”It’s hard to recognise your enemy when your enemy says they love you.”
It’s hard to fight your enemy if they were your parents, and they’ve conditioned you to think and feel a certain way over a long period of time.
It’s hard fighting your enemy if they were your partner, they’ve conditioned your mind, and they know all your weaknesses.
The only way to fight your enemy is to step out of their games, leave them to do their own damage control and let them fail, while you work on your true inner self, how you talk to yourself and reprogram your mindset.
When you have hopes and dreams, and life just isn’t working how you wanted too, it can be soul-crushing, usually, after a narcissist your also dealing with the after-effects of standing up for yourself, most narcissistic people up their games, as they hate losing control, the problem isn’t you, it’s them, as you might already know after spending some or all of your life around narcissists they make their problems yours, it doesn’t have to be this way, you can walk free, and leave them to fight themselves.
Yes, this can be hard if you are splitting assets, going through a divorce or have children together, this is why it’s vital to reprogram your mindset, to fight the battles you need with calmness and rational thinking, you can not fight these people with emotional reasoning, and we have to learn to let go of those who only want to bring us down.
With children, limited contact, routine and stability, keep everything messages or email only, set up a new email, so you don’t have to look at them unless you need to, keep them all ( for evidence in court if required.) watch your reply’s, sometimes it needs to be that you have to take a step back think. Retreat, rethink and respond, only if required. Don’t react while they can push your buttons and you are angry. Need to know basis and only the necessary information, while you work on your own state of mind, so their games don’t affect you.
Yes it is more than possible and yes you can, If you been conditioned over a lifetime of abuse, or a few years of abuse, you can, and you will reprogram your mind to how you want to think, feel and where you want your life to go.
Its time to stop being frustrated, upset and angry, wondering “why is this happening to me.” Feeling discontent with life, as most of us with these feelings turn against ourselves and play right into the narcissist’s hands. It’s time to start thinking “what can I do to change this.”
Your mind is your key to success in recovery and creating a new life for you, and you have to put the daily effort in.
Several studies have been done, from kicking footballs to shooting basketballs, I’m going to use Learning to play the piano.
If you take three groups and over a month have.
Group one practices a piece daily.
Group two do nothing.
Group three learning the music but not playing yet while learning to programme their mind that when they begin to play, they can, and they believe they can.
At the end group, one can play ( as long as they didn’t quit when it got hard.)
Group two is still at the start.
Group three, when they begin to play, can also play as their minds believe they can, and they’ve learned the notes. ( as long as they didn’t quit because they didn’t see results and went to “what’s the point it’ll not work.”
If you don’t see the results straight away, keep telling yourself the outcome you want until you see them.
You can not control others; however, you can take back control of you and your life.
Even when it gets tough, even when it feels impossible, even when you don’t get results straight away, you must keep going no matter how hard or how painful, if you quit you stay in the life you’re In now and to keep going you must ask yourself “how’s that working out for me currently. ”
You’re allowed to wobble, and you’re allowed to stumble, you must get up and go again until you achieve the results you want, keep notes so on those down days you can look at how far you have come and the progress you have made. Keep yourself accountable, set realistic deadlines, if you miss starting looking at what you have achieved and go again. Your mind is the key to your success.
So how do you do this?
Step one. Decided what it is you want for you and write it all down, everyone is an individual to put your own thoughts, some examples are.
“I no longer want to feel angry when they provoke.”
“I no longer want to react.”
“I no longer want to think about them.”
“I want to feel good enough.”
“I want to love myself.”
“I want a job or a new job.”
“I want to be happy.”
“I want to move home.”
“I want to travel.”
Your life, your goals, your dreams. They are yours, so write what you want your future to look like down, create new visions and new hopes for you.
The stronger and more powerful the vision, the more you consciously think it, the more it reprograms your subconscious to take action and do it.
If you no longer want to react, for example.
1. See what weaknesses or insecurities they are using to provoke you. Look at where that insecurity or weaknesses came from and work on healing it within yourself, so it no longer affects you when others use it against you.
2. When they pull you in, and you react, where has that got you? They want to win at all cost, notice how you didn’t reach a compromise, the argument got taken off-topic, or you got the silent treatment. Notice how smug their answers are once they’ve hit you, notice how you’re more angry and upset that you were at the start.
3. Ask yourself. “Why am I arguing In the first place, does it ever get resolved?”
4. Don’t look to the narcissist for compromise or agreement, look inwards to you, look at what you can do for you, then do what you can for you and leave them be.
Steps, ask “can I accept it.” If that’s a no ask “can I change it?” If you can change it for you, then change it. If you can not leave it and focus on something, you can change.
It’s time to decide what you want for you, your future, physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, in your personal life and your business life.
Step two commit yourself to change.
Lose self-doubt and fear by consciously committing to taking steps to get you to where you want to be.
Narcissists putting fear into you and self-doubt is one of their most significant assets to keep you trapped in the cycle, to break free you need to lose that fear and self-doubt.
Fear is healthy, we all have fears, fear of, rejection, failure, pain, speaking out, loss and the unknown, narcissists have lots of manipulative ways to heighten these fears within us. We can also fear success. If you do nothing that fear will stay, life will continue how it is, and you will not heal and move forward, you will not get the life you want and deserve. The fear will stay present and will hold you in the past.
Face the fear and do it anyway, staying safe around narcissistic people some are dangerous, most will eventually leave you be and find an easier target.
Look that fear head-on and do what you want to do for you, instead of thinking you can’t tell yourself. “I can.” The more your mind hears it, the more it believes it and the more you will.
Commit to yourself, your life, your present, your future, your love, your hopes, your dreams and your happiness. Commit to you. Keep pushing yourself and keep going taking notes of any achievements along the way. I say any as you need to note those small ones as well as the big.
Step three take action.
While your programming your mind to think precisely how you want to believe, take action on those positive thoughts, do the things you can control, you’re allowed to fail on route, don’t be hard on yourself, it’s your first attempt in learning, we all make mistakes, we all slip up, just learn and go again. The real power comes from within.
Put it all in to practice in all areas of your life.
1. Tell yourself “I no longer want to react, to their games, and I’m done with the fighting, I’m walking free into my new life.”
2. Don’t react.
Feel how much better you feel.
If you slipped up and reacted ask “how did it work out for me?” Usually, with a narcissist, you feel worse for reacting.
3. Tell yourself. ” that’s ok. I’m allowed a mistake I’ll not react again.” keep going until you stop reacting.
1. If you think “I’m not good enough.”
2. Tell yourself “I am good enough.”
Look at all the good you do, write who put that thought there, tell yourself “they were not good enough for me, they have their own insecurities they projected onto me. They are not my problem.”
Tell yourself. “I am good enough.”
3. Look for the things you have achieved in life and focus on those.
1. “I want a new job.”
2. Look for courses or jobs and start applying, telling yourself you will do this and you can.
If you get a Knockback to tell yourself. ” that one wasn’t for me, I’ll find the one that is.” and go again, don’t stop until you succeed.
3. Keep applying to them, Accept the course. Accept the job offers.
Whatever it is, write it down, take action and succeed, change your mind, change your thoughts and change your life. Keep going you’ve got this.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Why they like to argue.