So you have a narcissist in your life. You perhaps wish it was not the case, or at least they would suddenly become a loving, caring, empathetic person, yet they are not. They are selfish, negative and hurtful. No matter how many times you’ve given them another chance to learn from their own mistakes and no longer hurt you, they hurt you again, time and time again the pain hits, until one day you’ve finally had enough and make the difficult choice to walk away, then all hell breaks loose, and the manipulative games and smear campaigns begin. This is for those on the lower end of the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. If you have children with them or it’s a parent you can not go no Contact with as that would mean cutting off genuine people. Now those on the upper end of the scale, you will have no choice but to start no contact and stick to it no matter what. It isn’t easy. It is possible.
You do not have to live the rest of your life being controlled by the narcissist’s never-ending games, get control back of your beliefs, your values, your standards, put yourself and your children first, do not listen to the narcissist’s toxic words.
Here in Facebook messenger, you can have ignored messages, meaning you’ll still receive them, they’ll not know you have read them, and you can look when you are calm and collected to do so, if they have sent something that still hits a nerve, retreat, rethink and only respond once when calm if you need to do so.
When you get to a point where you are good with who you are, which will happen, find the laughter in their unbelievable messages, it truly helps.
Another thing is to set up a new email address only for them to email you, so you only see if you look.
The narcissist may be in your life. They do not have to be in your head. The grey rock requires practice, and you won’t get it right the first time, but when used consistently, it will put emotional distance between you and the narcissist. It’s Observe don’t Absorb if you are face to face with them.
The best way to handle a narcissist ex is no contact when you have children with them. This isn’t always possible, so the best step is grey rock. As I said above, with practice, it’s very achievable. In the future, it’ll become second nature, you may also get to the point where you don’t love the narcissist, you don’t hate the narcissist, you want nothing to do with them, but you can not help pitying them, for going around in circles, with nothing in their lives other than abuse and control.
Believe you will get to the point when your emotions are purely pity towards them when you read a response and realise that is how they see it. It’s not how it is, but they are so full of self-pity, and woe is me they believe the worlds against them.
Why will grey rock work? A narcissist is a false person in a mask, believing they are the star of the movie. It’s very difficult to be that star without the supporting cast, the directors, the film crew, and no audience to watch, something that didn’t get made. They might try now and again, while ever you’re giving emotional responses, they will keep going.
Charles Dickens once wrote, “blood cannot be obtained from a stone.”
So with the grey rock, it’s a case of emotions that cannot be obtained by a rock.” The narcissist is trying to gain emotions, and you will be the rock.
Keep conversation to an absolute minimum. If you don’t have to talk to them, don’t. If you don’t need to talk to them, don’t.
When you do have to talk to them, stick to tedious subjects like the weather. If they ask questions, give short, uninspiring answers that can’t possibly lead to further conversation. “ that’s interesting.” “Ok.” “Yes.” “No.” Do not get drawn in, do not go off-topic. Keep responding with “ interesting.” If they try new topics, if you don’t want to commit with a yes or no. “ we’ll see.” “Hmmm.”
They ask, “how are you?” and you respond, “fine, thanks.” Do not ask how they are.
They ask, “what did you do at the weekend?” and you respond “, Washed the pots.” Or “cut the grass.” Or “ nothing.” Do not ask them what they did.
If they respond with “you’ve become boring,” just nod. No need to respond. You know different.
Never talk about your personal life. They will hook onto the smallest detail, don’t let them know anything about your new life. They are extremely envious people and will try to hoover if they think they can get something from you.
Never tell them how well you are doing. They are driven by their egos. As much as you’d like to show them how well your doing, DO NOT. They believe they are better than anyone. This will ignite their inner rage, if that’s in anger or coming to hoover you back up.
Do not ask them questions. No conversation at all.
When you do have to talk face to face, look over their right ear. Show no emotion, do not respond or react, whatever they may say if you need to let it out once they’ve left, do so. Never in front of the narcissist.
Try to stick to facts wherever possible.
Stick to statements. “Antibiotics at 11, 15:00 and 19:00.”
“Parent evening Thursday at 17:00.”
Do not respond to anything after they have the information they need. What they choose to do with that is up to them.
Do not talk about the past. If they try to reminisce, with a do, you remember. Your answer is. “No.” Stick with “no.” Look past them, through them or blankly.
If they blame you for something via message, do not respond or explain. That’s what they want. You’ll have given them countless opportunities in the past and explained till your blue in the face. They are not listening if they blame you to your face it. “Ok.” Or play them at their own game. “ I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Grey rock isn’t easy, especially at the start, but it soon becomes second nature. It’s very effective.
You may want to stand up for yourself, scream and shout at them. ( let it out once they have gone) Do not do this. Stand up for yourself by leaving them to get on with their pitiful lives while you enjoy yours. That is the best way to stand up to them. The more you do grey rock, and you’ll soon get to a point you no longer feel the need to react, baby steps until you reach that point.
Remember, your rules, your boundaries, your values, your standards, you have given them enough chances.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. (Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw
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