Detaching yourself from the narcissist.
When you are still attached to a toxic person.
When you know someone is so bad for you now, so bad for your self-esteem and your trust, your happiness and your future, yet you just can not get over that toxic negative person and you keep going back to them, giving them a chance after chance, for them to hurt you all over again.
One minute they can be so loving, so kind, they next they stab you in the back, then they up and leave, then they reappear wanting you back, Psychological abuse has so many effects, while you are in it, you don’t even see it happening. Worst of all, narcissists will Manipulate you into believing everything is your fault. ￼
Some methods to try and turn it around and let the past hurt and pains go.
1. Writing it out.
Write down the story you are telling yourself, and then next to it, write the truth. Things like.
- We had an amazing connection.
They learned everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.
- They can change.
They’ve said they’d change so many times and never managed it. What’s different now? Nothing they will not change.
- It was my fault they acted that way.
No one deserves to be manipulated and abused.
- We could make it work this time.
What’s different this time to last? Nothing, we can never make it work as they do not love or care for me.
- I’ll never find real love.
If I go back to them, it’ll take longer to find real love, as they don’t love me.
2. What would your friend tell you if they knew everything?
Detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself, then think about your best friend. If the narcissist has cut you off from everybody, think of someone you used to be close to, who was always there for you. ( if the narcissist has cut you off, reach out to them, they may help.) then witness the whole relationship in its entirety through their eyes.
They would tell you. This person is bad for you. They are toxic. They have mental problems. If they know about narcissism, they may say to you that. ( if they told you before, believe them now, reach out to them, they told you because they care.) so tell yourself exactly what they would say to you.
3. What would you tell someone if they were going through what you are now?
Think of a couple, you know, if one of those were treating the other how the narcissist was treating you, what would you be telling them right now when that narcissist comes swooping back for them. Would you be telling them to run the other way? If it’s your parent or a close friend, what would you be telling someone if their parent was treating them the way yours does you?
It can be hard taking other peoples advice. It can be hard taking our own. However, sometimes we have to ask ourselves the questions in the right way, so we don’t make excuses, then we have to act on our own advice.
So now tell yourself to keep moving forward in your life, leaving them in your past.
When you are in it, your mind creates all sorts of stories with the help of twisted words from the narcissist. When you step away from it, tell your mind the truth and keep telling it the real story.
4. What’s the reality of staying or going back to them?
Think about if you stay, or go back, what it’ll be like in six months, one year, the pattern keeps cycling, you’ve already been around it before. Start giving yourself a better future by thinking about how happy you will be, everything you can do, without having the narcissist to answer too.
5. Remember, you don’t really love them. Even if you thought you did, or perhaps you still think you do, you are entitled to care about them.
Obsession, trauma bonding and attachment to anyone is not love. It’s intense. It’s mistaken for love. You think it’s love. It’s not love. It is those chemicals your body has released because of those highs and lows, and it’s not love. Are those highs really worth the lows and the doubts?
Start telling yourself over and over until it sinks into your mind, “ it’s not love. It is an addiction. It’s not love. It is an addiction.”
6. stick to boundaries and no contact.
Set boundaries and stop all contact. Grey rock if they still see the children. At the start, it’s going to be really hard. You will have withdrawals. Keep going. It gets easier. Do it now. You have to go through the withdrawals no other way. It’s far better to do it now than in ten years time. After withdrawals, you will reclaim your happiness.
7. Discover a new passion for yourself.
Replace that void, that they leave behind with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss. It’s the routine you miss.
When you’re having down moments, put some uplifting music on, or call someone close to you, do yoga, meditation or exercise, watch something funny that makes you laugh.
Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you. You can, and you will recover from this.
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Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.
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All about the narcissist Online course.
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The narcissists counter-parenting.
Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
One thought on “How To Detach Yourself From The Narcissist.”
Thank you so much that really helped me ill save it and ill be reading it everytime a wave of emotion comes over me which starting to get less and less and time moves on your words of wisdom are a god send and like you im rearing 5 children on my own and i wouldnt have it any other way 😉😉