Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The hoover, Is named after the hoover, as the narcissist only wants to suck you back in, and once they have achieved this, once their own selfish needs have been met, they will then treat you like dirt again, and discard you all over again.
Be it, days, weeks, months or years, most narcissist will at some point come for the hoover.
If it’s before you have recovered, or after you have recovered, you may suddenly get a message from the narcissist, or if you have children with them, they might unexpectedly change how they talk to you. When they do this, you may feel so many emotions from anger to guilt, and your self-confidence might go, you may wonder what they will try next, you might still question if they are indeed a narcissist and your self-doubt might creep back in.
You may think right now, that there is no way you’d get back together with this person. Or you might still have the trauma bond and want them back. Unfortunately, they are extremely good at what they do, and most people have gone back at least once, often a lot more than once, especially if you didn’t know what they were. We do, however, learn and at some point, we break free, and we stay free.
Remember the narcissist, does not respect boundaries or rules; they are not accountable; they are always right; they believe they should have all the control and all the power. They think they own you and should be able to have you back, whenever they choose. It’s never about you, and it’s always what the narcissist wants. They believe they are entitled to have what they want when they want, and they can throw almighty tantrums from the silent treatments to the rage to try and exploit others and get their own way.
As soon as you fall for one of their manipulative tactics, they have got what they need. They only come back to get what they need from you or a relationship. Here are a few things to watch out for when they come back playing nice.
If you are still questioning if they are a narcissist or not, write down all the ways that they have hurt you in the past, narcissistic or not if they are toxic and make you miserable, you can go it alone, take those baby steps, recover and move onto a much happier life. Do your best to find new positive things that you love doing and make you feel happy, to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied.
These are a few common examples of how a narcissist might hoover.
Hoover 1. This could be a Message; if you are in contact over the children, they might change how they message you if you don’t have children they might try and email you or use a friend via Facebook if you’ve blocked them.
Narcissists do this to test the waters and their chance of getting you back. You may feel lonely; you may want that apology, don’t do it no reaction, no contact, often if you react negatively, they will accept this also and use all they can to hit you with more messages to get those reactions from you.
Hoover 2. You haven’t been together for a while, then they send you a nice gift which gets you thinking about how nice they could be, so your message to thank them, and you’re drawn back in.
You remember how sweet they could be, no it’s just a trick, no reaction, no contact, their admiration face has come out to play, to suck you back in as you have something they want, keep your borders up and keep them away from your territory. If you’re feeling weak which a lot do until recovered, write down all other times they played nice, you showered them back with attention then what happened? Did it cycle back to the end? Start journaling about each and every good thing you’ve achieved since you split up, no matter how big or small to remind yourself why you need to stay free.
Hoover 3. If you still see them in person, they might start telling you how much they have missed and love you, that you are their soulmate and they see this now. You like so many others might think things will be different this time. It will not. No reaction, no contact. Just respond with. “That’s interesting,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” If face to face. Tell them “I don’t feel that way.” And leave it at that. You do not need to explain why to them, and you need to know your why? As to why you will not go back? If you can not remember in a moment of weakness and most have those moments have them written down to remind you, at the same time have positive things written down as to what you are going to do with your life now you are free. Take action to achieve your new goals and dreams.
Hoover 4. They may suddenly get in touch asking you about a good time you had had together or somewhere you visited together, something you did with the kids, anything to bring up good memories. You could then feel ashamed of how things ended, and again it’s a trick, no reaction, no contact. If you’ve reached a better happier place, you are allowed to remember the good, you lived those moments, yet recognise the reality of the relationship in its entirety, not better than it was and not worse than it was, just as it was. How you truly feel when around them.
Hoover 5. The accidental contact, they may bump into you somewhere, or they may send you a message then pretend it was for someone else, you might then start to think about them again. Stop no reaction, no contact. Just as you might have finally evicted them from running around your mind rent-free, and that, most likely took time and self-work to do so, then suddenly boom they are back, you are allowed to think about them, don’t question if they have changed, instead think they have a disorder, one that you did not cause, one that you can not change, and one you can not control, it’s how they are, however, you can take back control of your thoughts, give yourself ten minutes or however long you’d like, acknowledge to yourself. “I’m going to reminisce, I know they are toxic then I’m going to do????.” And go do something that takes your mind elsewhere, watch something funny, call a friend, read a book, clean, run, yoga, whatever you enjoy doing for you, and bring all your mind and attention onto that present moment.
Hoover 6. They may apologise, the false apology, if they say they’ll change, remember you’ve heard it all before, it’s all lies. You might want to clear the air with them, no reaction, no contact. You don’t need to clear the air with them, only yourself, Observe the false apology words for what they indeed are, manipulation to use you again, don’t Absorb, as you’re a good, kind, caring person, most want to believe their apology, look for times you have in the past only for them to hurt you again. An apology without changed behaviour is just further manipulation.
Hoover 7. There’s a crisis, the victim pity play, they will use fake illness for themselves or for family members, as they know the empathy you have will mean you want to help. You want to rescue you might feel bad not doing, yet, run for the hills it’s a trick, no reaction, no contact. They are no longer your problem, ask yourself, would they come to help you if it was the other way around? If you really need to help them, call and inform their family or friends, and leave them to deal with them, it’s ok to be selfish towards those who are never there for you.
Hoover 8. They might ask a friend or family member to contact you for them. You might be curious. You might want to not look rude by not replying to their family or friends. Again tricks, lies and manipulation, no reaction, no contact. Best is no response if you do respond, keep it single. “O.k.” Or “thanks.” Don’t tell them anything about you as that information shall be fed straight back to the narcissist.
Hoover 9. Calling you up to say they’re moving away, would like to see you one last time before they leave, so you meet for a coffee. You’d like closure, and it’s another trick. No Reaction, no contact. If they have you on the phone, just say “thank you but no.” Do not arrange to meet them.
Hoover 10. They will beg, make great promises for the future, tell you they will change, cry, yell, shame, threats, try to guilt trip, blame shift, make false accusations. No reaction, no contact, If you left them, and they win you back. It will be worse as they’ll try to punish you for abandoning them.
They will try being sweet at first, or vulnerable, or add the pity play, and they might act like they are sorry. It’s a lie to hook you in, no reaction, no contact.
If your boundaries are solid and that doesn’t work.
They may tell you that you’re a horrible person.
They may then shift onto how amazing their new partner is, and they don’t need you anyway. Or that they just want the best for you.
Your standing firm and your boundaries are strong. They will go after what matters to you the most and go all out to destroy it, they’ll tell you what a rubbish parent you are, or the no one like you.
They may leave you alone for a while even years, and then they’ll start all over again.
The narcissist knows how to suck people in, so remember they are only in it for themselves. They only come back and try the hoover if they believe they can gain something from you. Not because they love or care for you.
Do not fall for their tricks, keep moving forward, no contact, grey rock, stay strong, enjoy your freedom, narcissists know they can pull ex’s back in, that trauma bond lasts and it completely normal to want to go back, but you need to remember how bad they made you feel. No reaction, no contact, grey rock.
You can, and you will recover from this.
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