Tony Robbins discovered the six human needs, which is the driving force for everything we do. These needs subconsciously drive any feeling, action or emotion. They can be fulfilled positively, neutrally or negatively.
These needs are.
- Love and connection.
The human need for growth.
In life, we need to serve a purpose. If we are not growing, we are dying. When we get stuck in negative situations that are no serving our needs for growth, we slowly lose who we indeed are. If we are not growing, we become very unhappy.
Narcissistic people fill their needs of certainty, uncertainty, love and connection and significance in a negative toxic way, meaning they’ll never be truly happy, they can temporarily fill contribute and growth with new targets, yet because they are only ever contributing to fill their own needs and never truly to help others, it keeps them locked in a cycle of unhappiness as they keep circling around they never truly grow.
Narcissist gets significance by destroying those around them, making themselves feel batter, love and connection by playing the victim and getting sympathy or playing the hero and getting respect from other, always in need of a partner to fulfil this need as they can not do this within themselves. Certainty by trying to control everyone they get uncertain by being addicted to or any form of substance abuse, or addiction to gambling, cheating, lying etc. They are not contributing to others, only ever themselves, they can not continue to grow on temporary, so they never feel fulfilled.
The narcissist will take you to court for custody of the children, not because they want them to have the best possible childhood. They do not care. It’s because they want to control everyone and feel significant. They want the power they also feel connected to you as they are dragging you through hoops and keeping you in disbelief, and constantly trying to sort it all out and move on with your life.
Tony Robbins “any time your mind believes that by doing something, believing something, or by feeling something it meets three of your human needs you become addicted. You can be positively addicted or negatively addicted, but you’re going to become addicted. Any time your mind believes you’re meeting three of your human needs, Though, feeling, emotion or action, you will become addicted.”
You become highly addicted to a narcissistic person as subconsciously they fill so many of our needs. These needs can be met negatively, neutral or positively. At the start of the relationship, it’s most often positive, the neutral and the end negatively.
1. Love and connection. If they are love bombing you, you feel love and connection. If they are strangling you, it’s negative, but you will be feeling a connection to them at that moment. You’ll also feel the negative side of insignificant, and you’ll feel uncertain as to what they may do next. The narcissist will be filling their need of significance. Either way, if they are love bombing you, you’ll be full of positive love towards them. If they are in your face, shouting, spitting, strangling, they are going to feel significance over you, connection to you in a negative way. They are going to feel certain they are in control over you.
2. Uncertainty/ variety. As you never know what they are up to, where they are, which person you’re going to get when they walk through the door, how they will be when they wake up. The narcissist’s uncertainty is fulfilled by keeping you walking on eggshells, keeping you guessing and often having more than one partner, although not all narcissists cheat.
3. Certainty that you have someone, you are not alone even though you feel alone, that fear of uncertainty of being alone keeps us with them for longer than we should stay, we can also be certain they will change, we’ve seen the good side, we know it exists. The narcissist feels certain they have someone, and if they fear they might not, they’ll make sure they have someone else lined up ready to replace you.
4. Significance, in a positive way that affects us negatively, we feel significant that we are in a relationship, that we help them, provide for them, loan them money. The narcissist feels significant that we will keep giving, and they can keep taking.
5. Growth, you believe you were growing as you adapt and change so often to meet their needs, so you don’t get a reaction. The narcissist will most often step up the games to fill their need for growth, yet they never last, so they move onto another target. Again novelty wears off for them. It never lasts. They never grow. Familiarity comes into play. They get bored and search for a new target to fill that need that they can not meet, making them deeply unhappy.
6. Contribution, we believe we are contributing towards them, cooking teas, washing clothes, buying them cars, helping them out etc. Most narcissists never truly meet their need for contribution. They only ever willing to give to receive, so they are always looking for more and never satisfied or happy deep within themselves.
Contribution and growth are the two needs that truly fulfil us, where we become happier on a new level.
There are free tests online to discover which are your top two human needs, as these are the ones we need to fill the most to find our true happiness.
If you’re trying to break free from the narcissist, or Once you break free, if you start to consciously fill these needs up in other areas of your life, it will help you break the addiction to the narcissist.
Keep going. You will move past this and onto a much more fulfilled, happier life.
Focus on something positive you find effortless that you love doing and spend more time doing it as it’ll fulfil your human needs and your happiness right up. Even when it gets hard, you’ll be addicted, and you’ll work harder.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.