It is normal for people to come away from a narcissistic relationship, with low self-esteem and low self-doubt, whether that narcissist was a parent, a partner or a friend.
When you have been continually told that, you’re not good enough, you’re insecure, you’re too sensitive, you’re crazy, that all your thoughts and feelings are wrong, or they don’t matter. Most people will then be left with extreme self-doubt. A little self-doubt is healthy; however, if you’ve suffered from narcissistic abuse over a prolonged period of time, self-doubt will most like have been programmed into you.
Healthy self-esteem is good, having a reasonable opinion of yourself and who you are. Those who have this or have got this back after narcissistic abuse will still have reasonable amounts of self-doubt.
For some people being around a narcissistic person means they don’t want to be proud of themselves for fear of turning into a narcissist, there is a vast difference between being proud of your achievements and setting out to achieve while being kind to others. And a narcissists who exaggerates achievements lies about achievements or destroys others to achieve and takes whatever they can.
The imposter syndrome, this is an unwillingness or an inability to accept achievements, or that you are a good person, because of an irrational fear that you don’t deserve it, you start to believe its good luck or good timing when something good happens and not because you put work in and you deserve it. You might feel like an imposter when others compliment you for your achievements and find it hard accepting those achievements feeling like you’ve deceived them feeling like you are making out your better than you are, or knowing how bad low self-esteem and self-doubt feels you don’t want to make others feel that way. You think others believe you are more intelligent than you are, this is simply untrue for those who worked hard and tried hard, you do deserve it, and you need to take the compliments on board to grow and lose the self-doubt. Your compliments are based on facts. Show others that you can and that they can too. A narcissist is an imposter as most things they achieve are exaggerated, lies, or through destroying others.
Self-doubt is an annoying voice in your own mind that can hold you back from becoming who you truly are, you might start things and not Finnish through fear, not realising just how great and special you truly are, and you do deserve good things, so you stop seizing opportunities that would for fill your life.
How to overcome this excessive self-doubt.
1. Remember self-doubt is just a voice in your own mind, most often extreme self-doubt has been planted in there by someone else who has their own insecurities and vulnerabilities. Write a list of those who told you, “you’re not good enough, you’re insecure.” Then write who told you and put next to it the truth. “They have the problem, not me. I am good enough. I do deserve to love myself and true love from others.”
2. Write them down, when your thoughts stay locked in your head they become exaggerated, let those thoughts out, writing them down until you do feel comfortable talking about them, then saying them out loud, it can help you to hear how exaggerated they are. Look at what you’ve put like someone you really care for wrote them, what would you honestly tell that person? And then tell that to yourself.
3. Talk to someone you trust. Getting it out of your own headspace and into the light, listening to a good persons advice brings you out of the darkness of self-doubt. Talking with a positive kind person, their own thoughts can give you a better perspective.
4. Stop yourself. When a moment of self-doubt crops up, don’t let it get out of control, instead talk back to it when it starts. In your own mind tell it, “no, I’m not going that way again, I am good enough, and I can do it, my instincts are correct.”
5. Do not compare yourself to others, you’re not living their life you’re living your own, compare yourself to you, the only person you’re in competition with is yourself.
6. Keep a record of things that you have overcome, things you have achieved big and small, remember the positive outcomes when you have, new obstacles, look at the old ones you’ve made it past. Look at different solutions and perspectives of how you can challenge yourself to overcome new ones.
7. If someone is talking badly of you, don’t listen, that’s their insecurities about themselves being projected onto you, you don’t need negative people that put you down in your life.
8. Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people, listen to motivational videos and podcast, to give you a boot.
9. Setbacks are temporary, and we are all here to learn, to fail is only your first attempt in learning.
Thomas A. Edison quotes “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.”
Don’t give up on yourself, find new ways and go again.
Setbacks happen, that’s part of life itself, it’s not to hold you in your past, it’s to learn from, grow from and go again.
10. Do not beat yourself up, as this will not help, the negative self-talk will hold you back, you’re allowed moments that’s normal, if you carry on being angry with yourself it’ll hold you back, let it go.
Be kind to yourself, reorganise and go again, telling yourself. ” I am worthy, and I can do this. ”
If you’re feeling stuck trying to think of one small step you can take and take it, then Keep going, noting your achievements along the way.
11. When you make a small step or a big one, when you achieve something big or small, acknowledge it, be proud of yourself, talk to yourself and tell yourself what you’d tell someone you genuinely cared for if they were doubting and had actually done well, acknowledge each and every achievement you make.
12. Remember if something didn’t go to plan, with that something wasn’t for you, change your perception, change your approach or change your direction, your allowed to correct along the way, keep going until you achieve what you want for you.
You can, and you will get past this.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.