Narcissist, hate not being in control and not being the centre of attention, in the beginning of the relationship the golden period it’s amazing, it’s just to confuse you even more, when those special occasions happen, because they can cause an argument and blame it all on you, please see my post, on why they like to argue for more information.
One example of a special occasion, what they do, how you react, then doubt it was them, believing it was you, which is all down to the narcissists manipulation, win-win to a narcissist they take you down, twist it onto you, ruin the day.
The first few occasions, they train you to no longer voice, your thoughts, you’re feelings and your opinions, so you learn to try new methods in communication, to avoid reaction, then when you think you’ve cracked it, they step it up a gear and change tactics so you work harder to please them.
The very first occasions was Mother’s Day, one of my boundaries with the home, are we get drinks downstairs, if you want one upstairs, it’s water in a water bottle, I’d worked long and hard to decorate the home nicely, those carpets were new and they were not cheap, I didn’t have financial abilities just to replace, just simple give and take and respect, I also only took water up, if anyone can spill a drink without trying in the home, that would be me.
To normal people life’s about compromise, give and take, I don’t like drinks being spilt on carpets, if the children want drinks upstairs they can water in bottles, if they would like juice then they take themselves downstairs they understand this, they understand why, they have respect for property, rules and boundaries, now some people allow this, that’s fine, it’s about your own personal boundaries and mutual respect for each other, the older ones are young adults now they take the drinks upstairs, I still don’t, I’m still clumsy and spill them.
The narcissist awoke grumpy, with you “know what I’m like in a morning,” I was being taken out for a lovely meal, the narcissist started with their game of sending the wash basket lid down the stairs after the children, in the golden period, I’d spoken up many times about this, one its wicker it could hurt someone, two it was slowly breaking it and damaging the walls, of course when I speak up I’d get, “It’s only a fun game,” “they are lads,” “we are only messing.” “you are overprotective.” I did speak up I got told the same, I was starting to feel annoyed as my instinct was saying it’s not a game, they are aiming straight at my children and laughing a strange laugh, my heads telling me they are doing it to their own child too it must be a game, the children are laughing, I’m been oversensitive, it is a game, my hearts telling me, the children are too young to understand, I’m being too strict with them, they are laughing after all.
The narcissist saying to the children. “ isn’t she grumpy today? We’re only having fun, she always wants to spoil our fun.” What you don’t realise at the time is the narcissist is plotting the start of the divide and conquer. Including my own children trying to turn them against each other and against me, with careful words and manipulation.
Then they got the children to run me a nice warm bath, ( note how they didn’t they got the children to, but at the time I thought, they’re teaching the children to be kind. I didn’t realise they are lazy and get everyone else to do things for them.)
Now I could have a nice soak in the bath before we head out, how thoughtful, how caring, how kind, time to relax, I was just being overly cautious on a silly game wasn’t I? It’s only a wash basket it can be replaced the children were laughing anyway, so it’s all good of course the narcissist was plotting my takedown. Once in that nice warm bath, in they came to Chuck cold water on me of course to them. “It’s only a game.” I’m starting to get annoyed. I ask “Please don’t do that.” Whilst the narcissist is Saying to the children. “ look how ungrateful someone is today.”
What they do in the start is to learn everything about you, they know you care and think about others opinions, they know you have empathy and will adapt to others. They know the things that will get to you, they use words to slowly make you doubt yourself, they start with your simple boundaries that some people wouldn’t even have so you question yourself, to use them against you as you know some people yourself are these boundaries daft? Are they really needed? once they go for the small boundaries and conquer, they then work on breaking your bigger boundaries,
After the bath I hear whispers from the narcissist, “your mum wouldn’t let you, but she’s far too regimented.” Of course, someone picking you apart to your children gets a rise out of you. So I go into see as I’m not fully aware of what’s about to happen believing the narcissist to be normal, they all have drinks. So I ask the children to take them downstairs, what I didn’t see at the time is I’d criticised the narcissist in front of my children and his. It didn’t matter that they had disrespected me to the children first, no I was at fault. To which I got all the, how dare you talk to me that way, I naturally stood up for myself, I’m not perfect I make mistakes, so I responded with, “I only asked them to take the drinks back downstairs.” The narcissist went into the full-on argument mode. With the waking up grumpy, wash basket lid, cold water thrown at me in the bath, the things they were saying to the children, I’d had enough, they had slowly and carefully taken me down, upset me, annoyed me, got me questioning myself, got me annoyed with myself, when the argument started I was ready to let rip, they knew this that was their plan all along, at the time I didn’t see, I thought it was me.
What did this result in, the baseball bat getting picked up by the narcissist and the t.v and wardrobes getting smashed to nothing, me upset calling my older children’s dad to pick them up. The narcissist stomping off with their child who was saying “ I could have had that telly.” The amazing brilliant kids that see it in such a different light.
Of course they gave me the silent treatment, whilst I was left trying to work out what’s just happened on Mother’s Day, it was supposed to be a nice family day, was I wrong in wanting this? When they came back I got all the. “ I’m sorry but if you hadn’t shot your mouth off, I wouldn’t have done it.” If you hadn’t spoken to me as you did it wouldn’t have happened.” “Least I didn’t hit you with it, I’d never do that.” And “if you weren’t so hard to live with.” “If you didn’t push my buttons.”
What the narcissist does is love bomb you so much in the start, they are simply perfect, amazing, loving and kind,
Then they slowly pick you apart with knowing your hates, your boundaries, using them against you to get you annoyed, then when you react they react, then they turn it into being all your fault for reacting.
No, it’s not your fault nothing you do warrants, mental abuse, emotional abuse, disrespect, anger, silent treatment, gas lighting and so many more. A decent person wouldn’t walk all over you to push your buttons, then blame you for their reactions because you pushed theirs.
With all the tactics and words that they use you slowly doubt yourself, as you got angry you believe it was you, their twisted words confuse you the more you stand up to these twisted words, the more they change them and blame it all on you, as they are never accountable.
It leaves you feeling like you’re in the wrong, slowly changing yourself so that you don’t cause an argument by letting go of your boundaries, so you walk on eggshells, to try your best to counteract any bad treatment, every time you do, they will up their game which makes you slowly lose more and more of yourself.
They will slowly pick you apart, put you into a trance so you no longer know reality, turn you against friends and family so you have no one to turn to, some get you to move miles away, mine did try that one. They leave you completely alone with no one to turn to for reality except them, when you start to wake and realise, they manipulate more to keep you in your place, when they see you are truly starting to wake, they smear you to everyone, because of everything that’s happening, you do look like the crazy one, the one to blame, which with all the trauma bonding from all those highs and lows, you get drawn back in time and time again.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.