Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
Why do they use the silent treatment?
Most narcissists will use silent treatment against you, some people who are genuinely hurt that are not on the spectrum may fall silent, but they will then talk to you and sort it out, narcissistic people use silent treatment to control you, confuse you, concern you, bewilder you, worry you, manipulate you, often causing anxiety to those the silent treatment is used on, silent has detrimental effects on those who’ve suffered that form of abuse, and as you probably know a narcissist will use it for any given occasion against you.
You might not realise you’ve hurt a genuine person feelings, or they might just be so overwhelmed by life that they are isolating themselves to gather their own thoughts, it’s nothing personal, these people most likely will not be after you to beg and plead for forgiveness, they will come round when they are ready to do so, they’ll not want you to feel bad, and most likely you’ll both apologize to each other, communicate and open up when you are both ready and reach a compromise.
Narcissists people, however, will be waiting on you to do all the chasing, for you to work out what you did, for you to blame yourself, is someone regularly give you the silent treatment, blames all others for problems within their own lives, comes across as entitled, rarely to never showing empathy and exploits people, it’s a narcissist giving you the silent treatment to further manipulate and gain control over you.
When my ex-narcissist got caught trying to get it on with his best friends wife. I got the blame for trying to ruin a family, I also then got the silent treatment for a week, even though we had an eight-month-old child, as it was my fault they had cheated, instead of apologising they then gave their best friend the silent treatment for months, until the best friend reached out to them, luckily their relationship survived as she was just conned by the narcissists lies, yet the narcissist is only in touch with his best friend when he requires something from him, help with car etc, in fact when his best friend went to help him buy a new car, which the narcissist purchased and over the years the car had no end of problems, every time the narcissist would say his best friend who worked on cars, told him to buy it as payback as he knew, yes of course narcissist, mechanics have that magical power looking into the future and knowing what’s going to go wrong with a car and when over a few years, but of course a narcissist has to blame everything wrong with their lives on those around them.
The more you plead with them to let you know what’s wrong, the more you message them to try and get in touch the more they enjoy it, it leaves you questioning what you did and working out how to fix something you didn’t even do. The more they know it’s affecting you, the more you plead and apologise, the longer they will continue, then when they feel like it, they will flick a switch and talk to you again.
The silent treatment is to get emotional reactions from you, to keep you emotionally paralysed and fixated on them, to assert control over you, to give them the power over you. The silent treatment is used so that you can no longer think clearly and chase them for answers, beg and plead with them to put you out of your misery that state of mind they placed you in. Leaving you with so many unhealthy emotions. Slowly killing the real you off from the inside.
Ways they use silent treatment.
1. The present silent treatment, in the car, on a day out, in the room, at the dining table. Wherever it is, they are with you yet they are silent towards you, they’ll most likely be happy and talkative with those around you, often using triangulation, to gather an army of enablers, telling those around you, how sulky you are, what a bad mood you are in, how you’ve done something wrong, of course, because the silent treatment causes psychological pain, you might come across as emotionally unstable, backing up the narcissists stories to those around you, and why it’s so easy for people to become an enabler to the narcissist.
2. Ignoring your messages, perhaps looking so you can see they’ve read them yet they’ll not respond. To cause that confusion within your mind, the pain from within as your a caring person and want to work things out, you don’t want conflict and distance, as the narcissist didn’t develop object consistency in early childhood, when there is conflict or distance they can simply just stop caring, why they find it so simple and easy to use the silent treatment against others.
3. Ignoring your calls, some may even answer yet not speak to you.
4. On social media responding and liking lots of comments, yet ignoring yours. To get your overthinking what’s happening and what you’ve done wrong.
5. Talking to everybody else, either the children or out at a social event, talking happily to everyone yet completely blanking you.
6. Randomly and unexpectedly blocking you on social media. The more curious you get about what’s happening and the less you can know creates that inner conflict and pain within your own mind, trying to work out what you have done so wrong.
7. Agreeing to take you somewhere then falling silent and not taking you. The false promises they like to use so much, to give you those dreams and the false sense of security, just so they can shatter them, often they will then blame it all on you when they had no intentions of taking you anyway. To escape their responsibility and to not be held accountable to their own actions.
8. Taking you somewhere then ignoring you whilst there.
9. Sleeping in the spare room, or the sofa for no apparent reason.
10. Sleeping in their car or caravan.
11. Walking out completely and doing the vanishing act on you.
12. When you speak saying to the children. “Did you hear someone complaining then.” The triangulation to divide and conquer, to get everyone believing their lies, and to cause feelings of anger within you.
13. Falling off the face of the planet without warning, friends and family don’t know where they are, one minute all is good next poof they are gone, days weeks and some will do it for months, no explanation, no nothing just gone.
14. Talking over you and only about themselves.
15. Replying to messages with. Who are you?
16. Flying monkeys telling you they’ve seen the narcissist with someone else because you’ve gone crazy.
People who care about you, do not treat you like this, never giving explanations, just disappearing then coming back when it suits them. The silent treatment is used as a weapon to get you to try harder, leaving you feeling crazy is abuse.
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so there are those who are extreme and you just need to go no contact and leave them be, there are those when you can grey rock and focus more on your life and less and less about them, and those who you can leave be, yet know how to handle yourself around them if you were unfortunate enough to have to deal with them.
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