What is and how to handle the narcissists smear campaign.
The smear campaign is the narcissist’s protection as they lie to others about what we’ve been doing to them, which indeed is most often precisely what they did to us.
The smear campaign is when a narcissist wants to destroy you any way they can.
”When they can no longer control you, they will try and control how others see you.”
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
A narcissist will do this through exaggeration, twisting the story of what they did to you, yet telling others you did to them, lies, slander, half-truths, spreading rumours and much, much more.
The narcissist uses the smear campaign so that they can keep their toxic behaviours hidden from society, so we look like we’re jealous and either wanting the narcissist back or wanting to seek revenge on the narcissist. They use the smear campaign to make us look like we’re crazy or obsessed with them. They will either play the hero that tried so hard to help us, and we are often left looking and acting depressed, a shell of our former selves, or they’ll be playing the victim of how we’ll no longer allow them to see their children or that we abused them, they’ll exploit others by using their empathy against them. They’ll be telling all those who’ll listen everything that they did to us, only they’ll be making out to others that we did to them. So they shift the blame and walk free from any responsibility.
They will tell people who gossip first to spread their manipulative lies further. They are twisting the story to play the victim and gain attention in any way they can.
A narcissist will most often blame those around them for what’s gone wrong within their own life. Some will say the ex abused them. Most will go for the ex is crazy, the ex will not let them go, the ex stalks them, which those exes might very well be acting like making the narcissists lies more believable, this is often due to the trauma bond and the fact that most narcissists just up and leave, moving straight onto the new with no closure.
There’s always more than one side to a story. There are also those screenshots, and when ALL the exes are crazy, ask yourself. What was the common denominator? Just like a leopard will not change its spots, a narcissist will not change their ways, their lies yes, their partners yes, their masks yes. Change their ways NO. They have a disorder narcissistic personality disorder. It’s who they are.
The smear campaign is a method the narcissist uses so they can escape any accountability. They can often start the smear campaign before the relationship is even over, and we often have no idea it’s happening. They can be triangulating us with friends and family without us even knowing. Nobody ruins a special occasion like a narcissist not being the centre of attention, as many a narcissist believes they are special and requires excessive attention, so if the occasion isn’t about them, they can go all out to ruin, to either make you feel anger, resentment, frustration before you even hit the event, then once there the narcissist will become their life soul of the party. At the same time, you look fed up, and they’ll be telling everyone how you didn’t want to go, they’ll be events you knew nothing about, and the narcissist will have blamed you in some way for why you didn’t turn up to an important family celebration, this all helps with their future smear campaigns.
You might be having a conversation with someone who brings up the event you knew nothing about. If you ask the narcissist, they’ll either lie about it or lie some more.
Often the first we know about the smear campaign is long after it’s started, our boss calling us in over a phone call from someone about lies that we have to explain away.
Their family and friends cutting us off, and our friends and family cutting us off as narcissists will go all out to isolate us from any form of support.
The narcissist can smear you to theirs and your friends, the narcissist’s family members, and yours throughout the relationship. They will be most likely to try and get your friends on their side before they discard.
With your neighbours, we all know what a narcissist can be like inside the home. Yet, outside the home, they might be charming all those neighbours into thinking how wonderful they are and how negative you are. Some will also be trying to move in with a single neighbour just to cut you a little deeper.
Children, if you have children together, most narcissists do not co-parent. They counter parent, any game or stunt they can pull to get at you. They don’t care for the damage they cause to the children’s minds so long as they are getting to you.
The new partners, they’ll be painting you out to be the crazy, depressed, the abusive one, and trying to provoke you in any way they can so your actions match their stories, and they gain sympathy.
Work, they will make snide comments about your co-workers, your boss to you, to create a hostile environment at work for you, as you begin to doubt those people you work with. Some even go to the extent of calling your workplace sometimes under the false pretences of helping you, others in obvious ways of trying to destroy you, might be obvious to you what they are doing, might not be so obvious to your work.
Court. A favourite smear tactic game of a narcissist is further Emotional and financial abuse through the court system. Excessive divorce proceedings or child custody arrangements, always breaking court orders, using whatever they can against you, lies, exaggerations, smear campaigns to sink you.
Some lies they might use in their smear campaign.
1. They might say you have a drinking problem. Many a person who’s been in a narcissistic relationship, often due to anxiety, can turn to drinking. The narcissist will happily exaggerate, to those close, the narcissist’s version of events look believable because the narcissist will completely miss out on the part they played, they never explain how they provoke people, the narcissist will only ever discuss how you reacted, and most victims blame themselves in the beginning, and a conversation would usually begin with “If I hadn’t they wouldn’t.” A Narcissist only wants to discuss what you did wrong. They might say you have a gambling issue, going to the bookies. If you like the odd bet, they’ll exaggerate as to how you’ve blown all their money. If you’ve gained a little weight, they’ll blame it on your addiction to take away food, as they have already told people that you’re no longer taking care of them, the children, or the home, long before the relationship is over, and often with anxiety, depression and CPTSD, you might be struggling, the narcissist will not tell people how they helped you struggle, only how they tried their best but had to walk away, often the narcissist will have walked straight into the arms, home and family life of another, playing the victim of how you didn’t care for them, are jealous of their the new relationship, will not allow them to see the children, even though they’ve not even bothered to ask how those children are, and while your left picking up those pieces for the children, the narcissist will happily start court proceedings so that they can continue their smear campaign and abuse through the family courts.
2. Money, they will tell people they worked hard every single day to provide for the family, that they had to leave the home they own for the sake of the children having a roof over their heads. Only the narcissist never owned that home. Just like they’ll inform the new supply after you, they owned yours. Yet, the narcissist will claim they did the right thing by you leaving you there. Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist needing somewhere to live. If the narcissist owns the home, they’ll do all they can to get you out of it while lying to others about how you’re a gold digger and how you spent all their money. Anything you were lucky enough to buy, the narcissist will claim they did. The narcissist will either not work and sponge off you while twisting the story to those around them, asking for you not to work, barely giving you enough money to survive or financial abuse you. Again if you’ve been with a narcissist, you probably already know they try to bleed you dry.
3. The narcissist will tell people that you’re crazy, that something is wrong with you. They might say things like. “they’ve got mental issues. I’ve tried to help, but they’ll not listen. I don’t know what else to do.” Yet again, they entirely miss out on what they’ve done to drive you that way and are indeed talking about themselves. They will happily discuss the times you’ve reacted. Some will even get you in to see the doctors or councillors claiming to help, while it’s all supporting their smear campaign against you. Once you wake from all the narcissist’s hideous gaslighting, the more you try to point out to those people the narcissist has already got their version of events across to that it’s them and not you, the crazier you look. Let’s face it, and it’s hard enough for us that have lived it to wrap our heads around, so those who haven’t have the narcissist lies that we once fell for. If we don’t get our emotions in check, which as narcissistic abuse can cause brain damage is difficult to start, those people also have our behaviour which is why staying out of the smear campaigns is your best line of defence. It’s difficult as it’s human nature to want to defend ourselves and set the story straight, yet with the narcissist’s manipulation of others, when we do, our actions often match their words. When we don’t, their words are just smoke without the fire. Sometimes no response is the best response, and people don’t always like this as they feel staying silent turns them into narcissistic behaviour. Always treat people how you want to be treated, then if they can not treat you that way in return, communicate with them the only way they understand, the way they do you, silence or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” They do these things to hurt people. We do them to heal ourselves from all the abuse they put us through.
4. They’ll talk to anyone who will listen, and the lies those narcissists tell are their truths. The narcissist will make up stuff you’ve said about them behind their back, Triangulation, divide and conquer. If you’ve been with a narcissist, you know they are incredibly jealous and envious of all others and happily talk about them behind their backs. Again they are often describing themselves, their thoughts and their feelings. What people say about others says more about themselves than it ever will that other person.
5. They will happily twist the story, and their story will be their truth. They will claim you cheated on them. You lied to them. You hurt them. You abused them. You stole from them. You never helped them, you don’t give them any love or affection, how they’ve tried time and time again to keep the family together. As they believe they are special and requires excessive attention, even when you’re walking on eggshells doing all you can for them, it’s never enough. As they want power and success and they want to be in control, if they feel they are losing control of you, they will go all out to blame you. As they lack cognitive reflection skills, their lies often become their truths.
6. They will tell others that all they did to you, you did too them, that you’re abusive, they will tell people how badly you treated them, not letting them have any money, not letting them have their say, not letting them go out with friends, always stalking their phone, ( which you may have done if you suspected they were cheating.) not looking after the home or children correctly. ( which might have happened to some who end up with anxiety and depression due to the narcissist’s manipulation and gaslighting.) Not showing any affection to them. Locking them out of the house ( which you may have done out of fear.) They will give a long list while making out how good they were putting up with you. Not letting them see the children ( which might be the case if safeguarding is too great.) They will either tell you all the things that they did to you yet twist the fact you did it to them, or they’ll tell how you reacted while missing out on the part of what they did in the first place to cause your reactions.
You can not stop them before they begin as you’ve not worked out what they are or what they are doing.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
What can you do now?
1. The best response is to ignore it all, it’s hard when everyone seems to be talking about you, and the narcissist wants your reaction to help with their lies. By giving no reaction, people soon find something else to gossip about. The fact you’ve not even paid any attention to it will genuinely anger the narcissist. They know it works best when you react, as you may appear to look crazy and match the narcissist’s slanderous words. Rise above and heal yourself. The narcissist will always be stuck with themselves, repeating the same pattern of destructive behaviour, and you can walk free.
2. Any evidence you have, videos, messages, or third-party witnesses, show those you’ve been smeared too, especially in the workplace and, if possible, in front of the narcissist, as no one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do. Or if the narcissist is lying about things you or someone else has said, if possible, ask the narcissist about this in a safe environment with all parties involved in the triangulation present, but let people make their own minds up. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to explain and defend ourselves. The narcissist will have forced their opinion on them without actual evidence, and you can show them and let them make their own minds up.
3. If people ask you, remember often they just want to get gossip, just say. ”yes, they’re my past. I’m looking towards my future now.” “Yes, they always liked to control how people think. I know they tell lies. I’m not interested in listening to or defending myself. The truth will go out one day,” this will stop them from spreading more gossip. You could add if they are, “the police are looking into it.” Or the ”wow, this is fascinating, almost movie-like, I’m on the edge of my seat, please tell me what I did next.” Gossips usually get confused by this response, as they are looking for more gossip from you. Do not defend yourself to others. It doesn’t work; the narcissist gets in there first. People asking questions are only interested in more gossip. Instead, concentrate on helping yourself heal. They will always carry on being a narcissist and not change. Yet people will see how much happier you are without them, and they will then make their own judgment call. Keep your mind focused on your life, the things you can sort out, the things you can do, and the things you can help yourself with. Keep your mind on your future, not your past. With some of those narcissist games and lies, try to find the funny side and laugh it off. Others talk to people who understand and support and call authorities.
4. If you need support, only talk to the really good friends you trust. Or online help to recover. Do not talk about it to those who believe the narcissist lies. Who’s blaming you and believing them? You know better than anybody how well a narcissist can lie and manipulate. So don’t hate them. They’ve just been used by the narcissist. Unfortunately, they will learn in their own time just how toxic the narcissist is, and we can not show them. People do have to learn for themselves.
5. Remember, Learning to stop emotionally reacting to the narcissist, do not let them know it’s bothering you, hard yes, but narcissistic people thrive off attention; if they’re getting no reaction, they may switch tactics. The less you play their games, especially in the smear campaign, the less you play into their hands, the less they have to twist and use against you and the more they will look to find attention elsewhere.
6. The best response is to ignore it all, it’s hard when everyone seems to be talking about you, and the narcissist wants your reaction to help with their lies. By giving no reaction, people soon find something else to gossip about. The fact you’ve not even paid any attention to it will genuinely anger the narcissist. They know it works best when you react, as you may appear to look crazy and match the narcissist’s slanderous words. Rise above and heal yourself.
7. Remember, you can not control what the narcissist does. You can not control what the narcissist flying monkeys think of you. Just work on talking to yourself kindly. Those who judge have their own insecurities, and those who cling to gossip have their own faults, don’t blame the flying monkeys. Most are unwittingly under the narcissist’s spell, with the narcissist’s poison infecting them like a virus. They are being manipulated just like you once were, do not judge them, just leave them be.
The narcissist will always be stuck with themselves, repeating their same pattern of destructive behaviour, and you can walk free.
How narcissists bait you into the smear campaign.
Check these out!
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.-1
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
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Reactive Abuse.
Video for triangulation.
Hi I’m blown away a bit ab how true these words are. My person beat the crap out of me and pulled out a weapon on me, and I took pics and video of the damage. This happened at a surprise wkend get away in mountains, he had been drinking aswell. My question is,… he left me stranded in a diff State and I saw him once more to swap our personal things bk. We broke up! But he left me in the relationship. Weird to say. What I mean is that he left me b4 I cld end things. So I’m struggling with alone mostly. And now saying how I am nothing to him and I’m crazy nuts. How I need in a place where I can color w my toes. How do I handle this? I lost my husband 3.5 yrs ago and this was my 1st person. I feel abandoned. I am a firefighter/medic and former military woman. Stronge, so I know better so to speak. Why am I struggling privately ab hin leaving me? I shld be grateful I’m alive. RIGHT? I’m pretty sure this is still Abuse of some kind. Then I’m Stubborn as crap and an Aries so I must prove myself and my point! I’ve been that since childhood. It’s my Integrity! It’s very import to me. It’s what I live by daily… How do I fix me? My thought process? Thanks in advance.
Hello Jodi, they pull in the strongest of people with their manipulative mind games, and many fool psychologists. You are far from alone in being independent, strong and wise, yet still getting manipulated by these people. It’s nothing you did, just kind, caring loving people that want to see the good in others. It is normal to feel how you do when they are the ones to end it. You are already looking for what you can be grateful for so you as many have the strength of character to move past this experience. Being passionate and wanting others to understand your point of view even if they don’t agree is healthy, keep those boundaries.
This video should help on your thought process.
https://youtu.be/K8ZrQ8d3i6s
Jodi, ignore him. That will piss him off the most and will stop his control of you. Do NOT ENGAGE. As a military woman, you know that not engaging is sometimes the best and only tactic. Ignore ignore ignore!!!!!!!!! Then he will find someone else to bother. Please please please, block him and move on with your life.
So true! Ignoring someone like that drives them nuts.
Move on and don’t ever give them another moment in time.
That will drive them crazy and move on, dont look back. Stop wanting closer, he beat you up, isn’t that enough?,,,
Steve Harvey always said, ” never ask a man to tell you they don’t want you twice!” No kidding!
Have a great life looking forward!
This is very good advice!
Forgive them in your heart so you can heal, and remember- you can’t reason with crazy!!!
There is a narcissist in my family who likes to gossip. I just ignore them, although this has been difficult in the past. I am a happy person, I hate gossip or rumours. I continue to be my usual happy, positive self; which really annoys them. Others in the family think he is just confident and opinionated; I know different. Every conversation is about him. He is always the victim and is critical of others constantly. Deep down he is a very sad, jealous and controlling man.
Wow…I didn’t quite get this until I saw full open — this is exactly my youngest daughter ! I couldn’t ever understand what had happened to her to make her so vile and bitter. I’m in shock as I heard the first video. This is her!! She was always so jealous of me. I never understood? I love all of my children and would do anything for them. But upon returning from China, she said she burned my belongings I had at her house. I couldn’t believe it! It was a hoorinle shock. Several friends went and got my things( she did not burn them!) and brought them to me. She stole other things she wants from my belongings. Like purses, chairs?? I didn’t quite u derstabf. When I began to say no years ago because of an illness, that’s when it got really bad. I never thought this of her. And just now, it came full face to me. I’m so sad for her. I’m just really blown away right now. She verbally attacked me in front of my famil at Christmas. I kept my peace and tried to calm her. Everyone saw. I didn’t understand this behavior. It concerned me. I thought I must be such a stupid mom. I felt what have I done. I’ve been living in a nightmare. Really. I’m crying right now writing this ! Wow….she told something to her sister and her sister literally pushed me. I peed my pants in shock. It’s been 3 years. I’ve just now gotten clear from you. I can’t believe this. I’ve been living a horrible life trying to figure out how my beautiful daughter could even think of this type behavior- toward anyone, and I’m her Moma.
Wow. My heart is breaking right now. I’m just so sad. And I tried with all my power to run to her beckon call … what now can I do? She’s not beenin my life for 3 years n she said she would take her children away. She did. They loved me so much. I miss them terribly.
What do I do now? How can I heal ? Even though I don’t see them, my heart breaks for them. Actually, I was thinking of doing harm to myself that I may have done something I was t aware of??? I’ve searched my heart. Idk what I had done? I loved her so much. Where do I start to get me back ? ~<3
Hi Jodi,
My ex husband, a narcissist, left me before I could leave him. He did it in the absolutely cruelest way possible. He wanted to break me. He almost did. The ONLY think that pulled me through was ignoring him. He spread the craziest, unimaginable lies about me. Filth. I ignored it all. Fighting would have broken me. He still tries to pull me in. He’s blocked on my phone, Facebook, IG. He can only email. My responses, if absolutely necessary, are businesslike. No emotion. Good luck. You’ll get through. It’s so much better without them
Don’t sweat it girl. They unmask themselves in the end.
You need to release yourself from the need to prove anything about yourself to him. I’m working on the same thing as well with my partner
Hello Jodi, Today I publicly exposed my narcissist on Facebook and enablers on Facebook in a way that everyone has no option, but to read, understand, see the proof, and get off my back. I posted stories, pictures, documents so they can’t deny it. Then I found your website. I understand your message but as I read I felt like you must have been a fly on the wall during the last 4 years. Hopefully this will stop my wife and her cronies I exposed all. Now she won’t be able to do this to anyone else. At least not around here I was the 3rd husband she had done this to, and the others were too afraid to confront her. I’ll let you know how this goes. I’m BACK!
Narcissists have a demon. Demonic forces of evil will not let you go easily. You’re not fighting a person but a person who is controlled. Even I knew I was miserable and fighting a fight that could not be won but I couldn’t let go no matter how hard I tried. Finally with much prayer and Gods constant tugging I pulled away from unmentionable abuse. Not physical, emotional and mental battles that couldn’t be won
Very true all of it. I just finished with a narcissist and it was hell but luckily I am strong inside and he never got the better of me.
Love this, well done for breaking free, and thank you so much for sharing. You are incredible.
im in shock because all of that is so very true ive been going thru same exact thing with my baby mama
Im going through the smear campaign right now funny thing is she’s trying to say im a narcissist and everything i read has been happening for the last 3 yrs to me the last fight we got in i left and haven’t called her or attempt responding to much texts . She however has been smearing me but i don’t even care to defend myself anymore its pointless and now i just read y and it makes sense to me for the overall relationship it angers and saddens me that i put up with alot cause i love her deeply and to find out it was only a game to her .
Hello, well done for not responding. have you looked into trauma Bonding? And ways to recover?
This video explains a bit more, there is several other methods you can also try.
https://youtu.be/G5rEOArZisQ
It’s really hard walking away from a narcissist
Yes, it is tough, we just have to make a choice, take the first step and then keep going, it is possible, and it gets easier.
Wow !
I really wish I had a Go Pro at times to show her what was happening . Hoping it would change things I guess . I was being told I was ( and still am ) the Narcissist . She is now moved out and into her own home after we have been together almost 4 years ( 2 prior foreclosed homes from abusive or deadbeat husbands and a relationship from a real creep ) She has definitely helped me out financially while we were together making it clear we were a team and then comparing me to them while also saying I deserve better and should move on ? So I am trying to really learn the definition of a narcissist to better my self . A friend told me that his Therapist told him that a True Narcissist wouldn’t second guess themselves. So I am not a narcissist ? Then I am thinking why cant a Narcissist change for the good ? Is help available for a narcissist ? Is it hereditary? Coming from a broken home myself . ( I am also having issues with a mentally and chemically unstable daughter ) My now Ex girlfriend has overcome a lot in life and has achieved so much for her Independence with her own home and career while kicking me to the curb.as she is now dating again, blaming me for the love lost a long time ago .
It took me 23 Years to believe what professionals were telling me was true about my narcissist. He was a family member and I couldn’t let go. He nearly destroyed my bank account, my sanity and my marriage. He moved away because I stopped giving him things. Turning on me by accusing me of what he was doing made me crazy. It was a horrible experience and no matter how charming and funny they are, if you stop providing them their narcissistic supply they will turn on you. Once they know what hurts you they’ll use it against you over and over again. Please, if you can, get help and leave for your own sake. I Still have the scars.
The toughest. They take you on a ride……..
Yes it sure is I am in this right now it’s so tough it was hell being with her but I loved her so much I had no idea what was going on I just want the trauma bond to break 6 weeks no contact she discarded me but I know another Hoover is coming!
Yes’ it is but you have to.
My Husband was one and I got away from him 3 yrs ago he still tells people I was a gold digger and more now I am worried my son is one no now I know my son is one and he still lives with me
How old is your son? Teenagers can have narcissistic traits, just a normal part of growing up around that age.
He has grown up watching and learning from his father. He thinks it’s the way to be. He will change, given time and and he will observe and learn from others. Just continue to love him while he finds his own way. Good luck!
Can a narcissist feel love?
People with narcissistic traits can, they need at least five characteristics to be on the spectrum, those on the spectrum don’t have the empathy to connect with others on a deeper level genuinely, they might have cognitive empathy so they can think empathy, yet they can not feel, they enjoy attention negative or positive and they act like they care when people are giving them positive attention, as they think they are above others and they feel entitled to receive this attention. Most of the disorder don’t have object consistency meaning if there is conflict, disagreements or distance they simply don’t care, so they can not truly connect or love like healthy people do who do not have the disorder.
Yes! Mine was always giving me the BLANK STARE, and it would just send me to the MOON! At first I thought, how could you be daydreaming in the middle of a nearly explosive discussion!? She just could not grasp certain appropriate response techniques! Very frustrating! She eventually attacked me with a very sharp object, and although almost funny at first, nearly cost me my life. Cut me up real nice Thankful for super glue….. My fatal flaw was not calling cops. Could you even imagine a caged super narc accused of attempted murder? I have, for almost FIVE YEARS! None the less, Im the cheating freeloading psychotic sexual deviant (!) perpetrator who is unfit to see his daughter. And she convinced the cops and courts that Im the bad guy. Im heartbroken for the loss of my little girl. Some days even waking up is a major battle. She bled me and wished me dead. Im non compliant. Youre a good soul, and writer. And maybe an empath…? I thinks maybe… good day
I don’t know but they have no empathy so they can’t love anyone!
I never thought anyone would understand what I have been thorough, and still going thorough, I am very curious to read and learn more.
Hello Beth, you are far from alone in this. Unfortunately, many have lived it and are often too afraid to speak up, meaning many more go through this alone. There’s lots of information on the blog, any questions, please ask 💜
I felt the same way….most people don’t get it if they have not been exposed to it…it’s a lose lose situation ..all they want is total attention all the time it it doesn’t matter if it’s negative or positive…get away from it now
I think my husband is a narcissist based on the description. He never hit me but the things he said and did were just not right. It made me feel crazy and do stupid things like argue and feel out of control. We are not together but have kids and I am now wanting to just stay out of his life and let him stay out of mine. We have been married 19 years off and on.
Hello Nicola, they’re not always physically abusive, some just mentally. You’re are not crazy, this video explains more.
https://youtu.be/GcXSNgboZas
Best recovery, let them go live their life and you live yours.
You can do this.
Women are not the only victims of a narcissist. It goes both ways! I married a woman who began our relationship as seemingly perfect. The typical tactic. Accolades, accomplishments, high standing in the community… all the things the narcissist pushes on those on the outside to appear perfect. Less than 4 months into the marriage it started happening. The isolating from family & friends. The unfounded accusations and belittling of myself, my family & my friends. It continued to grow as time went on. I was ordered to never discuss with anyone the problems we were having yet she had no problem telling others about how she was putting everything she had into the marriage. After buying the house I became friends with the neighbor across the street. My new fishing buddy. It didn’t take her long to start questioning our friendship. Accusing me of having the “hots” for him! When I told her that all the accusations coming from her were offensive & hurtful her reply was, “Did I hurt your little feelings? WELL GET OVER IT!” No empathy whatsoever! It got to the point that if I even went to the store I’d got severe anxiety when returning home. I was over taken by her & had completely lost who I was. What I’ve written is only the tip of the iceberg but after 5 years of having to walk on eggshells I had enough! I walked out and never looked back! Best thing I had ever done for my own sanity! I couldn’t be happier now! I left with no regrets because I know in my heart I did all I could to make things work. I tried and I tried hard but to no avail! It was a lesson learned but now I can spot a narcissist after spending a few minutes with one!
Yes once you’ve learned from one it’s much easier to spot other, you are 100% right it’s not only men who are narcissistic women are also, there is a post I did this month about the vulnerable female narcissist. More women are speaking out, and more men are starting to also.
I can spot a narcissist also after dealing with my ex husband. Unfortunately me and my current husband are dealing with a female tenant that is a narcissist, and we are going through the eviction process. Just got a letter today from our attorney that she said that she was in a relationship with my husband and she ended it and he’s hurt and that’s why he filed an eviction and he sent inappropriate text messages to her. All lies, he went on 1 date with her before I met him, and that’s it. She already gave me a letter, telling me all my my friends and family knew he went out on a date with her and they never told me, she even included my in laws in the letter. She never said she slept with him or even kissed him. And now all of sudden it was a relationship. I’m really afraid that she’s going to file rape charges against next, bc she is going to have to pay us quite a lot of money. Ugh it’s so hard to deal with these people and their lies, they are just plain evil.
I totally understand your frustrations. My son has been going through the same thing with his ‘son to be ex-wife’. She was beating up on him to provoke him, he could no longer eat anything she cooked as he would get sick. She has threatened to kill my son, herself and their child. My son would many times have to sleep in a small trailer in the backyard for fear of his life, or come to our home, usually with cuts and bruises on him and crying. My son is a big man, but was not going to harm her. He actually finally called the authorities and had her removed. He kept hanging on hoping he would see the woman he fell in love with again. They are going through a highly contentious divorce. But he could no longer afford his attorney due to all the stunts her attorney pulled, so he is representing himself now. And the DA has brought charges against her know, so going to court over that. She has called me horrible, terrible names in front of my grand-daughter which I have on video. SHE is a nightmare to say the least. I call her a Narcissistic Sociopath. I had no idea that women like her existed. And her family had no idea of what she had done. Hopefully they do now with the Declaration I filed with the courts and all of the evidence and proof we provided. All we can do is hope and pray that my son gets physical custody of my grand-daughter, because if she gets custody, she has vowed to never allow me and my husband access to our grand-daughter.
Hi SRS.
Wow! Im truly sorry you had to experience what I did. Everything you said was exactly what I experienced. I met a narcissist one month after leaving a misrible 24 yr marriage that should have never happened, but had 3 children with him My X husband was not a narcissist, so I had no idea that I was headed for 8 yrs of pure hell, the eggshell walks, the extreme anxiety, so bad that i ended up on xanax bars, I had to see the Dr because I simply couldn’t keep feeling that I was going to just die from a heart attack. Just hearing him pull in, i would start shaking all over and my heart beating out of my chest. It was just constant torture. But still hung in there because i just knew he was going to change for me, I was madly in love with him from day 1, and I knew he loved me too ( what ever you call that kind of love) that is why it was extremely hard to leave because of all the tactics he had up his sleeve at any givin second. Like I said, I had no idea that there was anyone out there like him. He hurt me so bad mentally, physically, verbally and emotionally, so many times in the eighth years with him that he destroyed the happy, cheerful, outgoing, loving, giving, and caring heart I had. I have been away from him almost 10 yrs now. I feel that he broke something in my heart. The parts that trust, nurtured cared, etc. I trust no man now. Its not that I want to feel this way. My heart feels the total opposite of the way it used to feel. I hate that he done this. I want to love and to be loved, but not sure if my heart will ever let that happen again. I seriously doubt it. Ive tried a few times to go out, but that only happened once. I just couldn’t handle it.
I too feel broken right now, but I am ok with my lack of desire to let a man into my heart/head again. I find solace in family and friend relationships. What surprised me about my brokenness was when I came to the end of my 3yr divorce battle. When I had the opportunity to speak in court, I could not speak truth. His lawyer twisted truths like a pretzel, and I just sat there with a frozen voice. I thought I had grown stronger and I even felt freedom and safety.. but when put in the same courtroom, I seemed to revert back to my fearful old self. Even though it was the ending to my nightmare, it was still affecting me.
I am saying this to help others. Prepare yourselves.. work on healing that area of your brokenness. It will be important when you go before a Judge. The narcissist is going to say and do anything to discredit you, to ruin you, to make you “pay” for what “you” did. The Judge can only make a decision based on the facts put before them. Do not ever let yourself believe that the narcissistic EX has a moral compass that heads in the right direction.
Heart of Stone, you sound so much like my dear friend who just fled her husband of 11 yrs for the 3rd time. As I was getting to know her, whenever he came to see their 2 children (Dept. of Children’s Services had told her he had to move out), I’d see her start shaking. He manipulated his way back into the house after getting evicted from his own place. After not even 2 full weeks of constant verbal abuse, my friend was so depressed and completely broken to the point that she wanted to commit suicide. The only thing that stopped her was her 2 children. She made a plan to flee. When he physically threatened her (he’d put her in the hospital twice already and held a knife to her throat once) and she found out he was planning to take the children out of school the day she’d planned to leave, she left a day early. He knew she wouldn’t leave without the children. He spread so many lies to all his friends about her. They all thought she was the monster. He also tried to convince the children of how bad a mother and person she was. He actually described her with some of the things he did to her and would say to her. When the child didn’t agree he’d start screaming at the child. She told me his behavior changed radically from charming to verbally, emotionally and physically abusive withing 2 months of their marriage. He seems to get a thrill from torturing her & probably his mistresses.
Elizabeth Shaw – is this man a narcissist? He beat her down so completely with his words and treatment of her that she feels she has no worth whatsoever. He refused to help in any way financially with the children and once back in the house, didn’t help with bills, rent, and would eat all the food she bought for the children, never buying any even for himself to bring home. He would dress the youngest in clothes that were dirty and too small and start in on her when she tried to provide appropriate clothes. When she passed the CNA entrance test he refused to help pay for her education just to prove that she wouldn’t amount to anything. What are you thoughts about him?
Hello, people can be narcissistic in a negative way and not have the narcissistic personality disorder, abuse is abuse narcissist or not; here’s a link on the characteristics.
https://youtu.be/2RR0crazguU
Only professionals can diagnose, and they often fool professionals.
Personally, no one knows them better than those who’ve experienced the individual first hand. 💜
She and the children deserve so much better.
You nailed it. Suck you in being perfect ( manipulation) then change after you’re married ( crazy making). Really tough being raised by one. Especially once you try individuating.
This is possibly one of the toughest situations I’ve had to deal with. I kept thinking “what am I doing wrong?” and I kept trying harder and harder to make my ex happy. The constant blaming really wore away my self-esteem and made me feel horribly depressed as I began to believe I was truly a bad person. The hardest part was his misrepresentation of the facts afterward, and when I’d challenge him and insist that wasn’t how it was, he would say “I’m really worried about why you can’t remember anything.” I wasted so much time second guessing myself. After 8 years of this, I finally took a step back and thought to myself “statistically speaking, after 8 years, it is impossible that EVERY argument is MY fault.” At this point, I began documenting (Yes, writing it down and keeping a log) of our arguments and how they started and I began to see – right in front of me – what the actual truth was. The more this went on, the more my internal light bulb began to come on and I could finally see how it was all fitting together. And, how it was never going to get better – so I left. I had a hard time over what he was telling others – the lies about me – about how he was the victim, but when the lies began to get SO unbelievable – I started to let that go. If people we so gullible they would believe some of these stories, then it wasn’t worth my time trying to straighten things out. I know the truth – and that’s good enough for me.
This is my story!
Sadly, divorcing these folks is a nightmare and child custody issues are absolutely horrific.
Yes, they will use the court system to manipulate further and abuse.
Oh my goodness, this is the scary truth, after 7 years of dealing with a narcissist, everything was my fault, I made him worse, I dropped him off and as he was telling the people where I dropped him off how crazy I was, I felt crazy… How is it that people can be this way?? I was honestly astonished at how he acted and then blamed me, luckily I am a strong woman and will NEVER put myself through anything like that again… It was a challenge for me, but it helped me realize how strong I truly was… Thank you for this article!! It helps me know that I wasn’t the only one going through this type of situation…
My ex sucked the life out of me. He texted me last night and told me he loves me and he is nothing without me. I cry a lot because I still love him but he is a lier. I read all of what people said and it’s like I’m reading my own story.He said to me he doesn’t know why he is a monster. It was like crazy. I walked out of his life because he cheated on me. He was drunk with this woman and they actually called me on my cell to let me know that they are in love and having a baby. He came home hung over and tried to deny he was with her and denied that he never said that they are in love. I lived with him. I was devistated! I just couldn’t believe my ears. Then he apologized and said he regretted what he did . I didn’t believe him at all. I was with him for 3 years. Then I thought to myself how he would go missing in action before we lived together and it made sense to me that he must have been cheating all along. I couldn’t prove it but I had a gut feeling he was. I stupidly gave him the benefit of a doubt. He of course denies ever cheating at all. I wanted to punch his face but not worth it. I couldn’t accept what happened and totally lost trust in him so I knew it was over. He hurt me terribly. We have been apart for 3 months and he still out of the blue contacts me. I always responded to him and I feel like an ass. He hurt my soul and I still love him and want him. I know he is toxic and sick. I know I have to stay away.
When I stopped caring and I told him I don’t give a hoot about what he’s doing that’s when the tables turned. Being able to ignore them and not respond to their games and antic is a BLOW to their ego. If you encourage them to keep doing the smearing of your name (because it’s only helping you to look better when you leave them) they stop! The idea is to make them look good and make you look bad. The residual consequences are once you’re out of the relationship and people actually see you for who you really are how much you’ve change, that makes them even angrier.
What an AWESOME informative read.
Wow. After 50 years, I can finally put a name to it.
It took me that long as well! My dad is the big bully…he use to love to make me cry. It was not a pleasant experience walking on egg shells everyday. I had to have an sleep study eeg done last year. The nurses asked if anyone around me was abusive and who. I said yes, my dad. Shocked her…she said STILL!!! Then asked if I needed someone to take too. I said NO, I know what he is, I do know how to handle it but the things he does say behind my back is horrible. I like in a small town and everyone knows what he is like…even those that did not really believe me, believe me now…he has pulled the same thing with him. He is my dad, I just don’t talk to him that much. I keep him at arms length. My brother is no longer here and he was my protector. He told my dad once that if he ever bothered me again that he would have to deal with him. For me, I had to have a strong man to help me. I am strong but I am also a girl…we have this thing called emotions. I also have seizures so stress is not a good thing. I understand how you feel but I also know you have to stand your ground. He is the problem…remember that. No, I can’t change my dad but I know he is the problem and I am the only one who can help me. He does not know everything about me and when he tries to tell me his glorified version, I will come back with the true version. He has nothing to hold over my head. I did it and I had a life time of it. Jodi, it takes a lot of strength but you can do this! You got this! You deserve more and there is more. I ask God everyday to help me…I have had seizures for over 40 yrs ( I am 53) and he played on them…what a bully.
I’ve been dealing with a slanderous former friend for the last 5 years. He is a semiprofessional actor like myself, but he and I disagree on political and social issues. He has smeared me and my name amongst fellow actors to where some actors are apprehensive to work with me because of the lies that this person has spread about me. This person harassed my wife, and I fell right into his passive aggressive game and vaguely warned him to stop harassing my wife or “there would be consequences”. This person took me to court saying that I threatened his life. The court threw out his claims, but judged that we should both leave each other alone… which he did for about 6 months before he started attacking me on Facebook again.
This article has been very helpful in my future dealings with others who question me about this other person and ignoring him. Two quotes that have helped me: “You can’t stoke a fire if you denied it the oxygen that it requires” and the other quote is basically “Never worry about your reputation if show others your true character, because character is much more important and memorable than reputation”.
what if the narcissist is co-owner of the company you work for. How do you handle that?
If you can manage your time around them, or limited time around them, there are ways to disarm them depending on the narcissist you’re dealing with. Narcissistic bosses are difficult to handle, as are most narcissistic people, is the other owner ok with you?
I hope this link works, video for more information on narcissistic bosses.
https://youtu.be/KVnMofvEEKc
I realized that the CEO of the company was a narcissist about 18 months into a new job after I had divorced my narcissist ex. One day it dawned on me as she was speaking about herself for the hundredth time (and other nasty behavior) that I had gone from a narcissist spouse to a narcissist boss, that I needed to get out of there. I did, and I’m much so happier without either of them! I agree. Limit your timde around them and just continue to remember who they really are.
I was wondering if people were born with this disorder or do they develop it later in life?
Hi, at present research suggests those with the narcissistic personality disorder develop it through life, for various reasons, as are narcissistic sociopaths.
narcissistic psychopaths are born psychopaths.
What if the narcissistic has taken your grown grandchildren( his and my deceased daughters children ) to a point they will no longer speak or let you into their lives?
All you can do is reach out to them, not too often if they’ve requested not to speak with you. Just send cards and gifts on special occasions, with a quick note letting them know you’re always there if ever needed, then hopefully one day they will see what’s happened and reach out to you.
My daughter is narcissistic… and my grandchildren were isolated from me for many years.. missed a lot of their growing up…(I was so close to them when they were younger and raised my oldest for almost 5 years) Now However, now as adults, they see through a lot of it… but, I had to have hands off for many years (it about killed me) …. I reached out to my daughter after about 5 years (I did not realize at the time of narcissism) so her supply was coming back… but, the good out of it, I was able to regain fellowship with my now grown grandchildren… However, long story, I put the breaks on my daughter and I am now her scapegoat, punching bag when I told her I was no longer her ATM machine, punching bag. It is hard to come to terms with how your child can do this to you, and you blame yourself… but you are not the crazy one… I love her, but only at a distance. At weddings etc..it is a very uncomfortable position.. she makes sure I know she is discarding me. Then she will hoover and she still gets no response. I have learned… to play the “game” so to speak. But only on my terms for my sanity sake.
This was so mind blowing to see you calling her behavior like a ball game.thete was a point where I got the seen.this is evil.it is after me.and to destroy me and my happiness.that made the hair on my neck stand up
Hope you are recovering now.
She still tells people I tried to push her off at Crater Lake. She had taken both sets of car keys and put them in her pocket. She grabs my hand putting it to her chest and starts backing up to the drop off saying go ahead and push me over the side. Meanwhile I am fighting to break free of her grasp. I did break free with plenty of time. Trust was broken and I would not get near her at any more lookouts at Crater Lake. I thought about it on the home to Illinois. I knew that she would again be depressed and cry over little things that happened in the past for two days. (this happened an average of every three weeks) and come out of the bedroom for about the 50th time saying our marriage isn’t working and you need to leave. I knew if I stayed after her suicide attempt at Crater Lake that she could OD with her drugs. I was picking her meds at the pharmacy. She would have me in jail over circumstantial evidence. The marriage was no longer worth it. She did exactly as I suspected with two weeks of getting home. I answered her our marriage ain’t working and you need to leave (about 8:30 pm that night) with I will start packing in the morning. AND I did. So much happier now without her narcissism. Absolutely true on the advice. I quit answering her letters and phone calls. She still tries to control what people think of me.
I am very aware now, I have been with a narcissist for almost 20 years… lost everything we’ve had…no friends..or at least I don’t… I think she has friends even though I don’t see them…they are My used to be friends !!! I’ve been so stupid for so long ; listening to her blaming me for EVERYTHING …..
I wish I had understood this long ago. My mother was a textbook narcissist. For 80 years I was her main target. Since her death I’m learning so much, but oh if only I had known how to better respond. She really tore me apart. Even now, it’s hard to heal. I don’t miss her.
I’m so sorry you had to endure this and from your Mom. Praying for your peace.
And all psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths… 1-4% of the entire population are psychopaths (that studies are aware of, anyway)…. Lucky me, I found the real deal…. Hannibal Lector aint got nothing on him…. He probably one ups Lector, actually….
True statement about psychopaths. Hope you managed to escape them.
I’m not trying to be funny, nor exaggerating, but your article described my daughter’s mom to the “T”!!!
Nothing is ever her fault, she never accepts responsibility, and she’s always the “victim”. When she gets upset, it’s the silent treatment for weeks and months…. no joke! Eho foes that when you have a 4 yo daughter together? When she drops our daughter off, she parks behind the bushes at the neighbor’s house and makes my daughter walk instead of pulling in the driveway. No, I never abused my daughter’s mom… not ever! This is her way of avoidance and playing the victim. She disrespects me in front of her other two kids, saying things like “give the homework to him, he’s the nerd” and “you’re a fucking idiot”. There’s no discipline in her home! Her 16 yo daughter smokes weed, has sex with boys and girls and talks back to her mom, uncle, and other family members. If I stand my ground with this little devil from hell, then I’m the bad guy and get told to leave her apartment. This is fine by me, because my sanity isn’t worth it.
Just 3 weeks ago i found out she borrowed a car from a family member. Prior to this, i was made to pickup and drop off my daughter everyday, since my daughter’s mom got her second DUI and totaled her SUV in June 2019. I confronted my daughter’s mom about having transportation to help pick up and drop off our daughter. Then, immediately she calls me a stalker…. really? I simply asked her to step up as a mother and a parent to help with our daughter’s transportation and I get called a stalker? Who does that? If I would have never asked her about the car, she would have never told me.
Anyways, I love your article and for a while I thought it was just me… lol.
Thank you for this Well Written article.. How can I receive more recovering. I’m being divorced right now by a lady just like this. She has me thinking I’m the Narcissist…. My counselor has tell me it’s it’s not true because I keep believing I’m guilty.
When we can look towards ourselves, often believing we are to blame, we are not the narcissist, stay strong you will get through this.
Someone posted this earlier ” she makes sure I know she is discarding me” Mine just told me that I am not worth it. I.feel so stupid! I watched my oldest brother and knew it was bad. And it is a taught thing, I think as his only son is his father. I have an adult daughter that “she says” was diagnosed with bipolar. She watched what (and lived with) I went thru with my brother. But this has not stopped her from turning on me and me admitting that she has a problem.
I need to know, please, tell me how to stop the hurt of her turning my grandchildren on me as well. I took care of these darlings and drove a school bus for the 1st 10 yrs of their lives. HOW DO YOU HARDEN YOUR HEART? I can’t..
Hi, I have recently been through a couple of situations where I feel I have been subjected to narcissistic abuse. The first was a client who claimed she had terminal cancer and had less than 1 year to live, she was very distraught and determined not to tell her family or allow them to help. I eventually offered her accommodation in order to try and help her terrible situation. She proceeded to try and control my life in almost every way, making situations with friends very uncomfortable, needing my help with all manner of things at all hours of the day And night, and creating a huge amount of anxiety and disturbance in my life, marriage and workplace. I eventually asked her to leave, and she finally did, but not before threatening me and my husband, and afterwards making up lies and doing her best to ruin my business reputation. I later found out she had never been sick and is now 18 months later, enjoying overseas travel.
A tenant( an older lady on aged pension) who was living on my property during this situation, I always felt was stirring the pot and enjoying and enabling/encouraging the situation. This tenant fell gradually behind in paying rent, and when I gave her a statement outlining this, she claimed that she had paid me in cash and was very difficult. I stuck to my guns and she eventually agreed to a payment plan. It was then that I started noticing that she was criticising my management of my business to my clients. She also accused a client of threatening her, I had security camera footage which proved this was not the case. I confronted her with this and formally requested that she cease this behaviour. She was trespassing in areas that were not part of her tenancy and various things were missing/stolen. Each time she claimed the other narcissist had taken them. I then recieved the silent treatment and she actively tried to divide and conquer all my relationships with friends and clients.
I have terminated the tenancy, she tried to tell me how much she liked renting here and that she considers me a friend. When that didn’t work she tried to threaten me and has complained to the tenancy authority and is claiming I am bullying her. She has also threatened to tell people things that are untrue about me. I stood up to that and told her she can say what she likes. I have informed her I will report her for theft if stolen items are not replaced and that I have video evidence proving the theft. There are so many more things I could add to this story but I am absolutely exhausted dealing with it and can’t wait until she is gone. Btw, the smear campaign has already begun some time ago.
I think I am a strong person, but am a giver and a helper, and wonder if I am Unknowingly attracting these types of people.
I am determined to stay strong and get through this by sticking to the high road. I refuse to accept that I am the narcissist or bully that she claims I am, I’ve just had enough of the games, lies and bullshit!
I also refuse to let this make me bitter, but would love to know how to better identify these types of people before letting them into my life.
I’m in desperate need of how to deal with my narcissistic ex-husband that I was married to for almost 22 years. We’ve been separated since 2013, and divorced since 2017, yet he continues to try to run my life and make me out to be the crazy person. We have 3 children together, 2 that we still have to co-parent with, and it’s an absolute nightmare. He has a very high power position, that he uses to his advantage at all times. He does no wrong, and everything is my fault, He tells everyone that I’m the terrible person/parent, even though he’s moved on and will be getting re-married, as am I. I don’t understand, and I can’t continue like this. We have a special needs daughter, that he REFUSES to believe that anything is wrong with her. I do all her medical appointments both in and out of state, but I’m the crazy person. He accused me of cheating on him during our marriage, which never happened. This is slowly killing me, and I’ve lost my own identity, I don’t know what to do. Why does he want to continue to run my life when we’ve been divorced 3+ years now. And why is he always right, and I’m always wrong, regardless of the situation? It’s slowly destroying me inside…..
I dated a narcissist for a few years where it’s destroyed everything about me. She has a daughter whom I love dearly as if she is my own but has tended to use our relationship as a crutch to where I have become the Uber/babysitter/stepdad. But she uses the your her father figure I don’t want to mess with it. I only seem to be the father figure again when a favor is needed. She was verbally abusive and also would continually check my phone accuse me of cheating and just bring me down as a person whether it be my character my finances or just any way she can as she calls it point out constructive criticism. Now it’s come to the point where I have drawn a line that if we aren’t together it’s not my responsibility to take care of a child’s that’s not mine especially when her own father is not being held to any of these standards. I did eventually cheat which was the breaking in the camels back of the relationship and I have no excuse to why and I am totally wrong but after so long of being told I’m not anything I’m broke I’m not a father figure and so much more that’s I’m not on top of being told I’m going to cheat I just have in and gave myself something I was getting accused and yelled at for so long. Sucks that you can love someone so much and I return they just use and destroy your mental. I never knew what a narcissist was until I was called one and now more and more I understand what this is I can honestly say I was dating one instead of being the labeled one this site has given me life thank you
I put this man I live in jail push me an say no i walked by her she she she she so I say he hehe and u all rite he get the lite but no the last word an I don’t care about all he tell set in the bar a day no sex u like a date word gets back 2me so my love 4 him is home no more but I miss him i know he what an he has done to me but Iam the one they calls the cops ok he says I work hard ok so how many yrs u work how long u pay bills u rite there lost lies has one kid an don’t care for her sad but when he is a drunk that’s works hard claims kids on taxes an saying he is head of householder a drunk can’t not do what i do i know he I gone but Ian hurt I loved this man 26 yrs he been doing me bad but I miss him why an at the same I hate him but miss him crying I feel so alone i feel like me life is done only 2days I feel my life is gone why but at the same time I hate him why with me what I do stay home be good take care of us why why
I am trying to deal with a Narcissistic mother in law who has been creating problems since day 1. She does awful things and then tells the family that I’m the one doing it. She has been throwing obstacles our way for years and my husband is just starting to see it for himself. God help us. We almost ended our marriage and she was one of the main reasons why.
Narcissistic in laws are challenging as are most narcissists. It should become easier if your husband is starting to wake up to what’s happening.
What’s so hard is that people who know what’s going on tell me to leave him. But I don’t have the financial means to do that. And I can’t get legal help because he is not physically abusive. I know I’m not the same person I was when I met him and I absolutely do feel like I’m crazy. I’ve been referred to therapists by multiple doctors but I can’t go because he will know and won’t approve and then we will have to fight about that. There is literally no. Way. Out.
Will those wanting you to leave him, help you out until you’re back on your feet financially?
How can i tell if my ex wife is a narc shes been telling ppl for years that it was me im trying to get some answers?
Is there anything that can be done to help the narcissist change their manipulative behavior to act in a way that is not abusive?
I am dating a narcissist right now ! He goes to church with me every Sunday.I. have not seen any good change in him yet. 2yrs I believe is too long to wait for change.
KEVIN CRAWFORD: I was a psychology major in college. I studied NUMEROUS classes of psychology, which included all types of behavior……….OCD, bi-polar, depression, and narcissism, to name a few. MOST psychological disorders CAN be treated with meds, cognitive behavior therapy, or both. HOWEVER, the ONLY DISORDER, for which no one has come up with any plan of treatment, is NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR !! THERE IS NO CURE……………IMPOSSIBLE TO TREAT, because a narcissist doesn’t BELIEVE THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEM. So, it is with great sadness that I need to tell you the TRUTH. And that truth is that NO…………..there is NOTHING THAT CAN BE DONE to change the behavior of a narcissist, where SUDDENLY, they will no longer use their MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR, or…….STOP THEIR PLAN OF ABUSE. A narcissist uses ALL TYPES OF MANIPULATION: (1) isolation of their victims; (2) emotional manipulation; (3) verbal abuse towards their victims; (4) mental abuse of their victims; (5) physical abuse of their victims; (6) sexual abuse of their victims; and (7) financial abuse of their victims. Narcissists will literally BLEED YOU DRY of all of YOUR MONEY and even EXPECT MORE MONEY !!! My best advice to you would be to get professional help and COMPLETELY WALK AWAY FROM THE DRAMA of this person who is literally, slowly KILLING you, your health, and your soul. RUN…………don’t WALK away from this evil personality.
FROM: A 67 year old woman who survived domestic abuse and narcissim, and found the strength to walk away from a toxic marriage after 16 months !!!
Thank you so much for sharing 🙌
This is the life I live daily with our adopted 17yo daughter. She manipulates everything/one. Tells them how horrible I am and that I mistreat her, even her therapist is a victim to her games. She’s diabolical. i pray for her everyday.
It’s sad to watch and not be able to defend myself. Thankfully the most important people in my life know the truth.
I will agree with you and hate that you have had to deal with such a evil and not knowing WOMAN…I REALLY DON’T THINK THEY KNOW THEY ARE TO BLAME OR IN THE WRONG
Can you have these ppl charges I have a neighbor who is one and it’s really bad she just does not let up
Unfortunately not if they have the disorder. If they were willing to self reflect and see errors in their ways they could find coping strategies, but as their coping strategy is to blame others, they don’t change.
I don’t even know where to begin. My father and mother divorced when I was 11.I was crushed. My mom married a bank robber from prison not once but twice both were alcoholics and abusiive either physically verbally, mentally or emotionally. I went to live with him when I was 13. He let me drink alcohol and get drunk at dinner one night. He took photgraphs of me. I apparently was sleeping in the nude. He hid them. I accidentally ran across them. he was enraged when he found them missing. I had to go back to live with my mom which was a nightmare.
He was never held accountable for them. From 14 thru 19 I was hell on wheels I had been deeply hurt, was angry, the victim, abused drugs and alcohol. I had a boyfriend that I would fight with like a man. I cheated on him and we broke up. I still loved him and felt guilty for it. I knew at that age I had to grow up. When I turned 20 I had a kid with my husband who wouldn’t hold a job. then 4 years later another. I cheated on him too. I had serious mood swings. no drugs or alcohol.
We divorced after 5 years.
2 years later I married the guy I had dated in high school and had cheated on. I thought since he had been with other women who had had chidren he would know how to be a father figure. I helped him get into college so he could make a decent living.
There was always a poer struggle and when we got married he was abusive to me and my children we could never do anything right. I Loved him or so I thought and no matter what I changed it was never right. It was a 10 year nightmare. He beat the crap out of my son at the age of 13. He went to live with his dad. He had already been turned into family services the year before for choking him. I thought that would put a stop to it. He justfied it by saying that Brandon had laid his hands on me which he had done. But he got the story second hand and instead of talking to me about it just came home and beat him up. He and my son seemed to be always at it. He started getting interested in hunting to get away from me. He was cheating on me. He started staying out at this job he had that was second shift. He would wait until the last second before I had to leave to go to work at 4 am or just not show up. The job was high stress.
To avoid him going to jail I let my son go live with his dad so he could see what a great guy! LOL! he was. Then my husband started to turn on my daughter that’s when I stood up and said no this one too.
I cheated with someone too. He kept telling people I was crazy, psycho. He knew my triggers. So I looked crazy.I finally made him leave.
I lost it, my job, my mind and myrelationships with my children I did not know what was wrong. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and major depression. I went on disabilty. I had anger and control issues.
About the time we were married my father came back into my life. To be with my mom. When he did he seemed to try and be in control of everything and separate her from her children. My mom was a person of light and my dad was not. He hid it well. From me anyway. I was so busy with my relationship I couldn’t see it.
My mother got sick with cancer and she died 4 years ago. Since then I have seen all the qualities of my 2nd husband in my father. I have also noticed that I have some of the same traits in me and I don’t want to be that person.
I have been working on getting better.
In the meantime. My father seems very proud that he drives people away. When you ask him to stop doing or saying something to hurt you he has to do it more. He seems to take pleasure in hurting people. He always has to be in control or think he is. He can’t even join a gym without telling the owner how to run it. People that we know together he has tried to cut my friend ships off from them too.
He recently had to be in touch with the Navy and when they got the records to him, the records for the whole ten years said he had an attitude problem. He talks to people like they are his employees. Especially me. I can never do anything right. He has helped me financially and I have paid him back. I have never lived down not being able to hold down a high stress well paying job and he has not let me live that down.
He’s 80 I don’t want him to die and I have bad feelings with him. I don’t want to die with regets with my children.
Who ever sees this please pray for me.
I too lived with a narcissistic man. The first big sign was on our honeymoon in Mexico. Such loneliness! The blaming of money and what i do wrong. He would turn the hot water off on me while in the shower and leave me behind during events in town. Lock me out of the house and hide my jewelry. He would say I deserved all this. One thing I really caught him at is when he took off one of my charms from my bracelet and I would spend the whole day looking for it. Come to find out it was in my purse and I never put it there. So I bought a new purse and tossed the old one in the garbage with the charm still in it. I let him know I got the new purse and had to throw the old one away as it was ripped. A few days later, he comes to me saying he found my charm!!!! I asked where and he stated on the floor in the breezeway. LOL! I go into the garbage and retrieve my old purse and sure enough, it was not in there any longer. The final straw was when he hit me. I advised I was leaving for good and he said that I will never get back in. I left anyway and was the best thing I did for myself. He found another another woman to move in with him a month later so I was off the hook. He filed for divorce before I was able to and this gave him the upper hand to make me feel like the bad person. There are a lot of stories to tell with kind of person but never enough time to put into words. My life is peaceful now and love it. You can get through this and you just need to get out! By the way, the other woman he is with is doing horrible! Thanks for listening
Debbie!
I’ve left my ex 3 years ago. I had to involve law enforcement to walk away! He would control everything! Even now – we have two kids together, and has pretty much been a control freak still. He meddles in any relationship I have , and it’s all true it is HARD to not respond to him. He starts off with talking about our children and then goes off. I’ve made repeat police complaints, and nothing. I’m having a hard time and feel that if I don’t stop – he is going to essentially ruin anything and everything he can with me. I’m scared of him
My divorce has been going on for 10 months. I was heartbroken when my husband left after I accused him of having an affair. After he left, I started to find out so many bad things about him and this woman. He even bought a house and moved another woman in with him. The entire time he was still wanting me to come back to him! He was telling his friends and family how horrible I had been to him in our marriage. On social media I was a monster! I had no idea how many lies he had told me! He had taken out loans, bought cars, even a home for a woman! Too many things to list! After a few months, a friend told me he was a narcissist. I didn’t believe her. After reading many articles, I was so shocked! This was my husband! Gaslighting, mentally abusive, taking our money and paying other women’s bills, lying, I almost had a nervous breakdown at one point but have gotten better and stronger with the help of family, friends, and my faith in God. This man is evil! After 12 years together, I’m done! He can have his next victim. I’m looking forward to my day in court! He will be there with all his women!!
I’m reading these with my mouth hanging open and tears in my eyes! I came across this by accident and I’m relieved (but sad there are) there are more of us than I knew! I don’t know if my husband/ex has this personality disorder but I believe he does.. I’ve been going crazy trying and trying to understand what it is that I’m doing wrong when maybe it’s not all me?
3 years ago I met “the perfect man” only to find out within months that he wasn’t what he claimed to be. Not even close. I broke it off and for a month he stayed away..then called one day to tell me that a vow we exchanged during a happy day was just as binding as a legal marriage. He wanted his “wife” back. I have a good relationship with God and I was worried that he was right and I was doing something wrong. Well, I went to my pastor and several others..and a priest and a rabbi and got the same answer. I felt I had to go back to that vow.
Well enough excuses, he kept me in a state of suicidal depression, uncertainty, unhappiness and general bitter hatred until last month when the pastor he likes told him he was sinning by not having a legal ceremony by state law. He believed the guy although he thinks he knows everything. We drove to Lake Tahoe and had a short, civil ceremony.
Then the sh*t hit the fan. Right after returning home a neighbor stopped in and very rudely cut me dead. I am used to that because of all the lies he tells about me so I didn’t react. About an hour later a really nice (usually) older lady from church stopped by and did the same thing. This time I said something. I asked her what the problem was because I didn’t appreciate that treatment in my own home. She said she was having a hard time with the fact that I BLACKMAILED my husband by threatening to scream rape if he didn’t marry me. Uh? Are you kidding me? I looked at my “husband” and he started all these stupid yes that’s true I’m scared of you, you beat me etc, lies. I walked into the bedroom, packed and left.
Because of the lies he tells so often I had started to record our conversations and not tell him. I called him the next day and told him if he didn’t tell people that the rape story wasn’t true I would sue him for slander. I gave him 3 days. He didn’t do it so I filed the lawsuit with all the recorded evidence. I won in court. He was ordered to pay me a monetary settlement with six figures. I don’t care about that, I want a public apology. He is fighting it! He would rather pay a huge sum of money than tell people he lied. Is that just insane or am I insane? Why do I still hope he will call with a lame excuse so we can work it out? Why do I want to work it out? I feel like I just want to quit life. How does this happen?
Still hurting after a 23 year marriage with (I now realize) a narcissist. He was a well respected pastor. No one new what was going on at home. He had multiple affairs and told the church leaders and anyone that would listen that I had a personality disorder. He managed to deceptively get all our money and has turned his whole family against me and our children. Our girls are teenagers and experienced what he was really like at home. They will have nothing to do with him. Our lives are much better without him, but the pain is still so deep. I still can’t believe I was so blind for so long.
I have managed to create what I believe are healthy boundaries in my relationship with my narcissistic father (although I’m sure he views our relationship much differently, and I’m learning to be ok with that).
Of course things become much more clearer when you take a step back and really process every interaction and feeling to do with the narcissist, I am thankful I am able to educate myself, safely away from his tactics, to then know exactly how to deal with any future interactions (the holidays are coming up, and family gatherings with him present always have me feeling anxious in the beginning).
One thing in particular that I’m struggling with though, well there’s two, is fighting the feeling of needing to defend myself although I KNOW my whole family knows me well and knows of my fathers narcissistic ways. I’m really trying to not react to thoughtless comments he tends to make at family gatherings towards me and my husband, and his complete ignorance to my two step-sons at Thanksgiving, which infuriates me. My step-sons have done nothing wrong to the man. I had a very honest and open phone conversation with my father back at Easter time, in hopes of this last attempt getting through to him that I would like things to start fresh and mutual respect and effort to be made, as he claims to be so upset with how ‘MY’ life choices have driven us farther apart. I miss my Father. I want who he was before this narcissism took over. But I really can’t afford mine or my family’s health if he isn’t even going to try, and yet will still act on his narcissistic ways. The thought of Giving Up on him leaves me feeling a large amount of undeserving guilt. I am a very compassionate person and believe, especially of those closest in your life, that you shouldn’t give up on someone because of mental health issues. But I am also a very no-bull**** when it comes to abuse of any type, and this has been an ongoing battle throughout the years that I will refuse to subject my own family to if things come to that.
If anyone reading this has any suggestions or similar stories, I would be very grateful.
I believe my husband is a narcissist. While it’s too much type, I’ll just focus on his lack of empathy. Last night we went to see a movie that was painful to watch and the ending was so traumatic that I reacted with tears in the theater. So did others around us. He leans to ask what’s wrong? I don’t respond as I’m choked up and needed to gather myself and things to leave the theater. We leave, get home and he turns to me as I walk in the house, “baby, did that movie upset you like that?” I didn’t respond immediately, so he says, “did you hear me?” Are you that upset? I kept walking to the bedroom as he kept staring at me, saying, “do you hear me?” I turned to him and said, “hey, it was an emotional film and anyone with a heart would be upset. But don’t try to turn this into some thing where I now emotional issues. I see you, is what I told him. You lack empathy, so I guess nothing moves you. I asked him to stop talking to me, just so I can change my clothes in peace. My pjs were in the drier, so he stomps into the laundry room, takes my clothing out. I go up to him and begin to put my things back into the drier. He says he needs to go to bed and the drier is too loud. I say, well close the bedroom door. I needed my things to dry and it was almost done. I stood my ground (he’s a big man) unlike in the past where I would be shamed for making noise after 10pm, tip toeing around the house for 2 years after we married. So this morning, after sleeping on the sofa, I dress and leave the house before 9am on a non workday (not my norm). When I came back, he’s sulking, not sure how to handle me doing my own thing outside of the house. I have not given him much energy and that seems to work. All in all, his idea to reel me into a debate on whether or not I am emotionally unstable bc I cried at a movie did not work. Nor did I feed into his crap when he tried to control the situation and me by cutting off the drier and taking my wet pjs out. Now he’s gone to a football game and I barely responded to him letting me know he was leaving out. I’ve learned to ignore the games after 3 years of this nonsense. I’m praying I can sustain and he can redirect his focus elsewhere. This is an active battle for my sanity after moving into his house after the wedding.
Thank you for all the information about Narcissist, it has helped my understanding and now I know they cannot change helps me to move on and avoid people like that in future. I have mental health issues,mainly anxiety and depression and I tell people about these issues once I feel I know them well enough. My ex personal assistant is a Narcissist and has messed up nearly every thing I paid him to do and everything he messed up ,he blamed me for. this had been going on for years and has made me quite ill. I was questioning myself and my sanity and was almost believing everything was my fault until I confided in my friends who do care about me and trust me. My advice to people is ,if you feel you are being bullied,do not keep silent and blame yourself,tell people,get help to get away from the bullies, do not suffer in silence and blame yourself.
My stepdaughter is a CLASSIC case. She has denied me seeing my 1yr old grandson. His dad sneaks him over for short visits every once in a while. I’m not against talking to her, I’d just really like a few ideas how to approach her. Its been since early September.
My mother-in-law & sister-in-law fit every aspect of a narcissist. I have put up their extreme behavior for the last 20 years and now have chosen to cut them out of my life, have been much healthier & happier now that I don’t have to deal with their narcissistic sickness.
My husband and I are separated and he has done all these things to me.. he has tried multiple times to get full custody of our 4 year old daughter.. he went from telling the court i was crazy (with no examples given) he then pulled me into court 4 months later and accused me of abusing drugs (this was dismissed). He claims our marital home is “his” saying I invested no money in the property. One day before the split I got home from work and he had changed all the locks on the house. He filed a restraining order against me (saying he was simply “scared” of me). He ran his mouth to all of our neighbors Before our split, when I walked the dog my neighbors wouldn’t even say hi to me. I had postpartum depression (I was still a good mother and got help)and he is now claiming I am unstable, bad mother. He tried to alienate me from my own parents and brother. He claims I am a gold digger. He has gotten his friend and own father to lie for him in court. I finally cut off all communication with him. I feel like we exhausted all forms to co-parenting. He only uses my words against me. I have trial in a few months to fight for my daughter. Please have me in your thoughts and prayers. I will not let him rob me of my joy.
Thinking of you, you can, and you will get what’s right for you and your daughter, stay focused on the outcome you need for your daughter.
This video explains some ways to handle them in court.
https://youtu.be/ORj5IfkEbGw
Someone…….preferably a Good Friend, should show what “narcissism” means……in the Webster’s Dictionary…….SERIOUSLY
I have realized when I do not let him take my power supply away. Meaning I see him projecting and understand he really isn’t talking about me but himself. I can stay calm and have less anxiety around him. Are they all wounded children? When seeing clearly he mostly behaves like a teen or younger? Is that from real trauma as a child?
Sometimes it can be caused from a childhood trauma, turning them into fight mode and never recovered from this, some people are incredibly negative and meet their needs by destroying others. Some never learn object consistency as a child, meaning if there is distance or conflict, they simply do not care, some either lose empathy along the way, or possibly never developed it. Yes they can act like toddlers in adults body’s, throwing massive tantrums some to the extreme when they don’t get their own way, and just like some toddlers who get caught red-handed and deny to save themselves getting into trouble, a narcissist can do the same, they will happily eat your last piece of cake with crumbs around their mouths and deny all knowledge, or claim it was theirs, or that you ate it and forgot. (Not all toddlers act this way, and those who do, don’t always turn into narcissists, as parents teach them throughout childhood right from wrong, lies and consequences etc.) but most narcissists act this way.
This video explains more.
https://youtu.be/feLDfhJu3DQ
I feel compelled to comment because after 23 years of marriage (to a covert narcissist) I have finally come to terms with the reality of my situation…things are NOT going to magically get better . Being an optimistic and positive person, I was SURE that “one day”…soon, things would change. I would think…When he graduated from grad school…or got his “real job”…or we bought our house….kids were older…(etc) he would go back to being the man I fell in love with. I always believed that right around the corner was our salvation. I was soooo WRONG! This coping mechanism simply allowed me place blame on our situation or myself, instead of the selfish behaviors of my narcissist husband. (Sadly, it is only in retrospect, I am realizing the years and years I wasted waiting for “one day” to arrive.) What finally helped me see the light???? I no longer recognized this depressed, tired and defeated person looking back at me in the mirror? Who was this person? When did I become a person who relys on daily meds just to function? Wait… I’m a fun, social and lively person! Or at least I used to be!!!! The journey to discover what happened to me led me down the path I am on right now. What path is that? One of understanding why I stayed, why I need to leave and what I need to do to recover and heal. Please wish me luck as I prepare to leave this toxic relationships and FINALLY make myself the PRIORITY! Thank you for listening to my story!
That one day that most of us wait for, your far from alone, pleased you’ve had the lightbulb moment, you can and you will do this.
Thank you for the vote of confidence! It was all about getting my hands on the right information. Your blogs, videos and comments from other narcissist survivors have helped me stop making excuses and see the light! Thank you for all your valuable insight. 😊
I left my ex almost 7 years ago now and things are worse now than ever. She has lied about her entire life on earth. So much so that I once caught her in a lie when she was telling a story. I knew it was a lie bc the story was about me but she flipped it to her friends. She had forgotten that i was there n knew the truth. Yet she never backed down. To this day she still insists that I cheated on her the entire time we were together which is also completely false. I know this bc well…i know this. Even after finding out AND confronting her with physical evidence, she still denied it and tried to flip it back on me…even with physical evidence rite in front of her. Narcissists lie do often that they train themselves to beleive their own lies to seem more convincing. Never backing down from their original story, which is well thought out n planned for the simple reason of them knowing they seem more truthful if they don’t deviate from their original story. She has twisted every single detail that had even the slightest thing to do with me for the last 8 years. Divorce was a joke. I went through 3 lawyers bc hers is as crooked as she is n I can’t find anyone to stand up n do their job. She completely ruined my life. I was falsely charged and convicted of several batteries n assaults against her. So badly to the extent I was charged once for an incident n was NEVER even there. I received a subpoena in the mail with my charges. A few times I went to jail after I allowed her to beat me so badly I was bleeding profusely but yet all she had to do was wipe my blood on her n say it was hers n that I had beat her. I even tried calling the police several times before it would get physical n explain that I was afraid for my safety, simply as she did many times. The problem was the dispatcher or actual police would basically laugh at me n tell me to deal with it myself bc they couldn’t do anything unless she attacked me. Which they never told her. Theyd race rite over if SHE felt unsafe. If i waited till she attacked, it was too late. She tried to kill me several times. Tased me once n even choked me while i was driving at 80 mph on a busy highway. It seemed not only would the abuse never stop but only get worse. Night after night she would go out drinking n not come home till the next afternoon. Hungover n half dressed. When i finally caught her n confronted her with her own phone that she was sleeping with other men the whole time, she simply denied it n turned the situation around by stating I had no rite to invade her privacy. Only mad bc I caught her red handed letting every guy in town invade her privacy….but if I dared to defend myself as she would start the name calling, she would be seemingly unfazed…untill I would make a comment about her being a whore….then the fight was on. I tried everything from keeping a blind eye n acting as if it was normal, to begging her to change. From not saying anything n going to jail, to pleading my innocence n begging police n judges to listen to me only to be silenced n charged. Everything from allowing her to beat me senseless to realizing I’ll go to jail no matter what anyway, so why not fight back n see how she likes it. By then she had me labeled as a cheating manwhore wifebeater. I couldn’t win n realized it was too late to get out already but when my son was born is when things got horribly worse bc she knew I wouldn’t ever leave my son but she would never allow me to even if wanted to. I felt trapped n broken. After a year of marriage n over 3 years of abuse n lies, i finally did what I had to, to survive. I filed n blindsided her with it…she simply left as if she didn’t know anything n w on her own n STILL states that she filed first bc of all of my abuse n lies. I lost everything. Including my son. She lied so badly that i had to prove to the court that i was capable n competent of fathering my son EVEN THOUGH i had done nothing to warrent this. Soon after i was able to get visitations in place but the games didn’t stop there. the custody battle which is technically still ongoing became another way to control me. Over time i learned to ignore her Only bc she still continues to lie. I learned i couldn’t fight back anyways so just try not to react. This actually worked for a short period till she realized I no longer cared about her in any way what so EVER n couldnt be fazed by anything she said or did. She knew she had a weapon to make me grovel before her…..my son. Always said that’s the one thing she would never do….but she did. She broke every promise n vow she ever made. Why would I expect different. Ar first she would keep him from me for an afrernoon maybe then it became the day, then weeks then months. Each time doing as she did with every argument when we were together, and come back kissing ass n acting as if nothing ever happened only bc she needed a sitter. I eventually quit my job to stay home n watch my son bc she would tell me if I didn’t, then she would have the courts tack on child care to my child support and she would again take him the longest she has kept us apart was 4 months.bc I chose to work odd jobs for cash so that I could atleast make money enough to survive myself, I was unable to make child support payments. She was fine with this arrangement for a while. At one point i had him nearly 7 days a week. Then she got behind on her bills after buying a new car….guess who was to blame? Thats rite! Yhis guy…now bc i wasnt giving her money she suddenly couldnt survive and demanded i pay child support. All while calling me lazy n a deadbeat bc i had taken care of my son as priority number one FOR HER to allow HER to work for 3 years straight. When I reminded her of our arrangement she insisted I was only lying n chose not to work full-time only to milk the system….even though she was the one on footstamps n government assistance of any kind she could get. Resulting in her taking him once again. Its been nearly 2 months now since I’ve seen my son. She has blocked all communication of any kind. She moved in my ex best friend, got pregnant n STILL claims it’s my own fault for everything thst has happened. She ruined every relationship I’ve had since her bc “she dont want me but she dont want anyone else to have me either”. Her exact words even. She has caused me to lose jobs, friends, family, respect, and lately, simply the will to live. She has with out a doubt won by destroying my heart COMPLETELY. She has ruined my life n left me in shambles wishing one of us was dead so that I no longer have to live this nightmare. It’s been 8 years of this….i can’t take it anymore. I just want my son back. He’s all I had left…n she knows it. She wont be truly happy untill she finds out i killed myself. Which gets more tempting by the day. She is the worst kind of narcissist. A bipolar, violent, psychotic, pathologically lying, manipulative, heartless cunt with no regard for her own son’s well being n insists THIS is best for him. Even tho the last time I saw him he told me how much he hates her n her boyfriend n how he wants to live with me. Idk what to do anymore. If this is my life now, I don’t want it. I hate her with every fiber of my being n would give anything to watch her suffer to death for all the damage she has done. A narcissist is the most dangerous type of person on this earth. The devil him self has more of A heart than a narcasistic abusive alienating parent.