Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
The hoover, Is named after the hoover, as the narcissist only wants to suck you back in, once they have achieved this, they will treat you like dirt again.
Be it, days, weeks, months or years most narcissist will always come for the hoover.
If it’s before you’ve recovered, or after you’ve recovered, you may suddenly get a message from the narcissist, or if you have children with them, they might suddenly change how they talk to you. When they do this, you may feel anger, guilt, your self-confidence might go, you may wonder what they will try next, you might still question if they are a narcissist and your self-doubt might creep back in.
You may think right now, there is no way you’d get back together with this person, unfortunately, they are good at what they do and most people have gone back at least once, often a lot more than once, especially if you didn’t know what they were.
Remember narcissist, do not respect boundaries or rules, they are not accountable, they are always right, they believe they should have all control and all power. They believe they own you and should be able to have you back, whenever they choose. It’s never about you and it’s always what the narcissist wants,
As soon as you fall for one of their manipulative tactics, they have got what they need. They only come back to get what they need from you or a relationship. Do not fall for it, for your own sanity, leave them be.
These are how they might hoover.
Hoover 1. This could be the Message, if you’re in contact over children, they might change how they message you if you don’t have children they might try and email you or use a friend via Facebook if you’ve blocked them. You may feel lonely, you may want that apology, don’t do it no reaction, no contact.
hoover 2. You haven’t been together for a while, then they send you a nice gift which gets you thinking about how nice they could be, so your message to thank them, and you’re drawn back in.
You remember how sweet they could be, no it’s just a trick, no reaction, no contact.
Telling you how much they missed and love you, that you are their soulmate and they see this now.
You think things will be different this time,
It will not. No reaction, no contact.
hoover 3. They may suddenly get in touch asking you about a good time you had had together or somewhere you visited together, something you did with the kids, anything to bring up good memories.
You could feel ashamed of how things ended, again it’s a trick, no reaction, no contact.
hoover 4. The accidental contact, they may bump into you somewhere, or they may send you a message then pretend it was for someone else,
You start to think about them again. stop no reaction, no contact.
hoover 5. They may apologise, the false apology, if they say they’ll change, remember you’ve heard it all before, it’s all lies.
You may want to clear the air with them, they weren’t that bad were they? Yes, they were, no reaction, no contact.
hoover 6. There’s a crisis, the victim pity play, they will use fake illness for themselves or for family members, as they know the empathy you have will mean you want to help.
You want to rescue you might feel bad, run for the hills it’s a trick, no reaction, no contact.
hoover 7. They might ask a friend or family member to contact you for them.
You might be curious. You might want to not look rude by not replying to their family or friends. Again tricks, lies and manipulation, no reaction, no contact.
hoover 8. Calling you up to say they’re moving away, would like to see you one last time before they leave, so you meet for a coffee.
You’d like closure, it’s another trick. No
Reaction, no contact.
hoover 9. They will beg, make great promises for the future, tell you they will change, cry, yell, shame, threats, try to guilt trip, blame shift, make false accusations. No reaction, no contact.
If you left them, and they win you back. It will be worse as they’ll try to punish you for abandoning them.
They will try being sweet at first, or vulnerable, or add the pity ploy, they might act like they are sorry. It’s a lie to hook you in, no reaction, no contact.
If your boundaries are solid and that doesn’t work.
They will tell you, they may tell you that you’re a horrible person.
They may then shift onto how amazing their new partner is and they don’t need you anyway. Or that they just want the best for you.
Your standing firm and your boundaries are strong. They will go after what matters to you the most and go all out to destroy it, they’ll tell you what a rubbish parent you are, or the no one like you.
They may leave you alone for a while even years, then they’ll start all over again.
The narcissist knows how to suck people in, so remember they are only in it for themselves. They only come back and try the hoover if they believe they can gain something from you. Not because they love or care for you.
Do not fall for their tricks, keep moving forward, no contact, grey rock, stay strong, enjoy your freedom, narcissist know they can pull ex’s back in, that trauma bond lasts and it completely normal to want to go back, but you need to remember how bad they made you feel. No reaction, no contact.
Get out, stay out, grey rock with children involved or no contact.