Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
Not everyone is a narcissistic person, some people are just hard to deal with, just confident, just egotistical, just awkward, some have Borderline personality disorder, we are all created unique, as much as there are some truly horrible, people in the world, there’s also those who need help, and understanding, there are also millions upon millions of truly amazing, kind people in the world.
If your ex had all the traits of a narcissistic person did all those abusive manipulate things. That you didn’t even see happening to you, to the point you ended up questioning if you were a narcissist because of your reactions, ask your self one thing, have you behaved like that with others or only around narcissistic people, to defend yourself? You are not a narcissist, no matter what you did, or didn’t say.Did or didn’t do you don’t deserve to be treated the way a narcissistic person treated you.
You might be questioning everyone around you right now, you perhaps can not get to grips with the idea, that people like this exist in the world, yet come across so normal at first and so normal to others.
If you spent, weeks months or years of your life with them. It’s extremely difficult to move forward, especially if you’ve got children with them and still have to see them.
Most of us are left at the start with a lot of hurt, pain, anger and resentment. A lot might be thinking of revenge or when will karma hit the?
The best, consequence you can give to them, is let them go, let them get on with their inner misery, that they hurt so much they have to pass it onto others, one of the most awful things is a lot of this not always is due to some form of childhood trauma, they don’t remember. As you’ve probably tried countless times to help, them, they’ve promised to changes countless times, yet they never made that change why? Because most don’t even know why they ended up like that, they just feel better about themselves when they destroy others. you can not help them, you gave it your all.
The best revenge, the best karma, the best punishment, is to go and do what they never can, go and be happy, go and move forward with your own life, by feeling sorry for yourself, feeling hatred and pain, that’s only allowing them to steal more of your life from you, more of your happiness from you. Yes, you need to grieve the. You need to move forward with your life, They don’t deserve any more of your time, your love or your energy, they had that, they didn’t want that, they blew it.
If you have children together You might still be nervous when you have to see them, whilst passing the children over, if you work on you, it gets easier and to the point you are no longer afraid, ( again some are extremely dangerous and safeguarding issues are to big a risk for the children to have contact. ) those who do however, you will learn they are just one big bully and once you do stand up to them, with your new found self-respect and boundaries, you’ll notice they cycle around the same cycle of manipulation tactics, to try and get to you, every time you don’t react they keep going and eventually move onto the next, then when you don’t react they go onto another. Eventually going back around to where they first started.
When you see what they truly are, observe how they truly act, understand they have no power over you anymore to so desperately get that reaction from you they so need and so want, when you know you have the gift and opportunity to teach your own children, with kind positive words, on how they want and should be treated, with the right steps in place, grey rock, limited contact, lots of explanation of opinions and boundaries, yes at times it’s tough, at times it’s incredibly hard and draining, yet for your children so worth it, they’ll be able to spot a manipulative person a mile away, when they are older, you’ll no longer be afraid of that narcissist, you’ll no longer fear to say No,
If you don’t allow it, they no longer have any hold over you, just stay out of it when they have the children, yes again hard as you parent your way, they’ll do whatever they can to get a rise out of you, just parallel parent, your children will learn for themselves, who was always there always kind, even if like all parents you have the odd occasion of raising your voice, don’t have the money to get them something they so desperately want. Children need presence over presents, they need nurture and care, they need to feel understood, around the narcissist like you found out they not feel understood, why limited contact is a must.
Only you know how your narcissist ticks, yes they have all the same traits, people have Eerily similar stories, but even narcissist are individuals, only you know how your children are coping, mine currently have one night in the week and one day at the weekend and they are thriving now they don’t see or hear from them everyday, if that changes I’ll change it, if a bigger safeguarding issue comes up I’ll do whatever I need to do, until then it’s working,
So if they don’t see them at all due to safeguarding, once a year, once a month or once a week, you know what they are capable of, you know how your children are coping, if they’ve managed to make out your crazy and they have custody, work on your recovery, then get up and fight for your children, you can and you will.
Forgiveness is not for them, that’s for you. No matter what’s happened you deserve to be happy, yes bad things happen to good people, it doesn’t have to destroy the rest of your life.
We have things that happen to us, that shape us and change us,
They no longer have to define you, what defines you now you know who they are, is how you react, the choices you now make for yourself, put up your boundaries today and no longer let the control you, instead of control yourself, who you want to be and what you want to do.
You are who you want to be, there’s no wrong way or right way on how you handle the parenting, only your way. Regain yourself, regain your trust in you, regain your power over you and your life.