Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
To us, its Valentines Day, a day to treat, spoil and spend time with those we love creating lasting memories. To the narcissist its victory day, as it’s only ever about them as they feel entitled to exploit others to get their own needs met.
Whatever happens on Valentine’s Day, the narcissist will do their best as always to come out on top.
If you still in the if idolisation stage on Valentine’s Day, to them not a lot of effort is involved. Yet they will turn it up to be the best day ever for you. To show you how amazing they are and everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner, they will have studied and learnt everything about you, so the female might cook your favourite meal, let you watch your favourite sport or film. Male or female will have picked up a card, quickly as the shops are full of them, the male will buy you, your favourite flowers, perfume, chocolates, jewellery, book your favourite restaurant they will know whichever it is you prefer, they will do whatever necessary to keep you hooked, they will use it to their advantage, to further manipulate you. It’s all to further their own gain, to manipulate and take advantage of you.
When you’re In devaluation, they might not even recognise or acknowledge the day.
You might be one to get your hopes up that they still love and care so that you can grow your hopes and dreams again. They may turn up with a carrier bag with a card and an unwrapped gift in if they think they need to draw you back in and give you a taste of what was on that day.
They will enjoy all the positive attention you’re giving them, if you’re happy and grateful they remembered.
As with most special occasions, unless you’re in the golden period, trying to draw you back in or they are trying to hoover. There will be no card, no gift, no remark about the occasion. They may have sent flowers to someone. They may call you to say, and they’ve got something on, this is usually they’ve got someone new on. If you become disappointed and react, they’ll enjoy the negative attention. They will daylight you with ”You’re insecure.” if you question what they are doing instead of spending time with you, they use our expectations against us, to provoke negative emotions and reactions from within us, when realistically as hard as it is, when someone brings out this side in us it’s time to walk away.
They might tell you. “We don’t need to bother with that silliness any more. We’ve been together years.” Or “ I don’t need a day to be told when I need to inform you of when I love you.”
Whatever stage you are at in the relationship with the narcissist, to you it’s Valentine’s Day, to them its victory day.
Idolisation stage, they go all out to suck you in, hook, line and sinker, to gain positive emotions and attention from you.
Devaluation, to pull negative emotions and attention from you, gaslight you into more self-doubt.
Discard. They give you nothing and get negative emotions from you.
Hoover, when they use Valentine’s day to draw you back in.
So this Valentine’s Day, if you’re alone, treat yourself, love yourself, respect yourself, and go do whatever makes you happy for you, if you’ve met someone new who’s good for you, enjoy being treated right.
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