Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
A narcissist can lie and do so with such truth and conviction that most people get sucked in by their endless games and lies.
Why they lie and some of the more common lies they tell for you to look out for.
They have often buried their real selves, and if they were born this way or had some trauma in their childhood it is not fully known, psychologist believes narcissists and sociopaths are made throughout life, and psychopaths are born. The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, although they all have traits, it varies from each narcissist, which tactics they use most, and the severity of the tactics. The main thing with a narcissist is complete lack of empathy towards others, their inability to be accountable for anything, always blaming others for their own faults. They believe they are entitled and they exploit people to meet a need of their own, good people can tell white lies, usually not to hurt another’s feelings, as we all make mistakes, or tell white lies, like if your child wants chocolate and you just blurt out without thinking that you haven’t got any money, as you think they’ve had enough treats that day, and you’ve not got the energy to explain. Narcissists lie purely to meet a need of their own, often they tell that many lies they genuinely believe them as they become their own reality, Not all narcissists are the grandiose ones, not all are successful, and those who are not successful will have endless reasons as to why it’s someone else fault, not all are amazing looking or beautiful, because of their own insecurities they use a self-image to feel better about themselves, they lie about achievements to look better than they are, they also believe they are above all those around them. They have little self-esteem, so have to destroy others, to try and hide away from their true selves. So they use manipulation and lies to seem like they are Better than who they indeed are.
Common lies they say, do and why. Have you heard any?
Number 1. The idolisation.
“You’re my soulmate.”
“I’ve never met anyone like you before.”
Usually very quickly after meeting them. While in the idealisation stage, if you’ve been with a narcissist, you’ll know how amazing they are in the beginning, it’s all an illusion. They are wanting your admiration, and they admire things in you, those qualities they admire in you they mirror you, matching all your likes and dislikes, to get all the positive admiration from you. You could say that you had actually fallen in love with the great person you are, so if you’re fresh out and thinking about that start and how much you loved them, remember what it was, and start doing those things for yourself again, the best relationship you can have, is the one within yourself. They want you to feel special in the beginning, because they want something from you. They use flattery, so you fall for them, most don’t actually pay genuine compliments to you.
Number 2. To hook you in more.
“I love you.”
“You’re the only one for me.”
“I’ve never met anyone like you.”
Yes, people who aren’t a narcissist can say those things, if you ask a narcissist why they love you it’ll never be about you, it will always be about what you do for them and what you provide them. Where we see a t.v as an appliance to watch something, the narcissist sees people as an appliance, to gain attention, emotions and material items. So how you like to buy a new t.v they like to buy a new person with the love-bombing then they will devalue, then discard when they believe they’ve used you up.
Number 3. Blame shifting, Triangulation, Guilt trips.
“It’s because you didn’t that I acted that way.”
“My friend’s partner lets them do it.”
“ If you paid more attention.”
“ After all, I do for you, and this is how you repay me.”
“ It’s not my fault.”
“ They came after me and wouldn’t leave me alone.”
They do not take responsibility for their own actions unless it’s something good. Therefore they project their faults onto you. As they don’t have a cognitive reflection, they can not look back and see any part they played in their problems, to them it truly is always someone else’s fault as to why they can not have their own way, or why life isn’t working out for them. If you catch them cheating, remember it’s their fault for not committing to you, but they will turn it around to why you were at fault, and a lot of us do forgive them and try again, due to the manipulation and self-doubt the narcissist has used over a prolonged period of time. They will also use triangulation to divide and conquer people, and they will guilt trip to confuse and get you to break down your boundaries and to conform The there rules.
Number 4. Guilt trip and blame-shifting.
“You weren’t there for me.”
They want attention, and they don’t want you putting anything or anyone, before them, when you do, you may get the sulks, the rage, the silent treatments, the pity plays. Remember to ask yourself, are your values, opinions, boundaries and standards are they being respected? Good people don’t have to agree, yet they can recognise and respect each other’s. If you were with a narcissist, did you lose yourself? If you’re wondering if the person you are or were with is a narcissist. Ask yourself, have you got to keep changing your beliefs, and who you are, what you like to do to suit them? A relationship is about give and sometimes take 50/50 others 10/90 then 90/10 back to 50/5O depending what each one is going through at any given time if you’re doing all the giving and they are doing all the taking, its time to walk away if you’ve left it’s time for no contact.
Number 5 Pity Plays.
“I need you to help me.”
They do this for fear of their true selves coming out to all those around them. I do believe it’s possible for anyone to change, from all the information I’ve studied I’ve not come across a narcissist who has. This is because they have a disorder, and that is who they are. They are unable to empathise, or self reflect. The problem is even if they go to counselling to get change, it’s usually to keep someone hooked, and not because they want to. As they are not accountable, because to them it’s always someone else’s fault, it’ll be your fault that they are in counselling, so as soon as they have been seen to do what you wanted, they change back as it’s all to get what they want from you. Basically, they go back to who they are. They only do anything if they believe there is something in it for them.
Number 6. Gaslighting.
“I never said that.”
“You’re hearing things.”
This has got to be one of their favourites, from staying faithful, to paying bills, taking you out, to cutting the grass, to saying they will pay you back. Then when you ask why they haven’t, they will turn it onto you, cause an argument, leaving you to feel confused and full of self-doubt. They will cause an argument and blame it on you to get out of doing anything. They may take you out, only if they fear they are losing you and haven’t got a replacement lined up, they only do anything, if theirs something in it for themselves. They only do things to use you not to help you.
“Don’t worry about anything.”
The narcissist believes they are above everyone else, including the police, the court, the law basically. They will always use someone else as a scapegoat. They will make plenty of mess in all areas of life, and they will expect you to clean up after them, as in their eyes it’s your fault.
Number 8. superiority.
“I’m so intelligent.”
“I’ve achieved so much.”
They want everyone around them to look up and respect them, the more you get to know them, or did know them, the more you realise most of what they said they had achieved, is either lies or exaggerated.
The narcissists lie, manipulates and projects. Because they have little to no self-esteem. They have to show themselves and all those around them, that they are superior. They have to put others down, to raise themselves up. This is why most narcissists cannot be alone. They are extremely jealous and envious of others. Therefore they will invalidate people, to place self-doubt in people’s beliefs or their own abilities, in all those around them, purely so they can stay on top.
Narcissists can talk a great talk, but they don’t walk the walk, so make sure peoples actions match their words.
Please add in comments any of the lies you heard. To help others spot a narcissist.
Remember you are amazing, and you can have a wonderful life, without all those lies and negativity vibes, something that narcissist in your life is striving to achieve, yet as they cycle around the same patterns of behaviour blaming all others, they never do. However, you can reflect, you can learn from past mistakes, or errors in judgment, you can leave your past life in the past, and start building a whole new much happier life for you.
You can, and you will.
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Video on how they invalidate people.
Video on the stages they take you through.