At times life can be challenging, and life can be painful. We all make mistakes. We all sometimes fear, be it, fear of others, fear of change, fear of making a mistake, fear of failure, even fear of success, fear of judgment, fear of not having enough, fear of wanting too much, fear of being ourselves, fear of not being liked, and so many more, sometimes you need to let that fear enter then use it to drive you forward to get to the other side of that fear.
We don’t win every time. We don’t get it right every time, if you let fear paralyse you, if you let fear hold you back, if you wait on people to rescue you, most often the person who you allow to rescue you takes you further into that fear, sometimes you’ve got to get up and show up for you, allow the right people to help YOU become and get to where you want to be, allow those doubters, haters and naysayers, those who judge you for being you pass you by, in the blink of an eye, they don’t own you, heck most of them don’t even know you, if they are unwilling to raise you up, they are not for you. Get to know yourself so well that how you think others think of you no longer counts, with good intentions, no wrong or right way to live your life, only your way.
According to sociologist Morris Massey, the development of values follows this approximate timeline:
- The Imprint Period (ages 0-7)
Like a sponge, you absorb everything you see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and feel. You are imprinted by everything.
- The Modeling Period (ages 8-13)
You adopt the characteristics of whoever you look up to and who you want to be like. You copy other people and try on different ways of being.
- The Socialization Period (ages 14-21)
During this phase, you try to determine where you fit into society. As you develop your individuality, you begin to push back on earlier programming and rules.
Professionals say after the age of 25, it’s hard to change who you fundamentally are, what your core values are, what your beliefs are, that most only change these through some form of trauma. Unfortunately, sometimes we go through hell to come out better than who we were before.
Mistakes are made to teach us, and most fear is there to enlighten us and teach us, pain to teach us. No pain, no gain. You must learn from your pain.
As traumatic as narcissistic abuse is, when we stay in victim mode, we don’t grow. When we learn from the past, to create who we are, we can look back and assign our past a different meaning. Yes, you have to look at the negatives at the start of who they are and what happened to you, so you can grieve, work through those emotions, break the trauma bond and start to rebuild your life, but to create that better life at some point we have to switch from “why did this happen to me.” To “what is this teaching me.” Then learning from it and creating a much happier life for you. Looking at how far you’ve come in the start, not how far you’ve got to go.
No one deserves abuse, and we have to be careful as most victims blame themselves and need to learn, the narcissists’ Abuse is not your fault. That was the narcissists choice. At the same time you, can not allow yourself into the mindset of then blaming all your life’s problems on others. We have to see the choices we made so that we can learn from them ( If your parent was a narcissist often most were not your choice at the time,) however, what meaning you give your past, and what you do now, is your choice, as hard as that choice might seem. We have to tune into those instincts and realise those times we found excuses and reasons to not listen to them. Those reasons and excuses, although valid within our minds, we’re also our enemies.
Now Abuse is Abuse, and no one deserves to be abused. Some narcissistic people are dangerous, so you need to be careful as you don’t fully know their capability’s. If you stay around negative toxic people, it’ll only bring you more harm. Getting out safely and staying out safely will bring you inner peace.
You’ve got to use your pain to overcome your fears and start working on what’s right for you, who you are, who you want to be, don’t let pride hold you back, if you fall, pick yourself back up, don’t let your ego destroy you, don’t let failure or mistakes destroy you, and don’t let any of them hold you back from living the life you want. Don’t let grudges and resentment hold you back, as they are keeping you locked onto the past, and sometimes forgiveness is for yourself. Forgive yourself for not seeing it sooner. You did no wrong trying to help others. Forgiveness is for your own peace of mind. Forgiveness is for your future.
Your past can define you negatively or positively, and you get to choose which one it’ll be. Past mistakes are past mistakes. You can learn from them and let them go, start living in the present moment and making your life how you want it to be.
Picture where you want to be in six months from now, start small, build it up big, for you are limitless, imagine that future, then create it, by putting in the work to take those steps to get to where you want to be.
Everything we have, see, or touch was once in someone’s imagination. They persevered through mistakes to make it a reality, what you do doesn’t have to be perfect to start, start somewhere, I am not saying become an inventor ( unless you want to be.) yet those first phones began in someone’s imagination, mistakes where made, yet look at the phone you use now. Technology still isn’t perfect. As a nation, we learn develop and grow.
Create your beliefs and values for yourself, be kind to others, even if that means walking away from those who are unkind to you. So you keep walking in the direction you want to with the people you want to, taking a sidetrack now and again is fine, just get back on the right track and go again.
The day you admit you’ve lost yourself trying to help those who don’t know themselves is the day you break free to find yourself and who you indeed are.
Don’t only learn from your own mistakes. Learn from other peoples mistakes also.
When you’ve been subconsciously programmed to believe certain negative things about who you are, it’s time to work on consciously changing those thoughts into who you want to be.
Working on you, where you want to be and who you want to be.
Push through your pain, push through your fear and create who you want to be.
Now is the time for you to gain the knowledge and power to turn yourself and your life around to where you want it to be, you are strong, you are wise, you have got this, you can, and you will leave your past behind and move forward to a happier you.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Reprogram your mind after narcissistic abuse.