Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Help with how to disarm a narcissistic person.
A narcissist will use anything, and everything against you, what you’ve done, what you didn’t do, what you love, what you hate, they use any and all fears that you might have, and we all have fears that we have to jump over, some fears are there to protect us, others hold us back if we don’t face them head-on and choose to run away from them, which is a very easy thing to do, run away from our fears. A narcissist will find all your strengths, then one by one they will criticise you on them all, in the hope of planting that self-doubt within your own mind, they will ridicule you and belittle you, either in the privacy of your own home, or subtly in front of others, they will also find all you vulnerabilities and weaknesses out about you, and instead of raising you up, they will use each and everyone against you, to keep that self-doubt locked within your own mind.
They will blame you, harass you, belittle you, annoy you, for anything and everything, that they want to use against you, to get their own needs met.
Offering you intermittent play nice stages, again, so you doubt your own thinking abilities.
The best action is no contact, but if you’ve got children with them, and the narcissist still sees the children, uses the children to get reactions from you, or if it would mean cutting out other family members or friends, you need to find a way to disarm them.
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so there are those who are cruel and calculating, there are also those who just act on impulse, only you know how dangerous the one you are dealing with could be, so keep yourself safe, yet don’t stop living your life for you.
Every villain has a weakness.
So what’s the narcissist weakness, not getting emotional responses or reactions is their weakness, not getting attention from others, hurts the narcissist’s ego, they feel entitled and superior, so when they are not getting attention or getting their own way, this hurts them. They show this by upping the tactics and their games, when they’re not getting any attention, when you leave them alone, not all will up their games and some are more hideous than others. When they leave you alone it’s not because they don’t want your attention, they are either finding it far to difficult to get what they desire from you, or it’s because they’re getting them elsewhere, good or bad. They may try again with you, days, weeks, months or years down the line, just don’t react, that’s all they want from you when you no longer play the game, they find someone who will.
If they’re guilt-tripping to bully you.
Threats to put fear into you.
Using your love to manipulate you.
Using your empathy to guilt trip you.
Using your insecurities to manipulate you.
Using your children to anger you.
They just want your reactions, to turn it all around, to blame it all on you, and take it all away from what they’ve actually done.
Deep inside, although they’ll never admit it they are shamed and angry with themselves, they need to turn it onto you to escape themselves.
They will have to put their insecurities and their problems and their feelings and their faults onto others to escape themselves. Not that they’ll ever admit to them even to themselves as to them the problem is never themselves, and the problem is those around them.
So their weakness is when they throw everything they have at you, working from one tactic to the next, and they get no reaction, you’ve taken their power of control over you away.
After some time, when you stand back and observe the games they are playing, you realise just how childish and silly they genuinely are.
Some are extremely dangerous when you will have to move miles away from, for safety, the children can not see them, most narcissists, however, are full of empty threats, or although abuse is abuse, mental or physical, they may have resorted to pushing walls, some even go to the extreme of head butting walls, they may throw things, they may have pulled your hair, just stick with your boundaries, do not let them in your home, get restraining orders if needed, then take the power away by not reacting.
Even when it comes to one of the narcissists favourites, the silent treatment, the whole idea of this is to upset and confuse you, it’s rather silly ignoring someone who’s actually enjoying the peace and quiet, so do not respond, they will talk when they want, my narcissists own mother wouldn’t react, to the narcissists silent treatment, she’d just wait until the narcissist wanted something from her ( not that I realised this at the time.) and then spoke to her again.
It is hard at first, you have emotional attachments, after all, they’ve done and said, how horrible they have been to you and made you feel, the way to stop these feeling, is no reaction, it is a learning curve, I know I’ve been through it, once you stick with it life becomes much more peaceful.
Once I realised, they were never going to see my point of view, and they were never going to understand me, they were never going to be accountable, they simply wanted my reactions, it became a lot easier just not to give any.
When they come at you, and you feel anger rising within, or frustration, normal human emotions, retreat, rethink and only respond once if you need to do so, once you are calm, and can respond in a none emotional manner.
Once you get control of the power of your emotions and reactions, the narcissist has no control over you.
If a toddler calls you names, you don’t take it personally, think of them as they are a toddler throwing tantrum in an adults body.
A narcissist is Not reasonable, rational, realistic or fair.
It’s incredibly difficult when you first start, to stop taking things personally, once you stop reacting, it will become easy.
They will not change, they have a disorder, it’s who they are.
They cannot meet their own needs without destroying others.
They’ve had this kind of relationship countless times, and they will continue to do so. It did not start with you, and it will not end with you, you did not cause it, and you can not change it, they are in control of themselves in an out of control way, they live life how they want, to take your power back, leave them to it, and now live your life how you want.
You may have gone out with lots of narcissistic people, and it’s time to stop, work on you, love yourself, then find a good person like you, that doesn’t need to go around destroying others.
The narcissist had gone around behaving this way with people before they met you, and it will continue with other people after you’ve stopped playing, you can not help, it did not start with you, and it will not end with you.
No reaction is one of the best ways to disarm them.
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How they invalidate you.