because the last time you left them for good and they know you’ve left for good, they know all the no contact, they’re hoping your trauma bonded. As you refuse. They will threaten you, smear your name, everything they can to provoke a reaction from you. No matter how many years have past.
If you’re out no matter what they throw your way or send their flying monkeys at you, No contact always. Limited grey rock if co-parenting. Work on yourself, giving yourself a positive mindset, baby steps to get to where you want your future to be, stay strong and keep going, you’ve got this.